In Stagnation

I just can’t help but feel so useless.

With the situation in our house these days, with both of my grandparents seem like time bombs ticking, I’m the only one staying at our house most of the time. I guess being the only one unemployed, the position was handed to me by default. Someone needs to stay at the house in case either one of them needed to be rushed to the hospital, and with their condition these days, I guess that could mean any minute now. Sure I can still go to the gym--- I’m only gone for two hours anyway… and during rush hour I have to pick up both of my sisters from work since our family driver resigned about a month ago, and no one else could pick them up… but nights out seem to be out of the question. Or any leisurely activity for that matter... because that would make me irresponsible and selfish. My social life has been greatly affected, but it’s not really a big deal--- at least not for now. My main reason for going out is to quench my thirst for alcohol anyway. And my grandpa has a lot of stock inside the house. He wouldn’t be drinking them anymore. No one else would but me.

What makes me feel so shitty is the fact that I do not have work. Just sitting inside the house the whole day waiting for the inevitable to happen is driving me crazy. Work gives me a sense of purpose, no matter how tiring it is. Yeah, it has been a long time since I was undergoing residency training, but even after that--- except for the two months or so when I was feeling like a lost puppy, I always had work. Even when I had to give up some of my work so that I could focus on my studies, I still went to work at least twice a week. Sure I haven’t really been doing any work for more than three months now, but when I was halfway around the world I never really noticed it. And now that I’m back here, reality has set in. I have graduated from med school 5 years ago, and still I’m going nowhere as far as my medical career is concerned. Sure, I have already focused on my goal, I already know what I want… but that’s still more than a year from now. I wish life had a fast forward button so i can skip through this lull in my life. I have to be preoccupied with something to get my mind off things. I need to do some work, I just need to do anything, and I doubt if my dad would allow me. He's gonna say I don't need the money. He's going to say I am more needed at home. He's going to say that i need to set my priorities straight. As always, he would use family as a tool for bargaining, just as he has always used family to keep me from doing what I want. As always, he would resort to emotional blackmail, making me feel guilty, making me feel like a person with no conscience at all. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t want to be away from my grandparents when the inevitable happens, and I would want to stay with them and make them happy for the remaining days of their lives. And I want to be here for them especially in their time of need… if only there was a way to do that without drowning myself in self pity. Being here for them makes me feel good because it feels so right… but how can it be so right when at the same time, I am drenched in misery.