Pervasive Animosity

Whereas before i still had some doubts... whereas before there was this pervasive sense of uncertainty that kept on lingering... Now I am sure. I don't want to stay in this place. I absolutely hate everything about it.

From the very moment the plane landed, I immediately reverted back to my old self. My old self made up of negative emotions. I was anxious. Sad. Angry. Miserable. Full of angst. When I was away from this place i was full of energy. As soon as I got back all that energy dissipated. This place brings out the worst in me. If that's not a sign that i do not belong here, then I don't know what is.

I easily get pissed, even with the littlest things--- those things that are of little significance. I hate the stupid weather. I hate our unreliable Internet connection at home. I hate how certain stuff that I want aren't available here. I hate the smell of the water coming out of the faucet. I hate our eternally busted toilet and how no one can ever get it fixed. I hate how every hour seems like rush hour because of the traffic. I hate all those stupid traffic rules, they make no sense at all. I hate how people can't obey simple rules. I hate how a lot of people still cling to superstitious beliefs. I hate the stuff i eat at home. I hate the sloppy service in restaurants. I hate how every local show seems to be exploitative. I hate watching the news because all I see are people who have this penchant for hurting one another. I hate reading the newspaper because it only brings more bad news. I hate the crowd. I hate the fact that almost everywhere i go, it's too crowded. I hate how everyone seems to lack discipline. I hate how most people seem to lack manners. I hate how people bring each other down. i hate the dirty surroundings. I hate how cops use their authority to milk you for money. I hate the government and how crippled it seems. I hate how celebrities and politicians seem to have a penchant for grandstanding. I hate how the catholic church has such a great influence on everyone in this country. I hate the fact that the church can dictate upon people's lives, and I hate the fact that everyone just lets them. i hate how church leaders speak as if they are more powerful than the government. I hate all those politicians who keep on insulting our intelligence with their empty promises. I hate the masses for being gullible enough to believe those promises, and I hate the educated individuals even more for being as gullible as the masses. I hate how the whole country could serve as a model for inefficiency. I hate the fact that it's so hard to earn a living here. I hate the glaring divide between the rich and the poor, and I hate the lack of support from the government. I hate how everyone think it's okay because that's just how the way things are. I hate how everyone seems to have an ulterior motive. I hate going out because everywhere i look, there is no order, all i see is chaos. And i hate the fact that I keep on nitpicking just because I am so sick and tired of this place.

And let's not forget how much I hate my dad. I am so pissed right now, I think i could burst. It's really amazing how he never fails to piss me off. I hate the fact that we could never get along, but that's just the way it is. It's already too late to make amends when the animosity is this deep. He shouted at me, awaking me from sleep, saying i don't care for my family because i can't accompany my grandfather to the doctor's clinic. He said I should be ashamed of myself plus a whole lot of other stuff. I don't need to be ashamed because I am already ashamed. I'm almost 30 years old and my life still accounts for nothing--- I'm a ashamed of the fact that i could be like him... a guy who's almost fifty and he can barely support his family's needs. A guy who's almost 50 and yet he still relies on his parents for most of his financial needs. A guy who's life accounts for almost nothing, yet he's so full of himself that he can't seem to realize that. He thinks he's such a big deal when in truth he's made up of nothing but hot air.

I do not care about my family, that's what he said. Never mind the fact that I only had two hours of sleep, never mind the fact the I had a killer hangover. That's not an excuse. Sure that wasn't responsible of me, but I had to drink to numb all the pain that this place is giving me. Never mind the fact that there were already three of them with my grandfather. I still needed to go for whatever reason, I do not know. Apparently, being the designated family driver ever since I got home accounts for nothing. The number of times i accompanied both of my grandparent's during their weekly check-up accounts for nothing. Being the only person they could call immediately whenever they needed someone accounts for nothing. I'm the grandchild who spends most of his time with his grandparents, and unlike my siblings, I cancel my plans when they say so, and that accounts for nothing. He doesn't scold them for not giving a shit about our family, because apparently to him, I'm the only one who doesn't care. My grandparents are part of my dreams, and they are one of the reasons why I want to be successful in life so that i could pay them back somehow for everything that they have done, and that also accounts for nothing.

I've put my entire life on hold for them, and that still accounts for nothing.

I still do not care about my family. I still do not know how to set my priorities. I'm still nothing but a source of continuous disappointment.

But you don't have to worry, dear old dad. When I finally get a job elsewhere, I am never ever coming back. When I say goodbye, we might as well take a picture for posterity's sake, because that would definitely be the last. When i leave home on that fateful day, i swear you'll never ever see my face again for the rest of your god damned life.

When I finally leave home i can breathe a sigh of relief. I can finally move forward, and I will never ever look back.