Wrong Move?

Last night, I went to my friend's farewell party--- yup, another one's leaving for the United States. I expected it to be a night of drinking, where everyone will be in a festive mood, then slowly turning sentimental as the night progressed, because we'd soon say farewell to a dear friend... I never thought it would leave me in deep thought about the things I've been trying hard not to confront these past few days.

EMPLOYMENT: yup, it has been on my mind before I went to the party, because I had a ton of questions to ask several of the people attending. Those people taking up residency somewhere usually don't have time to attend parties, so that leaves the people who are unemployed, those who haven't taken the boards yet, and those who are "moonlighting".

MOONLIGHTING--- that's the term we call those young physicians who have work other than residency. And for young physicians, moonlighting is where the money is, not residency. They get jobs here and there--- there are actually a lot of options. They can go on duty several days a week at a certain hospital, usually those municipal or provincial hospitals where there are no residents, and they're free to choose a schedule that's convenient to them. Every procedure, even for just inserting an IV line, you get paid. So it's okay when it gets hectic, because the more hectic it is, the more money you'll earn. Some work as general practitioners at company clinics,, pre-employment clinics, etc. You can even work as a research assistant. One friend even said you can actually get into a lot of non med related professions because as soon as they see that medical degree, they'd think you were someone whose really brainy. Lol. Most juggle duty work at more than one hospital, thus translating to more money. As one friend told me--- moonlighting is great. You control the schedule, it can be as benign as you want it to be--- plus, there's lots and lots of money.

Coming from a job where most of my earnings go to my patients and my seniors and not to my personal war chest, can anyone blame me for wanting to earn money? A lot of my questions were answered, and I got really excited. I wanted to apply for work ASAP. Then as the evening progressed, the talks turned to plans for residency. Turns out it's the time of year when hospitals are accepting applicants for residency, and all of them are in the process of applying. Suddenly I felt out of place. The topic was something I could relate to--- a year ago. It seems that a year of moonlighting is enough for them. I can't help but feel that I'm a little bit late in the moonlighting game. I should have done it a year ago, then I probably would've have felt so burned out as I was during residency. Most take a year off after taking the board exams, so why didn't I? Hearing that their hospital of choice was PGH sent even more chills down my spine. Is this another one of the many wrong moves I've made in this life?

One of my friends said: "moonlighting is great--- it really is. It's benign, you can do a lot of other things, plus there's money. When moonlighting, you feel like you can't lose. You can live the life you want. You're in control. But there comes a point when you'll feel the need to grow. When moonlighting, you do have time, you do have money, but you're in a standstill. Sooner or later, you'll feel the need to learn more, and you can only have that when you take up residency."

Great. Just great. My life is full of uncertainties as it is, and I still keep making one wrong decision after another... Maybe I haven't made a wrong move after all, I just feel that way because I feel left out... Have I been hasty in my decision to pack up and leave the residency program that I've worked so hard to get into a year ago? i remember how happy I was when I received the letter that I've been selected for the program. Was it wrong to give it all up after just seven months of torture? An even bigger question remains, as if to punctuate the uncertainty that I'm feeling. Where will I take up residency instead? No other hospital seems attractive. I just can't see myself anywhere else. I feel like someone who has lost his identity.

Why do I waste brain matter trying to find answers to such questions... I can't do anything about it anyway. I've been gone for way too long, I can't go back even if I wanted to.

Tomorrow, I'm making it official. I'm finally submitting the resignation papers that I've already filled out last week.