The Prestige

I've just said something blasphemous. Followed by a word that some would view as cursing. or cussing. or whatever. then my next statement was---

"Christopher Nolan is a god".

Enough said.



That was my initial reaction after watching The Prestige. In the movie, A prestige is the third and final act of a magic trick, the one when you shake your head in disbelief, and applaud accordingly. That was how I felt, I wanted to clap my hands inside the movie theater. It's been so long since i've watched a movie this good. Yeah, I've watched The Departed last week and it's a great movie also, but in my opinion--- it doesn't compare to this. I don't care if that movie had more great reviews.

Come to think of it, that was the same feeling I felt after watching Batman Begins more than a year ago. I've become a fan of Mr. Nolan even before I've seen this movie. The trailer alone got me excited when I first saw it last July. It occured to me that I may be a bit biased--- but a lot of people also thought the movie was great. Plus with my high expectations, I would've been really disappointed if it didn't deliver. And I was far from being disappointed. The acting was superb. I don't know what those negative reviews were about. I don't know what they were looking for. Maybe they just didn't understand the movie. Maybe the non linear flow of the story confused them. They complained about wasting such good lead actors. I thought they were superb. What further depth in characterization did they want? yeah, i guess some scenes need further exploration and development, but then they'd have to increase the screen time, which would sacrifice the effect of such cinematic "sleight of hand". I thought the pacing was perfect, to keep the audiences guessing. Some of those twists and turns may be familiar, but those were clever nevertheless. The supporting cast were great also. Other critics were rapping about how they wasted Scarlett Johansson's talent also. I say they shouldn't expct much, she's in a supporting role after all. And with the role given to her, i would say she also delivered. Even while I'm typing this, I want to watch the movie again!

Christopher Nolan never fails to deliver. Insomnia. then Batman Begins. And now The Prestige. Now if only I could find that elusive copy of Memento, his directorial debut that I still haven't watched, I would be one very happy fanboy. :)

The Dark Knight will surely be phenomenal.

Getting Old

I've slowly begun to realize that I'm getting old. yeah, 26 is still young--- I'm still at the prime of my life. But several years from now, i won't be able to the the things I used to do. Last saturday, I got really drunk... acted like a fool... Did some crazy stuff with a girl I just met... and did something really stupid afterwards... Thing is, I didn't expect to be drunk with just a few bottles of beer. Okay I had 8 bottles, but I used to say "12 bottles is my limit". and I can still drive home, although really slowly, with 12 bottles of beer infused in my system. Early in the evening, With just four bottles, plus a glass each of those nasty conconctions called rum-cola and vodka-ice--- I was really feeling tipsy. Either i'm just not used to drinking anymore (I used to drink at least once a week a few years back, after all), or I'm really getting older. My body is beginning to fail me!

This got me into thinking... I should seize every opportunity, seize every moment while I still can. Due to time constraints, plus with all those requirements that I have to submit prior to employment, my dream solo trip to the Amazon Forest seems bleak. The fact that there's no direct flight from this country to Brazil makes it even harder. I have settle on a vacation in one of the great spots in this country, or maybe in a nearby country. A Palau vacation was teasing me a while back, but the cost of such a vacation made me think twice. It made all of my friends think twice! Any beach would make me happy. The fact that I would most likely have no REAL vacation for the next five years makes a vacation before January really urgent. hehe. As for my Amazon Adventure? Alas, I will have to postpone it until I have finished residency. A reward of some sort, and maybe then I'll use my own savings. A lot of things can happen though.. I might be married with kids five years from now, and it might be impossible to leave... but with the life that a surgery resident leads, I doubt it. lol. what the heck, it can be a honeymoon of sorts. I definitely can't do it 20 years from now, with the possibility of arthritic joints slowly making their presence felt.

But that's all in the future. As for now, I choose to seize the day! I'm going to party tomorrow... Get myself drunk again! after all, I might become intolerant to alcohol the next say... hehe. For now, I choose to live life to the fullest! Such moments may never come again. :)

Con Ass

Con Ass. That's what they are calling it. i couldn't think of an even better term to describe the new constitution that a lot of our politicians--- and not what our people, have been clamoring for. Sure, it really stands for Constitutional Assembly, being the means to carry out the changes in the constitution that they have been fighting for... changes that they claim will be for the good of the entire nation. But it's more fitting when they keep it short, when they stick to the abbreviation. Then we can interpret Con ass as Constitution by Assh*les--- because when we isolate it from all the noise, all the bells and whistles and get down to the gist, to the core of the situation, we can see that that's what it really is. If they succeed, we're going to have a constitution made by assh*les, those self serving politicians who have the nerve to call what they're doing as being good for the country, when in truth all their actions are for the good of themselves only. One of those A-holes was even interviewed yesterday, when the news about how the supreme court rejected their previous proposal to ammend the constitution came out. He said they will continue the fight for it is for the good of the country. and i quote: "this issue should not be decided by what is popular, instead we have to take the side of what is right." er--- is he fuck*ng delusional?! or just plain stupid?! or most likely, as with majority of politicians, simply thick skinned? for one thing, with the majority of politicians pushing for charter change, what they're doing is the popular thing to do--- at least when it comes to politicians. And he says what they're doing is right?! since when did matters of self interest become the right thing to do for politicians? just because it's so commonplace that it has become the standard doesn't make it right. Shouldn't his statements come from those in the other side, those few remaining idealistic, selfless politicians who can see through the motives of majority of their colleagues, and therefore fight against charter change?

