Potpourri

I CRIED

I could’ve cried when i felt hurt and disregarded
I could’ve cried each time we did not get along.
But i did not, even though i was deeply wounded,
Even when the wall between us seemed so thick and strong.

I could’ve cried when you decided, we should not be together
I could’ve cried when you said it was all over.
I could’ve cried because, you failed to see
That my love for you would last for eternity.

I could’ve cried when I heard that you left me for him
I could’ve cried each time that i hear you cry.
I could’ve cried when you felt hurt because he has hurt you
But i can’t, no matter how hard I would try.

I could’ve cried for you took away the one thing I treasure,
I could’ve cried for you ignored my love, so pure.
But you did not deserve my compassion nor my tears
For you ignored everything I had to endure.

I could’ve cried when I chose to ignore you
Because that was so hard for me to do.
I could’ve cried when you said there was no one else you can turn to
But how can I trust you when you have never been true?

All the sorrow I kept inside, poured out one day
I was stunned and stupefied, I had no words to say.
No amount of tears can bring you back to my side,
Yet i cried so hard on the day that you died.

10/27/99

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DYING

“The longest wait is the one for death”
-- hold on to dear life, until the last breath

I convince myself that I am so strong.
---To my own self, I am lying
I try to conceal the sordid truth,
That slowly, but surely, i am dying.

As i lie in bed, alone at night,
I wonder if tomorrow, i can no longer fight
When my knees would bend, all functions would cease
When my body can no longer fight the disease.

I yearn for the days when she kept me warm
When i felt safe, tucked in her arms
I yearn for each caress, given by Mother
I yearn for those memories, buried forever.

It’s so hard to believe that all would soon end
The life i have cherished, every soul, every friend
It’s hard not to breakdown, it’s so hard not to cry
Soon I would be gone, this world will past me by.

My longest wait is the one for my death
I’ll cling on to dear life, until my last breath...

12/27/99

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PRETENSIONS

One has to be wary of your every action.
But I had no choice, for I needed affection.
Your intentions have shown, yet you’re quick to defend.
It’s amazing you still have the nerve to pretend.

Your eyes seem like windows to a soul so pure,
Not a hint of the weariness you have to endure.
Each day, I see a smile on your beautiful face,
Not a hint of betrayal, not a hint of disgrace.

As we lie in the dark I can hear you whisper
Another man’s name while you’re deep in your slumber.
But when you’re awake, it’s another story.
You act as if your world revolves around me.

I seem like a fool, unaware of your game
Of lust and betrayal, of sin and of shame.
I turn a blind eye while you long for another.
We can’t stop now, we still have use for each other.

Several days from now, maybe even tomorrow,
You could leave me here, in the company of sorrow.
When you’ve sucked me dry, your charades would end.
Then you’ll no longer feel the need to pretend.

03/25/2001

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I LOST YOU

I lost you.

From the moment when you first laid eyes on him,
He was longing, inviting, he was wanting.
You looked back at me with contempt and regret
Like a captive with thoughts of escaping.

You had no urge to fight, you were quick to surrender
I tried to hold on, but you pushed me farther.
You let go so easily when you found someone better.
I held on though it’s clear, what we once had is over.

I held onto you.

The putrid scent of betrayal , the bitter taste of defeat
I was seriously injured in your game of deceit.
I truly loved you with all of my heart,
Though all that’s behind you, you keep tearing me apart.

Your memory continues to haunt me.
When I close my eyes it’s still you I see.
You’ve sinned against hope, this can’t be forgotten.
You’ve sinned against love, this can’t be forgiven.

I followed you slowly, questions clouding my mind.
It was quite easy, you never looked behind.
I caught you by surprise, I had to make things right
I crushed your empty heart with all of my might.

And I held you.

As I watched your life slowly drift away,
I cried, for there was no other way.
You’ve done me wrong, you had to pay
In the end no words were left to say.

then I lost you.

06/08/2001

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WISHFUL THINKING

Tears fall as I feel your hand slipping away
I cry out as I struggle to hold onto you.
I felt cold as I held onto nothing
As I let go of what was once my everything.

As I watch you fade through the distance
I continue pleading, though you can no longer hear.
I feel numb as the wind caresses my body
I keep whispering to myself, how I need you here.

My world would crumble without you---
A vision so harsh and yet painfully true.
I should learn to move forward, see what lies ahead,
But I keep looking back at what we once had instead.

Though it may be time for me to move on,
I can’t just leave it all behind.
For I feel in my heart, somewhere, somehow,
You still might change your mind.

01/15/2002

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IMPERFECTIONS WELCOME

Stillness...

As I wake at the dawn of each morning
Struggling to keep my own sanity.
I wear my mask, with no clear purpose
Amidst this sea of anonymity.

Delusions...

Superficial illusion of a perfect life
Pretending there’s compassion, but in truth there is strife
A scar left uncovered means a life of shame.
Wounds shown to others, abruptly ends this tedious game.

Confusion...

I drag my feet over and over.
Can’t keep up with the cycle, I chose to surrender.
Pretensions grew tiresome, sick of this routine.
My mask fell to the ground, revealing what was unseen.

Silence...

They have no choice but to watch me suffer,
They have no choice but to watch me die.
It’s a grim and bitter reminder
Imperfections aren’t welcome in this life.

01/15/2002