In Stagnation

I just can’t help but feel so useless.

With the situation in our house these days, with both of my grandparents seem like time bombs ticking, I’m the only one staying at our house most of the time. I guess being the only one unemployed, the position was handed to me by default. Someone needs to stay at the house in case either one of them needed to be rushed to the hospital, and with their condition these days, I guess that could mean any minute now. Sure I can still go to the gym--- I’m only gone for two hours anyway… and during rush hour I have to pick up both of my sisters from work since our family driver resigned about a month ago, and no one else could pick them up… but nights out seem to be out of the question. Or any leisurely activity for that matter... because that would make me irresponsible and selfish. My social life has been greatly affected, but it’s not really a big deal--- at least not for now. My main reason for going out is to quench my thirst for alcohol anyway. And my grandpa has a lot of stock inside the house. He wouldn’t be drinking them anymore. No one else would but me.

What makes me feel so shitty is the fact that I do not have work. Just sitting inside the house the whole day waiting for the inevitable to happen is driving me crazy. Work gives me a sense of purpose, no matter how tiring it is. Yeah, it has been a long time since I was undergoing residency training, but even after that--- except for the two months or so when I was feeling like a lost puppy, I always had work. Even when I had to give up some of my work so that I could focus on my studies, I still went to work at least twice a week. Sure I haven’t really been doing any work for more than three months now, but when I was halfway around the world I never really noticed it. And now that I’m back here, reality has set in. I have graduated from med school 5 years ago, and still I’m going nowhere as far as my medical career is concerned. Sure, I have already focused on my goal, I already know what I want… but that’s still more than a year from now. I wish life had a fast forward button so i can skip through this lull in my life. I have to be preoccupied with something to get my mind off things. I need to do some work, I just need to do anything, and I doubt if my dad would allow me. He's gonna say I don't need the money. He's going to say I am more needed at home. He's going to say that i need to set my priorities straight. As always, he would use family as a tool for bargaining, just as he has always used family to keep me from doing what I want. As always, he would resort to emotional blackmail, making me feel guilty, making me feel like a person with no conscience at all. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t want to be away from my grandparents when the inevitable happens, and I would want to stay with them and make them happy for the remaining days of their lives. And I want to be here for them especially in their time of need… if only there was a way to do that without drowning myself in self pity. Being here for them makes me feel good because it feels so right… but how can it be so right when at the same time, I am drenched in misery.

The Sordid Face of Reality

Well, that really came out of left field.

All my life, i really thought that my grandfather would reach the age of 100. How can i think otherwise, when he was always more active than people his age. He played sports, he exercises regularly... heck, he even actively participated in the sex trade until the past year or so. And compared to my grandmother who has a lot of illnesses, he remained relatively healthy. Until late last year, when he started to complain that he was feeling weak. He doesn't like going to doctors. Whenever he gets sick, he just lets the disease run its course--- sometimes with the help of herbal stuff, and rarely does he take legit medications. His archaic beliefs have been a source of our numerous clashes while i was growing up, especially when he enforces those beliefs upon me. He says that vitamins are bad for one's health. He says that food in restaurants are dirty. We should never take a bath a night, we should never clean the house at night, we should never spend money on Mondays, we should always go to church before 12 noon---- doing otherwise would bring us ill fortune. Of course, being the hard headed grandson that I was, i frequently disobeyed. I knew those beliefs had no basis and they were senseless, and often i found the guts to tell him that--- and that wasn't easy, because in our house, he was the authority. I lived with my grandparents all my life. Besides my grandmother and my brother, he was the only other person that i see everyday. In the game of good cop- bad cop, he was the bad cop while my grandmother was the bad cop. When we were kids, we were so afraid of his thick belt and that thick wooden stick of his. One wrong move and he would lash us with either one, whichever he could grab first. I remember the day when I was already in my early teens and I was already strong enough to fight back. Instead of just crying while he hit us, I grabbed that wooden stick and broke it in two. He then told me to get out of his house and to never return. My grandmother was crying her heart out as my mom took me away. I spent a week at my parents house. I came back because of my grandmother. I swallowed my pride and did what it took for my grandfather to forgive me--- I knelt before him and said i was sorry. I was wrong and I would never do that again. He slapped me afterwards, and I tried so hard not to fight back.