These people are giving me a splitting headache. If I was even mildly concerned with my health, it would do me good to avoid watching the news and reading newspapers. What the hell is wrong with all these people?!

CON ASS indeed.

Our Rotten Political System

I used to have a great interest in politics. Back in college when i ran for a position in the student council, all those talk about national issues perked my interest. I became so involved that all the news about politicians, how they're doing everything wrong, gave me such huge headaches. When I entered med school, my interest waned--- probably because of all the studying (yeah right!) that i had to do... but mostly because my new set of peers had little interest in the topic. How could I maintain interest when I had no one to discuss such topics with? That was a blessing in disguise though. With the way politicians have been running the country, my headaches would have probably become worse. Thankfully, I've been almost headache free for 5 years now--- free from headaches you get from politics.

Now that I've been basically a bum, I had time to really read newspapers again--- the way I used to, right down to the editorials. And I had time to watch the news again, and see what's up with the country. Politicians are still the same. Come to think of it, the political situation in this country seems to have gotten worse. Politicians are so full of sh*t. never have I seen such individuals who are driven by selfish motives. It seems that their every action is carried out with such careful planning and with such precision, to reach the ultimate goal of personal gain. i'm aware that not all politicians are like that. Following the rule of probabilities, then there has to be a few decent politicians--- I just can't see any of them. I used to know one decent politician, but he died of an incurable illness a few years back. That's funny. There we had one decent politician, yet the Lord took him away, leaving us with the scums. Maybe politicians are meant to be scums--- try to be the exception, and you're eliminated from the game.

What makes their selfish motives even harder to swallow, is the fact that politicians, by definition, are meant to serve others, and not their own selves! Here they are acting like kings, like they own the streets they walk in, expecting all of us common folk to bow before them, to praise them, to serve them. Ideally, they should be the ones serving us! I remember one time, when I was stuck in a traffic jam, and this politician's vehicle was bullying its way through the traffic, complete with sirens and motorcycle escorts, expecting us common folk to give way to them. A lot of vehicles did give way to them, but not me! So what if he's a politician?! that doesn't make him king! That doesn't mean we should all give way for him! That doesn't give him the right to be ahead of us! I don't care if he was late for a meeting or something, I also had plans that afternoon. He should stay stuck and wait in the traffic like the rest of us. Then one of the motorcycles stopped beside the driver's side of my car, the escort giving me a dagger look. I didn't care, I wasn't going to give up my place, I wasn't going to give way. Maybe if it was an ambulance, or if there was an emergency. I won't give way to a scummy politician. The way he's lording over the roads is proof enough that he's scum. I just gave his escort a dagger look back.

I cannot think of a far greater worse disservice to mankind, than to be something that is the complete opposite of what you should be. I think a lot a new politicians out there are decent... most fresh graduates from universities are idealistic. They want to change the rotten system. They want to make things right. But eventually, the temptation may be too great to resist--- they eventually get swallowed up by the rotten system. They become one of those people they used to despise, they become one of those they wanted to change.

So what's new with the world of politics lately? All the commotion about charter change nauseates me. Especially the scum that we refer to as the speaker of the house. I agree that the constitution should be overhauled--- it's dated, and it has a lot of provisions that seem to be contrasting... probably because it was rushed, in a way. But it shouldn't be changed when selfish motives are the ones that are prioritized. Does he really think that the people in this country cannot see his selfish motives? He knows that he is unpopular with the masses, so he want to change the charter so that he can run for the position of prime minister. It's so evident, that he seems like such a big liar as he denies this. With the way he managed to manipulate the men and women of congress, like blind, stupid, brainless followers--- he will surely win. But he knows that people won't listen to anything he has to offer because they can see through him, so he brings out all these arguments to make charter change pleasing to the eye. He mentions progressive, first world countries who have a parliamentary form of government, and argues that they are progressive because of their form of government. He must really think we are stupid. Is he aware of those many poor nations who have a parliamentary form of government? is he aware of those progressive nations who maintain a presidential form of government? i cannot believe he had the guts to say something like that on the radio and on national TV! Either he's a big moron, or he's an incredibly scheming, devious prick. I believe he's the latter. I know this will sound really mean, but maybe the Lord took his daughter away because no good person deserves to have such scum for a parent.

