The Prodigal Son

It's been almost a month since I've been back... and I've been anything but happy.The drive that I once had seems to be vanishing. I've become sloppy with my work. Probably because I had the wrong reasons for going back. I felt sorry for my batchmates--- their work load, which is heavy enough as it is, would be even greater when there's one less person in the work force.. another reason--- one consultant actually called me on the phone, persuading me for two hours to re-assess my decision and eventually come back. I found it hard to turn him down. Plus the fact that a lot of my seniors, batchmates, interns have been sending me text messages and trying to call me--- that maybe think that maybe I was really needed. I felt bad because it seeemed that I turned my back on a lot of people who needed me.

Everything was fine at first. Everyone, except for one person, seemed happy that I went back. Especialy my batchmates, although some of their reasons might be selfish--- they might just think of me as someone who'll take some burden away from them, and not as a friend who was sorely missed. Some really missed me though. One friend actually shed tears of joy. A lot were taunting me, the prodigal son has returned, that's what they said, all in good manner. But how can all be well when I kept thinking of how good if felt to have those few days of rest? there was still a lot of things I wanted to do that I could no longer do now that I've returned to the world of slavery. There were times that I didn't sleep for three days. One time I didn't eat for more than 48 hours. Never ending rounds, no time to rest... who would want that life, when I've just been exposed to a better life, when I've been re-exposed to a life without torture?

Almost everyday, i've been tempted to just go away again. The prodigal son wants to run away again, as if returning to such a dysfunctional home seemed like a bad decision.

Almost Burned Out

We've just shifted rotations last sunday. What happened on the succeeding days was one disaster after another. To say that maladaptation was to blame would be putting in lightly. I was completely lost. Sure, things don't need to be done immediately since every case isn't an emergency like it was during my Trauma rotation... but the workload is increased a tenfold. At the end of each duty, I failed to carry out a lot of orders. I didn't have time to do chart rounds. I couldn't even squeeze in an hour's worth of sleep! Referrals kept coming in, and even though they're not emergencies, the sheer volume of referrals kept me awake all night! And i felt so alone and helpless while carrying out orders, because the interns in this rotation are practically non existent. just this morning, I jumbled up the schedule operations, and the seniors were all pissed. I wasn't familiar with the whole process, but I know that's no excuse.

I'm almost burned out. Dead tired. More than ever, I'm wondering if this is all worth it. During our rounds yesterday, I was so sleepy and It was fucking humid inside the hospital, i couldn't pay attention during the endorsements. With the heat,I kept thinking that this time of year, I'm just bumming around in a beach somewhere. During the past years, this time of year meant relaxation, a time to get away from it all. This year, I don't have time to get away from everything, unless I quit. Most of my friends have work schedules that are not so unphysiologic, and talking with them doesn't help matters--- especially if the best advice they could give is for me to quit. They say I look like a mess. When I looked at myself in a mirror a few days ago, I realized that my life is a mess. The last time I went home, I just had time to take a shower before going back to the hospital. Before I left, my grandmother wanted to talk to me. It looked like she wanted to have a serious and lengthy conversation, I just told her I didn't have time. As I turned away, she asked if I'm happy with what I'm doing. Though I said yes, I knew she could see the truth. It wouldn't take a genius to realize I'm not happy with what I'm doing. Any person with functional eyes can see that I'm not happy. If only my service mates wouldn't be affected if I quit, if quitting wouldn't fuck up their schedules and make their lives more miserable, I would've quit weeks ago. I don't know if this is what I really want. I couldn't see myself like this in the future. My future seems to be a big blur, I couldn't see a clear picture. This very minute, only one thing is certain...

I'd rather be lying under the sun,

lying on powdery white sand,

watching clouds move slowly in the clear blue sky

with a mild cool breeze caressing my face,

the waves splashing a mist of cool saltwater on my body---

instead I'm trapped trapped in this oven... this hell hole... this slave house that I refer to as my place of work. What a way to spend my summer.

What a way to spend my life.

A Preview

My one month in hell is over. I just finished my pre-residency training, and I got accepted to the 2007 residency training program in surgery--- by default, i guess. There are 15 slots, and only 14 of us were left in the end. I was witnessing natural selection before my very eyes. The rest have already quit early on... sometimes I wonder if what they did was the better option. For one month, I've had a glimpse of the future, and it seems very grim.