The rest of my teenage years were tumultuous. I was never the type who would bow down in submission, especially if I do not see the point. I never agreed with his ancient beliefs--- like whenever a boy and a girl were left alone in a room, they would surely have sex. That's why we were never left alone in a room with our sisters. I told him how perverse his way of thinking was, and of course he wanted me out of his house again. When I threw a party at my house and my friends and i slept in a single room, he scolded me for organizing an orgy. But no matter how much i would try to reason out, it was no use. He was the authority. He was the law. He was right, and everyone else was wrong. That's just the way he is and we had to deal with it. Even my father was afraid of him. I even hated the fact that he was so religious, yet he does things that no religious man would ever do. Gambling, watching porno, cavorting with prostitutes, saying curses and shouting expletives after every sentence... Every time he scolds me he would quote the Bible, and I just couldn't help but answer back. I was the rebel, i was the only one who had the guts to answer back... I saw myself as the defender of my siblings and I had to fight the villain for all of us. But as i grew up, eventually i learned how to shut up. I learned the art of silence. I learned how to ignore everything that he said no matter how hurtful and no matter how senseless they are. By the time I reached my mid-twenties, he seem to have mellowed a bit. i guess he finally saw me as an adult, and dealing with me in an authoritarian manner like he used to would be a little inappropriate.

In recent years, we manage to have small talks, mainly about his health. He always remained healthy, so there was nothing much to talk about. So we talked more about the future, and how he was going to leave everything that he had to me and my brother. I don't know how he sees me now, but all the animosity that we had all those years seemed to have dissipated. I feel no hatred towards him, but I'm not sure if I feel some love. We get along now, but somehow, I can't help but feel a little detached. Maybe because he was the bad cop as I was growing up. That drove a wedge between us. He wasn't the person i ran to when I was growing up. He was the person that I avoided, he was the person that i was afraid of. The last time that we talked was the day before I left for the USA. He told me that it would be better for me to stay here and serve my own countrymen. Then I told him how much it sucks to be a doctor here... that I have no future here. The talk I had earlier with my grandmother was difficult, but my talk with him seemed to be just as difficult. Because as I was explaining everything to him, that was the first time that I saw him teary eyed. He was actually on the verge of tears, and he was trying so hard to keep those tears from falling. He said something like he doesn't want to die without his entire family by his side. Of course i brushed it off. I told him that he was the prime example of health. He still had many years ahead of him. To think otherwise would be preposterous.

When I got back home last week, he seemed like a different person. He was so weak, he couldn't even walk alone. He even found it hard to eat by himself. For the first time, he was weaker than my grandmother, it all seemed surreal. I couldn't really tell what was wrong with him. I recognized that his heartbeat was irregular since last year, i thought he could have a cardiac pathology. After a series of discussions, I finally convinced him to go see a specialist. We practically had to force him to go. He didn't like the trip to the hospital, and he didn't like the fact that he had to wait for 30 minutes before being seen, but we managed to keep him inside the doctor's waiting area despite his numerous pronouncements that he wanted to go home. He was seen by the doctor, initial meds were given, a follow up check up was scheduled, and x-rays and blood works were done... the results of which we found out today.

He has stage 4 cancer. He never consulted a doctor for the past decade or so... whether or not we could have detected the disease in its early stages, we'll never know. The source of the cancer wasn't clear, but it seems that it originated from one of his kidneys. There were numerous metastases to lungs, to the liver, to his entire abdominal cavity. There were even metastases to his muscles and bones. No wonder he was felt so weak. Even chemotherapy would be useless at this stage. No wonder the changes were so abrupt. It's just weird that he doesn't feel any pain. There are no other symptoms, just weakness. Once again, it just seems so surreal. At first I was shocked, and until now I am in a state of disbelief.

Still, I do not feel any sorrow, at least for now. I still feel detached. I don't know what exactly it is I'm feeling. Probably because we did not have a strong bond as I was growing up... probably because I still can't believe that he's really dying. His cancer is terminal, and he only has a few more months, or maybe just a few more weeks to live. And now he refuses to go to the doctor, he just wants to stay in his room, saying he has given up, he does not want to receive any more treatment, he does not want to take any more medications. I would like to think that he has lived long enough. He has done so many things in his life and i think he would leave this world with a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment... but seeing him like this, it just doesn't seem right. It's like seeing Superman in the twilight of his life, broken, worn out, and beaten. The cosmos must be playing some sort of practical joke because the man I'm seeing now isn't the grandfather that i have known all my life. There's just no way that all this could be real.

It just can't be.

Pervasive Animosity

Whereas before i still had some doubts... whereas before there was this pervasive sense of uncertainty that kept on lingering... Now I am sure. I don't want to stay in this place. I absolutely hate everything about it.

From the very moment the plane landed, I immediately reverted back to my old self. My old self made up of negative emotions. I was anxious. Sad. Angry. Miserable. Full of angst. When I was away from this place i was full of energy. As soon as I got back all that energy dissipated. This place brings out the worst in me. If that's not a sign that i do not belong here, then I don't know what is.