Somehow, i am thankful that I am not a son of a politician. Others are not as lucky. Who can forget that senator who sounds like a lunatic. She's not only crazy, she's also a liar. She lies for self gain, which is something politicians aim for. One time she said she would jump off a plane,, or have herself shot by a firing squad, if this or that happened. She would've been declared a hero if she fulfilled her promises, the country would've thanked her for ridding itself of a politican like her. But what i cannot stomach was how she swore by her son's grave, her son who had just commited suicide at that time, that she will never run for politics again. And Lo and Behold-- come election time, she was one of the most prominent candidates. What kind of person would stoop down to such a level of lying? What kind of people are we choosing as leaders of our country?

And as for the most prominent liar of all, the exalted president of our nation? I never liked her, even from the very start of her political career. It was evident from the very beginning that she's an opportunist, i wonder how many people fail to see that. She goes with the good, and always leaves the bad, even if she has sucked the bad ones dry once upon a time. The epitome of what you would call user friendly. fair weathered friend. And her showbiz antics are sickening. Everything about her seems to be an act, you'd have to wonder what her real face looks like. And I know for a fact that she's corrupt... all those nasty rumors are true. The whole family is corrupt. And yet our people tolerate such a leader. Maybe we really are stupid. I for one, would want a leader I can be proud of, and not one I am ashamed of. The only instance when I did like her was when she promised not to run for presidency because she was the source of the countries divisiveness--- which was the truth. And I admired her for saying the truth, because it is very rare to hear some form of truth from a politician. But of course, she showed her true form again and turned her back on her promise. She lied. Funny how this country can tolerate such big liars. When the country had its national election a few years back, I know some people who voted for her though they didn't like her. Their defense was they were choosing between two evils. If I had to choose between the two presidential candidates, I would've chosen the one who was inexperienced with no proof of corruption than the one who had a lot of experiences, especially when it comes to corruption. For me, the inexperienced one is the lesser evil. But then, that's just me. I had to point out that there were other options. We didn't have to choose between two evils because there were other presidential candidates. They said they still won't vote for them because they had no chance of winning. Who decides who has a chance of winning anyway? The chance of winning is just a stupid perception given by press releases and promotional blitz. If the number of people who gave such reasoning voted for one of the decent candidates, then that candidate would've had a shot at winning. I know of a few people who genuinely liked her--- something i don't understand. They're intelligent people, yet they are blind to her ways. Maybe intelligence is relative. Just because you're intelligent in some aspects, doesn't make you intelligent in all others. And I wonder how we continue to tolerate such a leader, with all the negative news about her that are being exposed. In the past, we didn't tolerate such leaders, what makes it diferent now? Is it because there's no better option? That's stupid. With the huge population in this country, there are sure to be a lot of people who are better than her. Have we simply become tired? Have we suffered from too much fatigue that we now refuse to fight? If that's the case, then we deserve to have such lousy leaders.

I can never understand what goes on in the minds of voters. Sometimes, our votes make sense, and sometimes they don't. What's with the predilection for voting showbiz personalities even if they clearly can't do anything for us in the realm of politics? Are we that blind? can't we distinguish from those who can genuinely serve us from those who are just pretending to serve us? Can't we make intelligent decisions? We vote for those who have fame or fortune. We let the media do the voting for us. We choose those who's names are more familiar, we choose those who are featured more prominently on newspapers, on TV... can't we make intelligent decisions on our own? Even in my home town, politicians smell like rotten fish. The microsystem indeed mimics the macrosystem. We've had the same mayor for years. He never does anything productive, and evidently he's corrupt---yet the people keep on voting for him, despite the better alternatives who are pitted against him! Even in the smallest political units, dynasties are made, continuous support are given to those who do nothing, to those who abuse their power, and such support is extended to their kin. Why is it that most of us patronize familiarity even when it becomes rotten, and we are adamant when it comes to change? Even with signs of wear and tear, we tolerate things that are familiar, and we only throw them away when they are damaged beyond repair. Is it because of sentimentality? When our progress is at stake, we have no room for sentimentality, familiarity, nor convenience. Our inaction is viewed as support. Our silence is misinterpreted as content. From the highest position in the land, to the lowest level in politics, everything is rotten. The whole political system is rotten. Change is needed, and I'm not just talking about charter change here. No good will come out of changing the charter if the individuals running our country aren't changed. On a national level, drastic changes are being forced, and such changes can affect us all. We cannot stay aloof while these so called leaders proceed with their dirty business. If we allow these selfish individuals to do whatever they want for self gain, if we still remained silent in these turbulent times, then I would have lost all hope in this country. I would have given up on our people. A few years ago, I was contemplating going abroad because the country seemed to be going nowhere, and the inaction of its citizens further aggravated the problem. Thankfully, something woke them up, and that restored my faith in this nation. I wonder what it would take to wake us up this time.

There can never be progress unless reforms are made. SOme say the system has become too rotten, that change is impossible. Who's fault is it anyway, that the system has become too rotten? Isn't it ours? because we remained silent even as these individuals vandalize the once sacred institution that is our govenment? Reforms are possible. Drastic reforms may be too much to ask, but we can start with small reforms. Those minor reforms add up to major reforms. Even one idealistic individual can start by making that one small step. Our goals can be met as long as we all make small steps, as long as we follow that one individual clamoring for reforms. After all, we all want reforms, don't we? If I am mistaken, then all is lost. What i fear may be true, there may be no hope for this country. We will all rot with the stupid system.