I knew it would be really tiring, but I never expected it to be this tiring. And I never expected the schedule to be--- impractical. inefficient. unphysiologic. The schedule was unbelievable, I wonder if it's the same in other government hospitals. First day, we have to report by 4 AM to do our early morning rounds. We have to finish by 630 AM because the first cases for operation are scheduled at that time. 2 hours seem enough, but it's difficult if you have a lot of post-op patients, you have to inspect, clean, and dress all of their wounds. Plus, there's this constant urge to squeeze in a few more minutes of sleep at that time, so you'd want to finish before 6 AM. During work hours, we're either in the operating room, the emergency room, or in the out patient department (clinics), which could finish as late as 8 PM. We do our rounds afterward. Some services finish their team rounds in 3 hours, but for some reason I cannot understand, my team's rounds can last for 7 hours! We usually finish our rounds at 1 AM, so that leaves 3 hours to carry out orders, since we have to start our morning rounds at 4 AM.

Then there's the every 3 days duty schedule, which is apparently only true for interns and clerks. We're practically on duty every single day. Apparently, being on duty is defined as taking all emergency operative cases (like appendectomies) during that day. There are three teams, so three duty days. We just assume different posts everyday. Tehcnically, we can go home on the third day, but since our rounds finish at 1-2 AM, I only go home to eat and take a shower. There's no time to sleep since I have to be back by 4 AM. When I'm in the hospital, I have to squeeze in time to eat in between errands, I can't take a bath so I'm wearing the same clothes for days, I become aware of how much I stink, there are days when I don't even brush my teeth, and for 1 month, I only have a maximum of 2 hours of sleep a day. and that's not straight 2 hours, that accumulative. Every now and then I can sleep for 10-15 minutes at certain times during the day, and when I add those minutes, they amount to at least an hour. In my opinion, I think they should just hire more people instead of dumping such a huge work load on a few people. If I knew my surgeon hasn't been sleeping for weeks, i wouldn't go through my operation. The first year residents look like zombies, dozing off every time they get to stay still. Next year, I'm going to be like them. It gets worse when I'm actually a first year resident. They rarely get to go home. We only got to go home because we were technically not yet employees of the hospital. On paper, first year residents are off on every third day also, but they'd be on call. But with the large amount of work, they're always on call. For one year, there's practically no time to go home. Maybe just to have quick shower--- that's it. It gets easier through the years because the work load is less for seniors, but the fact remains that a senior resident is still always on call. One senior resident who already has his own family told me he hasn't seen his daughter for almost a year. Surgery Residency is a sure fire way to ruin any relationship... which a good thing if you'd want to end relationships. Another drawback for first year residents--- Since they're already employees of the hospital, the senior residents get to treat them shabbily, almost like slaves. I'll also probably run out of money because they use their own money to buy needs for patients. The seniors get mad if an operation cannot push through because of lack of needs. You'd think they'd expect that because most patients have no money at all. They should have a team fund instead of having the first year residents pay for needs. Also, those seniors insist that they are treated to meals every time a first year resident commits even a minor mistake. With all the work load they dump on first year residents, you'd think they'd be more understandable. On the other hand, when the juniors do something good, or perform a procedure successfully, the seniors insist that the poor juniors celebrate by treating their seniors to lunch. WTF?! Either way, you can't win! Sure, the salary is higher than what I would get if I worked in a private hospital, but with all that extra spending, I'd probably get to take more money home if I worked at a private hospital instead. And the work load wouldn't be as tiring.

After a lot of thinking, i guess I can actually live like that. After a month, I got used to not taking a bath, not eating much, and not sleeping at all. I've discovered a person can actually perform his daily functions even without sleep... I don't get sleepy as long as I'm doing something, and they never seem to run out of things for us to do. I just can't tolerate some of the senior residents who were acting like Gods, cursing you and shouting at you even if you're doing nothing wrong. OR they tell you to do things that are impossible to do, then get mad at you. They're obviously using their power to make fun at you. It's even more annoying when you find out they were scum during their first year and the senior residents frequently got mad at them--- they're simply doing to us what was done to them. I can live with expletives, I don't mind if they scold me if I really did something wrong. It's those "power trippers" that really test my patience. I have no problem with authority, as long as those people don't abuse their authority. If ever I'll quit, I'm going to punch those assholes in the face first before I leave the premises.

I've been thinking about which path to take for months. After a month in preresidency, the path seems clearer. Yeah, it's going to be a really bumpy road ahead, but I can take it. I know I can live like that. But questions still cloud my mind.

Is this really how I WANT to spend the next 5 years of my life?