I easily get pissed, even with the littlest things--- those things that are of little significance. I hate the stupid weather. I hate our unreliable Internet connection at home. I hate how certain stuff that I want aren't available here. I hate the smell of the water coming out of the faucet. I hate our eternally busted toilet and how no one can ever get it fixed. I hate how every hour seems like rush hour because of the traffic. I hate all those stupid traffic rules, they make no sense at all. I hate how people can't obey simple rules. I hate how a lot of people still cling to superstitious beliefs. I hate the stuff i eat at home. I hate the sloppy service in restaurants. I hate how every local show seems to be exploitative. I hate watching the news because all I see are people who have this penchant for hurting one another. I hate reading the newspaper because it only brings more bad news. I hate the crowd. I hate the fact that almost everywhere i go, it's too crowded. I hate how everyone seems to lack discipline. I hate how most people seem to lack manners. I hate how people bring each other down. i hate the dirty surroundings. I hate how cops use their authority to milk you for money. I hate the government and how crippled it seems. I hate how celebrities and politicians seem to have a penchant for grandstanding. I hate how the catholic church has such a great influence on everyone in this country. I hate the fact that the church can dictate upon people's lives, and I hate the fact that everyone just lets them. i hate how church leaders speak as if they are more powerful than the government. I hate all those politicians who keep on insulting our intelligence with their empty promises. I hate the masses for being gullible enough to believe those promises, and I hate the educated individuals even more for being as gullible as the masses. I hate how the whole country could serve as a model for inefficiency. I hate the fact that it's so hard to earn a living here. I hate the glaring divide between the rich and the poor, and I hate the lack of support from the government. I hate how everyone think it's okay because that's just how the way things are. I hate how everyone seems to have an ulterior motive. I hate going out because everywhere i look, there is no order, all i see is chaos. And i hate the fact that I keep on nitpicking just because I am so sick and tired of this place.

And let's not forget how much I hate my dad. I am so pissed right now, I think i could burst. It's really amazing how he never fails to piss me off. I hate the fact that we could never get along, but that's just the way it is. It's already too late to make amends when the animosity is this deep. He shouted at me, awaking me from sleep, saying i don't care for my family because i can't accompany my grandfather to the doctor's clinic. He said I should be ashamed of myself plus a whole lot of other stuff. I don't need to be ashamed because I am already ashamed. I'm almost 30 years old and my life still accounts for nothing--- I'm a ashamed of the fact that i could be like him... a guy who's almost fifty and he can barely support his family's needs. A guy who's almost 50 and yet he still relies on his parents for most of his financial needs. A guy who's life accounts for almost nothing, yet he's so full of himself that he can't seem to realize that. He thinks he's such a big deal when in truth he's made up of nothing but hot air.

I do not care about my family, that's what he said. Never mind the fact that I only had two hours of sleep, never mind the fact the I had a killer hangover. That's not an excuse. Sure that wasn't responsible of me, but I had to drink to numb all the pain that this place is giving me. Never mind the fact that there were already three of them with my grandfather. I still needed to go for whatever reason, I do not know. Apparently, being the designated family driver ever since I got home accounts for nothing. The number of times i accompanied both of my grandparent's during their weekly check-up accounts for nothing. Being the only person they could call immediately whenever they needed someone accounts for nothing. I'm the grandchild who spends most of his time with his grandparents, and unlike my siblings, I cancel my plans when they say so, and that accounts for nothing. He doesn't scold them for not giving a shit about our family, because apparently to him, I'm the only one who doesn't care. My grandparents are part of my dreams, and they are one of the reasons why I want to be successful in life so that i could pay them back somehow for everything that they have done, and that also accounts for nothing.

I've put my entire life on hold for them, and that still accounts for nothing.

I still do not care about my family. I still do not know how to set my priorities. I'm still nothing but a source of continuous disappointment.

But you don't have to worry, dear old dad. When I finally get a job elsewhere, I am never ever coming back. When I say goodbye, we might as well take a picture for posterity's sake, because that would definitely be the last. When i leave home on that fateful day, i swear you'll never ever see my face again for the rest of your god damned life.

When I finally leave home i can breathe a sigh of relief. I can finally move forward, and I will never ever look back.

The Social Experiment

It started out as a prank. We just wanted to prove a point--- that one of our friends just keep on adding friends in Facebook, even people he doesn't know personally, for whatever reason... i dunno... maybe to bloat his friends list, to get to know a lot of people, or maybe to create a false impression of popularity. Or maybe he's just too nice that he can't possibly reject a friend request from another person online. We never meant to do any harm. We just did it for fun.

So that the account wouldn't look suspicious, I had to add random people. I figured that at least 10 people would add strangers to their accounts. That would be enough for the account that we have created to look legitimate. The exact number? I figured that I had to add more than a hundred. The more people I send requests to, the more chances to gain "friends". I sent 120 invites to be exact. 60 men, and 60 women. After a few days, as more and more people accepted our requests, it turned out to be an amusing social experiment. Sure, we only had a small sample size, so the results may not be similar when done on a larger scale, but still--- our findings do provide a glimpse onto the human psyche. So what were the results?