If we remain indifferent and aloof in a time when action is needed, then maybe we deserve to have such stupid and selfish leaders. They are the personification of the punishment that we rightfully deserve.

It is time for us to wake up.

Those Great Movie Trailers

I've been saving a lot of movie trailers in my hard drive--- just those really good ones. For me, trailers can be a form of art. Heck, a lot of trailers are so good, they're even better than the movies themselves. I guess it's to be expected---trailers are meant to entice viewers to see the movies. That's why i often scratch my head and wonder why some trailers suck. Why shitty trailers exist. I guess the studios have assigned the wrong people to handle promotions.

I can group those great trailers into 3.

A fine example for the first group would be the trailer for american beauty. It was intriguing, with that "look closer" adage. The editing was also perfect. And when I saw the movie--- WOW. It became my favorite movie. The trailer did justice to the movie--- or should I say the movie gave justice to the trailer. Both were really good. My expectations were met, and even exceeded. I can say the same for the trailers for Batman Begins. Remember those early teasers? You wouldn't think those were teasers for a Batman movie. Dark, gothic, and intriguing. Of course, i may be biased because we're talking about Batman here. lol. But the fact that the movie met my expectations is a testament to the movie's quality. Movie adaptations rarely please the fanboys.

Next would be trailers that are too good, that you expect too much, that when you finally watch the movie, your expectations are not met. Take the trailer for x-men: the last stand. That was one kick ass trailer. It seemed to promise something epic, with all the battles and destruction shown--- but that epic event never seemed to materialize. It's a good movie, it's just that the trailer seemed to promise so much more. Maybe because it's too short, or maybe it's really Brett Ratner's fault... based from the trailer, you have to wonder about the things that could've been. I can say the same with the trailer for The Prince of Egypt. All the special effects, plus the music created such an atmosphere! Who cares if it's a cartoon?! it looked like a cartoon adults can appreciate! I actually thought i'd be religious again once I saw the movie! lol. The trailer was awe inspiring. Again, i think the problem was the movie's length. it was over too soon. And some of the songs bordered on the childish and annoying side--- I guess you'd expect that from a cartoon.

The third type of good trailer? The ones that totally mislead you into thinking you're going to watch a quality movie, and by the time you've finished watching, you'd want your money back. I already mentioned The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The beginning in a previous post. But the first trailer that comes to my mind would be the one for Message in A Bottle. i don't know why, but i thought the trailer was good when i first saw it--- good enough to make me want to watch the movie. That's a big deal, because I don't really go for romantic movies. Geez, what an incredibly boring movie. I wanted to leave the theatre 20 minutes into the movie. I seemed to be wasting my time sitting through it. I'd like to think I found it dull because i don't really like romantic movies--- but there are romantic movies that I did like, even though I didn't want to see them at first. I think the only people who can appreciate that movie would be the incredibly sappy ones, or those hopeless romantics... or Kevin Costner fans, if they still exist. It's one of my top 5 worst movies of all time--- together with the perfect storm, the extremely over rated Titanic (yeah! I think it sucks!!!!)... I guess that could make a new post. hehe.

For movies i've yet to see, the trailer that makes me wet my pants is the teaser for Spiderman 3. It has just the right amount of scenes to make a fan shiver with excitement. i really hope the movie gives justice to its trailer.

A Lesson In Procrastination

Crap.

crap crap crap crap crap.

Double crap and triple crap.

CRAP!

I was planning to have my laptop repaired more than a month ago, but I had other matters to attend to. Then pre-residency started, and I had almost no connection with the outside world for a whole month. Whan I turned on my laptop a few days ago, everything seemed fine. I was plannning to back-up the rest of my important data before I had it repaired, but since it seemed fine, i was stupid enough to think that the machine was stable, and I can forego doing all those back-ups for a few more days. That's one devious little machine. Just yesterday, It wouldn't load windows at all. Another blue screen just popped up for a second or two, saying something like system failure and it shut down quickly. I turned it on a few more times, and the same thing happened. My laptop, my little machine that i once saw as a lifetime companion, a loyal buddy--- was acting like such a bitch! i tried doing the windows repair from the CDROM... that didn't work either. I wanted to throw the stupid machine across the room! I Still had a lot of important data stored in its innards! Then i discovered that it still worked--- as long as its in safe mode. I prayed that the CD writing function still worked even while on safe mode... and it did! Now I've been burning data for 5 hours, and thankfully I'm almost finished. Stupid little laptop.... or maybe stupid little windows... the machine seems to be in perfect condition except for the operating system. The Windows OS is famous for its frequent crashes after all. Maybe I should've bought a Mac instead... yeah, less people have macs, and incompatibility issues could arise when sharing files with peers, but at least those things seem to last longer before they start betraying you.

Exorcising My Ex

Exorcise. [verb]

1 to force an evil spirit to leave a person or place by using prayers or magic.
2 to remove the bad effects of a frightening or upsetting event.

