Remnants

I just had to make a quick stop. I just had to drop something off. I figured I wouldn’t even stay for 10 minutes, so it wouldn’t do any harm. After all, even with all the things that happened to me a few years ago--- they weren’t all bad. In fact, I did have some good times. Although a lot of the things that happened were things that I’d rather forget, some of the memories that I have of the place are memories that I will treasure forever. Even though the place represents all that is wrong with this country’s healthcare system, I do not hate the place. I do not love it either--- far from it. But I guess you could say that the hospital where I used to work has earned a special place in my heart... no matter how hard I try to deny it.

So I passed by before going home, because my friend just HAD to get her stuff that I had with me. There was this sense of urgency that I could not understand, but still I obliged. I called her up when I got there, a quarter past three in the morning, but she said it would take her a few more minutes before she can meet me outside. Great. Despite the sense of urgency that she had earlier, she couldn’t come out quickly. I did not want to pay the parking fee, so I just drove around. As I looked around the place, the things I saw broke my heart.

Nothing has changed. Everything remained the same. There was a time when nothing could affect me anymore. Seeing the same things everyday tends to numb one’s heart, and I reached the point when I did not care anymore. Patients were ignored. Some patients were already sleeping on the sidewalks. Some were sent away. Some were being shouted at. Some were treated like dirt. There’s just too many of them, waiting for their turn to be seen, waiting patiently because they have no other choice. They couldn’t afford to go anywhere else. They have no other place to go. I guess being away from this place for so long has weakened my convictions, and has softened my emotions once again. A few weeks ago, I thought that I have already reached a decision, and I thought that decision was already final. I thought that I finally knew what I wanted, and that nothing can stop me from doing what I want… but the sight of all those people who need help has made me question myself once again. Those people were the reason why I didn’t want to leave before. A few years ago, upon my graduation from med school, I wanted nothing more that being able to help those people who need my help. I wanted nothing more than to serve the less fortunate. That’s why I decided to work there in the first place. I didn’t care about money, I didn’t care about whatever training I would receive. I simply wanted to help. But the series of events that transpired after that has made me numb to all of their needs, and made me deaf to all of their cries. There comes a time when a sensible man has to choose, and when I came to my senses, I simply made a choice. Not being entirely selfless doesn’t make one selfish. I also have to think of myself. But it looks like a part of my past convictions have remained. A lot of my past self may have already dissipated, but it seems that a significant part of it has remained. It may be small, but it’s significant enough to be bothering my conscience this way.

Crap. If only I was the type of person who can readily turn a deaf ear, who can easily turn a blind eye, then it wouldn’t be so difficult for me. I keep on telling myself to stop being so emotional, but somehow, I always tend to forget. I should learn to stop doing things out of pity, and start doing the things that make me happy. Only then would I be free from all this misery.