Surprisingly, more than half accepted our friend request. What could that mean? It could mean that a lot of people like having lots of people in their friends lists. Maybe they just love meeting different people. Maybe they love the false sense of popularity that they get from a bloated friends list. or maybe there's just a lot of lonely people in the world.

More men accepted our friend requests. I guess women tend to be more suspicious when it comes to strangers adding them. That makes sense. After all, women are more prone to be the targets of sexual predators than men.

Personally, i was surprised when i added some people i knew personally, and they accepted our friend requests. Let's just say that i never would have though that these friends of mine would accept a friend request from a total stranger. LOL.

But what surprised me the most was the fact that none of these people were using the extensive privacy settings that were available on Facebook. It's one thing to accept a friend request, but to reveal a lot of your personal information to a complete stranger? It's good for them that i do not mean any harm. But what if my goal was to commit online fraud? or what if I was a sexual predator looking for possible victims? There sure are a lot of gullible people out there, and I just can't fathom how people can trust complete strangers with their personal information. Christ, i have access to all their pictures. I can see their email addresses, complete mailing addresses, and telephone numbers. Crimes committed online and sexual predators using social networking sites are all over the news, I was really surprised at how people can be so trusting.

On a lighter note... I guess if your goal is to make new friends, pick a cool looking profile picture. Even something as simple as a silhouette of a person doing an extreme sport like skydiving, snow boarding, or surfing can make you go far--- that can make your profile look cool and attractive, and more people are bound to accept. LOL.

Now what about our original goal? In that regard, our social experiment was a failure. Our friend just kept ignoring our friend request. Either he suspects something fishy, or he has already changed his old ways.

If that's the case, well then... that's good for him. :)

A Calm Surrender

I seem to have neglected this blog... and that's not necessarily a bad thing. This is primarily my "piss" blog--- my outlet when I feel the need to release my bottled up emotions. i post entries when i'm upset, when I'm sad, when I'm angry. Even my seemingly neutral entries like movie reviews aren't really neutral at all. Truth be told, I write stuff whenever i feel stressed, whenever I feel anxious... writing down my thoughts soothes my nerves somewhat. And because I have been unusually happy the past month or so, i seem to have neglected my blogger account. Considering the things I have just said, I guess that's a good thing. The fact that I'm posting an entry again? That's not a very good sign.

Two weeks ago, i found out that I passed the last exam required for US licensure. You might say i felt so elated that I didn't feel the need to write about it. But since I took the exam late in the year, I didn't get the result on time. That meant no interviews for me. i have to try my luck for next year. But that doesn't really matter in the long run. What's one more year compared to the rest of my life? i have already reached a decision. After spending almost three months in the US, I have found the place where I'd want to spend the rest of my life. I wouldn't want to go back home--- ever. Not even for business, not even for vacation. Sure there are family and friends that I would miss, but they can always go visit me. Besides family and friends, there's nothing else that can hold me back. Call me unpatriotic, call me scum, say that I have no sense of national pride and loyalty, but I have grown to hate everything about my land of birth. I hate it here. The very second the plane landed, the happiness that i was feeling for the past few weeks immediately vanished. I immediately felt sad. I have seen how it is on the other side, that i can only look at everything i see here with disdain. I know that's such a harsh thing to say, but i just can't help but compare. From things that are superficial as the weather and the dilapidated airport, to some things that are profound like how the catholic church has a tight grip on everyone, how messy politics are, and how people never learn from the past and how everyone keeps making stupid decisions even the so called intelligent individuals... i just hate everything here. i know these things are rampant elsewhere in the world, even from where i have just been--- but the way people deal with these problems make all the difference. And I just can't help but feel a sense of exasperation and defeat. To hell with patriotism, to hell with giving back to my own country in terms of service, to hell with everything I have stood for. One can only do so much, and there's no way one can make changes when the people are too stubborn to change. You can't help people who do not want to be helped, and it's even harder to try to help people who refuse to believe that they need help. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe all this talk is a little too premature. But for now, I can honestly say, that i have given up. There is nothing for me here.

So to hell with getting into a residency program that i want. To hell with getting a job in a good location. Even if I get into the lowest tiered residency program in Nowheresville, i would still be a lot happier. I just can't be happy here. On most days, I feel angry. There's always something that annoys me. On most days, I'm in a bad mood. I have too much angst and this country unleashes the worst in me. Happiness has been so elusive all my life, and i definitely won't find it here.

i can't wait for this year to be over. I wish there was a fast forward button that I can push...

Because I can hardly wait to get out of here. That's all that I am thinking of.