If only there were ways to exorcise an ex- girlfriend.



I'm not talking about my latest ex. I already have a rather lengthy post about her--- although I could use some magic to remove her bad effects, too. This time, I'm talking about my ex ex. My ex girlfriend before the last one. That ended years ago, yet I can still feel her ill effects. The fact the she still makes her presence felt makes those ill effects linger even more.

We were members of the same religious organization--- that was how we got to know each other. I expressed my desire to court her, which didn't really last long. After a few days, shw became my girlfriend. Which didn't last long either. On the second month of our relationship, I found out she was two timing me. One of my friends, who was organizing a fashion show in college told me about it. When she was asking several people to recommend several models, a girl from another college told her she should ask my ex's boyfriend. Naturally, my friend thought it was me she was pertaining to, so she said she already asked me and I already said No. But the girl was puzzled, and told my friend that she was not pertaining to me, but to some guy in med school. When I found out about this, I immediately confronted her. In an instant, everything became clear. She was the one who scheduled are dates, so our dates wouldn't be conflicting with her duty schedule at the hospital. I was gullible enough to believe her. Apparently, she was scheduling our dates so as not to create conflict with her dates with the other guy. I went to her dorm, but she was not there. Her dorm mate said she was at a bar, organizing an event for their organization. I tried calling her, but she won't answer. She just sent a text message saying she was busy and that she'll call me later. I kept calling her, and still she won't answer. I sent her a text message saying I know she's two timing me and that it was all over between us. Then she called me. At first she denied it, but when I told her several facts I've learned, it made her impossible to deny, so she eventually admitted it. I asked her what made her do it. Did I do something wrong? Were there things that I should've done, but didn't do? She said no. She said i was almost perfect. Her excuse was lame. She said she was being courted by two heartthrobs [sic], and that made it impossible for her to choose, so she chose both. Simple as that. It was that fuck*n' simple. The other guy also became her boyfriend 4 days after I became her boyfriend. She said sorry, but I didn't want to speak to her ever again. Call it a double standard, but I think it's absolutely unforgivable when it's the girl who does the two timing. I just think girls are naturally monogamous, with all the value they give relationships and less on the physical and sexual stuff... and I think it would take an unnaturally, incredibly lustful woman to yearn for more than one relationship. Every day I kept on receiving multiple text messages, multiple calls, saying she's sorry and that she's realized her mistake and she wants me back. She'll immediately break up with the guy once I take her back. I never thought she was sincere. If she was sincere, wouldn't she break up with the guy first before asking me to take her back. WTF! she's keeping the guy as a security blanket! what was he, some form of insurance, In case we don't get back together? The fact that she seemed to be using another guy made me detest her even more. And the guy seemed to think I was trying to steal his girlfriend, he wasn't aware that the girl fooled us both. I don't know what stories she was telling him. I never replied to her text messages, which made her even more pathetic. She also seemed to tell her friends a different version of what really happened, like she was a victim, or I hurt her, that I broke up with her for no reason. It seemed that those friends also didn't know she was two timing me, based from the hate text messages her friends have been texting me. "how can you do that to her? she loves you so much, you pr*ck, you assh*le!"

Here are some text messages from her that for some reason I've managed not to delete from my phone. I've been receiving text mesages from her everyday with basically the same content.

09-29-03. Hi! Good morning! You just crossed my mind... because I'm missing you. Hope you're doing fine. Sorry but I can't help but think of you, memories of you always cross my mind. i guess you're already asleep now, I just wish you'll have the sweetest dreams tonight.

01-13-04. Hi! how are you? Do you have a gf already? i'm really desperate in winning you back. I told you before I won't be able to get over my feelings for you and I'm telling you now I still can't. Pls text back.

01-09-05. I thought you can go out even if you're on duty. I'm visiting a friend who works at the same hospital you're in. Can't you spare a minute for me? I have no boyfriend now. You know who I really love.

Eventually, she broke up with the guy almost two years ago. That's when she sent the last text message. I didn't believe her then, because several times she has sent me messages saying they broke up already, only for me to find out they're still together. She must think I'm stupid or something. I didn't really care anyway. It has been 5 years! i was way over her! I admit I was tempted to get back together with her less than a year after we broke up. But it has been 5 long years! I've moved on a long, long time ago! i wondered why can't she? Does she really love me that much, with the way she keeps on wanting to get back together after all these years? Maybe it's all just an illusion of love. Or maybe because our relationship was short lived, there were still many things she would've wanted to happen between us? Or maybe she simply feels guilty because of what she did. Her conscience won't stop bothering her, and being persistent is her way of making ammends. It doesn't really matter anyway. Maybe she does still love me (though with the way she's acting, obssession would be a better term). but I don't love her anymore... what she wants can't happen. No relationship can happen if the love is one-sided.

The text messages changed though--- a few months after I told her I had a girlfriend already. Miraculously, it seemed that she only wanted to be friends, it seemed that she has accepted the fact that we can no longer get back together. Looking back, it may have been just one of her tactics. i thought we can finally be plain friends, so I made the mistake of asking a favor from her-- I asked her to buy a book for me, because the seller was in PGH, where she also worked. When i met her to get the book and pay for it, it seemed like we were really just friends, nothing more. She introduced me to her co-nurses as her ex- boyfriend. She still sent text messages after that, though less frequently.

Then i had my internship in PGH. She started acting weird again--- probably fueled by the fact that i told her my ex and I broke up because of the letter she gave me. She kept bringing me food when I'm on duty, whcih is something a girlfriend does. The the text messages became weird again.

06-18-05. hey, tell me. Am I getting annoying again? I really can't stop myself from texting you. I've turned you off so many times in this lifetime, even leveled myself to lowly creatures just so I can express myself to you. I can't imagine you've considered me the most irritating person you've known. But I can't help it. I just waned to be heard! I just want you to recognize my existence!SOrry if I didn't keep my promise to stay away from you and not bother you anymore. i'm not asking for too much, just your patience to tolerate my impulsiveness at times. I'm really sorry. I'll try my best to control myself when it comes to you. THanks for understanding. Goodnight!

er--- I saw hints of psychotic behavior there. But I still continued replying to her text messages, and I greeted her everytime we passed by each other, because she never directly said she wanted to get back together like she did before. Maybe she was just being extra friendly and I was misinterpreting her actions. Maybe I was jumping to conclusions... Then September of last year, she told me she was going to the states because her application for work at a hospital in California was accepted. I though--- finally! if the distance can't make her get over me, I don't know what will!

Apparently, the distance can't cure whatever is ailing her. Even if it was expensive, she still sent a lot of text messages. She still called me long distance, just to say hi, and that she was lonely. Then out of the blue...

03-13-06. By the way, I know this will sound crazy to you, but If i propose to you right now, will you accept it? Please do! You're the man I know I'll marry. Please give it a thought. Yup, I'm crazy, and I'm been this way ever since when it comes to you.

She got one thing right. She is crazy!!! what was she thinking? we don't even know each other well enough, and she's asking me to marry her?! Since then, i ignored her calls, I ignored her text messages and emails. If my ignoring her doesn't wake her up from her delusions, nothing will... and it seemed that nothing will. The calls became more persistent. then she eventually got tired.

When I was having my pre-residency, she sent me a message that she was back in the country for vacation. I ignored her text messages. Apparently, she still had a lot of friends in PGH because she did work there for more than 3 years. Strangers have been hounding me, asking me if I changed my number, that their friend wants to contact me, asking why I'm ignoring her... it's so hard to deal with all those questions form people you don't know! Then on my last week, I did bump into her. Good thing i was busy running errands, that we didn't have a chance to talk. She kept sending text messages, the last one I received on my last night on duty. She was asking to have coffee with me because she's going back to the states on the next day. What exactly did she expect to happen? That I would leave my post just to have coffee with her? She knows I can't leave my post in the hospital while I'm on duty even if I wanted to. And of course, I did not want to. that was the last i heard from her, and I'm sure it won't be the last. I'm beginning to think of her as Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. Just last night, I felt her presence again. One of her friends in PGH was on duty with one of the clerks i've worked with, and apparently that friend of hers has been telling people stuff about me. I haven't had a chance to talk to the clerk, but the one thing I've learned was that this friend of my ex told her that she knows me because I courted her friend, but she turned me down and she never became my girlfriend. geez. who knows what other lies she has been spouting. I can't really blame that friend of hers. My ex has told distorted versions of what really happened to her classmates and friends 5 years ago. SHe must still be telling distorted versions of reality to her friends now. Sometimes i wonder if women are really prone to manipulate reality to suit their needs, if they're prone to making variations of what actually happened just to make themselves look good, or to make them look like victims. Then again, maybe I'm simply a magnet for women who manipulate reality to their own liking... I'm just prone to having relationships with such liars. That's how unlucky I am.

If only there was a prayer or some form of magic to keep her away, and to remove her upsetting effects. If only it was that easy.

Maybe i should face the fact that i'm extremely unlucky when it comes to love... with two consecutive failures, maybe a lucky charm is what I need.

But with my predilection for neurotic and psychotic women --- rather than a lucky charm, exorcism seems to be of a greater necessity.

Change

Funny how a lot of things have changed in just one month.

I first noticed this yesterday, when I was walking around our neighborhood. It seems that i have been transported into another world, in another time. More than two weeks ago, there was a huge storm. I was on duty at the emergency room at that time, so i really didn't witness its intensity, but I knew it caused a lot of damages, based from news reports, and from the number of trauma patients coming in. Most of them seem to have lost their common sense momentarily, thinking it would be safe to go out, even with the strength of the wind blowing outside. I went out for a few seconds before the peak of the storm, and at that time, it was hard enough for me to keep my balance. The electricity was cut off from the hospital for two days, and several areas were flooded with water. Imagine hospital where no x-rays, no laboratory procedures can be done, yet patients kept flooding in. It looked like a disaster area. And when I came home after two days, I was really surprised to see that the ceiling in our house was non existent--- when i looked up, i could see our tin roof. SOme of the furniture were also wet. It must really be one very strong storm because our house became flooded for the first time, and the ceiling in most rooms of our house actually collapsed. For some reason, it's been two weeks and repairs have yet to be started. And when i was walking outside earlier today, it seems like our neighborhood was witness to a war. I never noticed it before because I leave our house before sunrise, and if ever I get to go home, it would be past midnight. A month ago, the whole street was filled with lush greenery. Now it looks so empty. The storm has probably swept the greenery away. A lot of trees have apparently fell down. A lot of houses were in worse states than ours. One significant event can drastically change everything--- just like that.

Even when I was driving yesterday, I felt a bit lost. In a months time, several traffic rules were changed--- and some of those changes really seem stupid. Good thing it was late at night and no cops seemed to be around--- i'd hate to be apprehended again, i'd hate to do all that pleading and begging. It's easy to get used to some changes, but it's hard to get used to changes that doesn't seem to make sense... or changes that were made to something that was better, to something that is of value to you, to something you've been used to, to something very familiar, that it now lies very close to your heart, that it becomes a part of who you are.

Like the changes that are about to happen to me in a few months time. I'll be leaving a part of me behind, I'll be leaving a life behind.

As years pass by, as I grew up, there have been a lot of changes. Before, I can choose to be carefree... these days, that does not seem to be an option, else there would be consequences. Once upon a time I can party all day and all night, now I seem to be slowly getting tired of that lifestyle. I'm growing up. I'm about to finally move completely into my adult phase, leaving my childhood self behind. It's not like I have an option... It's not something I want to do, but something I have to do, so that I won't get left behind. Change is a requirement in this path that I have taken. Before I was a TV addict... I can sit all day just watching TV. I had a lot of favorite shows. These past 2 years, I gave up that luxury, because I did not have time. I hear some friends talking about cool new shows like LOST and PRISON BREAK, shows that I would have loved to watch. Some of my favorite shows like ALIAS have ended, some like 24 are still around, but I have no idea what the storylines are these days. I used to read one novel a month... now I have novels that i bought 2 years ago but I have yet to finish. I can still watch movies occasionally, but that's another luxury that I might have to give up next year. Same with going out with friends, hanging out at bars, drinking the night away,not a care in the world--- at least for one fun-filled night. In the past, there where days when I can just lie down and daydream, days when I can just sit down and write poems and short stories, pick up my pencil, draw some sketches, or paint some portraits. Such simple pleasures have now become luxuries. These days I would rather spend my free time sleeping, a necessity which has also become a luxury. With such simple pleasures that are slowly dissipating, I seem to be moving towards an incredibly mechanical and boring life.

It would be easier if it seems that I'll be leaving something worse for something better, when it would seem that I will be leaving for greener pastures that lie ahead... but with all these doubts and apprehensions, there's a possibility that i'll be exchanging a tumultuous but a good life overall for something that's worse.

Amidst all the confusion and apprehensions, here i go again typing such gibberish.

Duped by A Trailer!

Again, I was duped by a pretty good trailer for a movie.

First of all, I really liked the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre that was released a few years ago. I really really liked it. What the heck, I'd go as far as saying I loved it. I thought it was a cut above the multitude of slasher flicks that were continuously being released. So I was looking forward to the prequel, aptly entitled The Beginning. The trailer was also cool and intriguing, which further fueled my anticipation. Today, being my first day of freedom from the prison that was pre-residency, I just had to watch a movie! It's no big surprise that I picked The Texas Chainsaw Massacre as the movie to watch. I should've watched The Departed instead, which everyone seems to highly recommend. I just didn't find the trailer appealing, so i thought I might find the movie boring. I mean, trailers usually showcase the best parts of a movie to entice moviegoers to see them. I didn't like the trailer for The Departed, so i figured if i didn't like the so called best parts, would i enjoy the full movie? If I'm going to pick which movies to watch based on trailers, maybe I should've watched open season instead. At least I was laughing so hard when I first saw the trailer for that.

Now back to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning. What they probably meant by "the beginning" was--- this would be the beginning of the end for this franchise. The movie really sucks. There's not much fear nor suspense... just mindless blood and gore. And to think I like movies with lots of blood and gore (that's why I picked surgery for residency... joke!). Blood is good, but there has to be a good story behind it, or it should at least be a tool to create suspense. I can't even feel for any of the characters--- you don't really get to know them enough for you to develop sympathy for them. And they're so stupid, you'd think they deserved to die for such stupidity. That back story of two brothers on their way to the Vietnam war showed some promise, but that premise was quickly forgotten. Everything seems predictable too. The way they movie went along, it was almost like a carbon copy of the original movie. Very derivative. All of the villains were also present in this prequel, which would make the viewers conclude that all the protagonists are going to die anyway, so why waste time developing sympathy for them.

After having no contact with the outside world for a month, I thought I'd enjoy any movie, even one that sucked. Boy, how wrong I was. I should've listened to reviews and recommendations instead of basing my decisions on which movies to watch on movie trailers and other visual eye candies.

A Preview

My one month in hell is over. I just finished my pre-residency training, and I got accepted to the 2007 residency training program in surgery--- by default, i guess. There are 15 slots, and only 14 of us were left in the end. I was witnessing natural selection before my very eyes. The rest have already quit early on... sometimes I wonder if what they did was the better option. For one month, I've had a glimpse of the future, and it seems very grim.

I knew it would be really tiring, but I never expected it to be this tiring. And I never expected the schedule to be--- impractical. inefficient. unphysiologic. The schedule was unbelievable, I wonder if it's the same in other government hospitals. First day, we have to report by 4 AM to do our early morning rounds. We have to finish by 630 AM because the first cases for operation are scheduled at that time. 2 hours seem enough, but it's difficult if you have a lot of post-op patients, you have to inspect, clean, and dress all of their wounds. Plus, there's this constant urge to squeeze in a few more minutes of sleep at that time, so you'd want to finish before 6 AM. During work hours, we're either in the operating room, the emergency room, or in the out patient department (clinics), which could finish as late as 8 PM. We do our rounds afterward. Some services finish their team rounds in 3 hours, but for some reason I cannot understand, my team's rounds can last for 7 hours! We usually finish our rounds at 1 AM, so that leaves 3 hours to carry out orders, since we have to start our morning rounds at 4 AM.

Then there's the every 3 days duty schedule, which is apparently only true for interns and clerks. We're practically on duty every single day. Apparently, being on duty is defined as taking all emergency operative cases (like appendectomies) during that day. There are three teams, so three duty days. We just assume different posts everyday. Tehcnically, we can go home on the third day, but since our rounds finish at 1-2 AM, I only go home to eat and take a shower. There's no time to sleep since I have to be back by 4 AM. When I'm in the hospital, I have to squeeze in time to eat in between errands, I can't take a bath so I'm wearing the same clothes for days, I become aware of how much I stink, there are days when I don't even brush my teeth, and for 1 month, I only have a maximum of 2 hours of sleep a day. and that's not straight 2 hours, that accumulative. Every now and then I can sleep for 10-15 minutes at certain times during the day, and when I add those minutes, they amount to at least an hour. In my opinion, I think they should just hire more people instead of dumping such a huge work load on a few people. If I knew my surgeon hasn't been sleeping for weeks, i wouldn't go through my operation. The first year residents look like zombies, dozing off every time they get to stay still. Next year, I'm going to be like them. It gets worse when I'm actually a first year resident. They rarely get to go home. We only got to go home because we were technically not yet employees of the hospital. On paper, first year residents are off on every third day also, but they'd be on call. But with the large amount of work, they're always on call. For one year, there's practically no time to go home. Maybe just to have quick shower--- that's it. It gets easier through the years because the work load is less for seniors, but the fact remains that a senior resident is still always on call. One senior resident who already has his own family told me he hasn't seen his daughter for almost a year. Surgery Residency is a sure fire way to ruin any relationship... which a good thing if you'd want to end relationships. Another drawback for first year residents--- Since they're already employees of the hospital, the senior residents get to treat them shabbily, almost like slaves. I'll also probably run out of money because they use their own money to buy needs for patients. The seniors get mad if an operation cannot push through because of lack of needs. You'd think they'd expect that because most patients have no money at all. They should have a team fund instead of having the first year residents pay for needs. Also, those seniors insist that they are treated to meals every time a first year resident commits even a minor mistake. With all the work load they dump on first year residents, you'd think they'd be more understandable. On the other hand, when the juniors do something good, or perform a procedure successfully, the seniors insist that the poor juniors celebrate by treating their seniors to lunch. WTF?! Either way, you can't win! Sure, the salary is higher than what I would get if I worked in a private hospital, but with all that extra spending, I'd probably get to take more money home if I worked at a private hospital instead. And the work load wouldn't be as tiring.

After a lot of thinking, i guess I can actually live like that. After a month, I got used to not taking a bath, not eating much, and not sleeping at all. I've discovered a person can actually perform his daily functions even without sleep... I don't get sleepy as long as I'm doing something, and they never seem to run out of things for us to do. I just can't tolerate some of the senior residents who were acting like Gods, cursing you and shouting at you even if you're doing nothing wrong. OR they tell you to do things that are impossible to do, then get mad at you. They're obviously using their power to make fun at you. It's even more annoying when you find out they were scum during their first year and the senior residents frequently got mad at them--- they're simply doing to us what was done to them. I can live with expletives, I don't mind if they scold me if I really did something wrong. It's those "power trippers" that really test my patience. I have no problem with authority, as long as those people don't abuse their authority. If ever I'll quit, I'm going to punch those assholes in the face first before I leave the premises.

I've been thinking about which path to take for months. After a month in preresidency, the path seems clearer. Yeah, it's going to be a really bumpy road ahead, but I can take it. I know I can live like that. But questions still cloud my mind.

Is this really how I WANT to spend the next 5 years of my life?