No Regrets

The last day of each year always puts me in a pensive mood. A time for reflection... about the things I've done, the things I should have done instead... what has been and what could have been... thinking of the future, making plans. Looking back at the same time last year, thinking of my outlook back then, my expectations... the thing's I've done to meet those expectations, and whether or not those expectations have been met. A few hours ago, I've been in touch again with a few friends from where i used to work. What started as new year greetings turned into several exchanges of text messages. I told them I was fine--- not really happy, but i am fine. Some seemed to believe me, some obviously didn't. I guess looking at things through their perspective, it may be a bit difficult to believe that I was feeling okay. Some of them are people that I'm not really close to. They knew the circumstances behind my resignation, and then they witnessed my pathetic attempt to repeat everything. i was in direct contact with them during that month, but afterward, they haven't heard a thing from me. Most of them have this feeling of regret, on how I've wasted an opportunity, how I've wasted the past two years... In a few hours they'll be third year residents, and I would have been a third year resident also if I never left. I would have been a senior resident, instead of languishing indefinitely in the starting position. They may not believe me when I say this, but I really have no regrets. To them the past year may not have been productive for me, but I've managed to do many things this year, ranging from the superficial to those that had a great impact in my life --- things I could not have possibly done if I stayed. Among those things---

I've rediscovered my passion for videogaming! The PSP rocks! It's been years since I've last played a videogame that I have apparently forgotten the simple joys that videogames bring.

New hobbies like surfing! I never would've thought I'd have so much fun being enveloped in failure! LOL.

I've learned how to ACTUALLY look good. I changed my hairstyle, my wardrobe completely overhauled. Just looking at my pictures from three years ago, with all those baggy clothes and military style/ nerdy style hair, I couldn't help but cringe.

TV shows! I haven't watched a TV show for 3 whole years before I resigned! If I didn't leave, I wouldn't have had the opportunity to watch such brilliant TV shows such as Prison Break, Pushing Daisies, Supernatural... and even Heroes, whose first season was absolutely spectacular, it still manages to redeem the horrible second and third seasons.

I managed to have a social life again. I missed the bar scene, I longed for it after all those months of being trapped in one hospital.

I've managed to go to places I've never been before, places I've always wanted to go to, places that I'll never forget for as long as I live.

Having more free time means I'm usually available for different gatherings. I've managed to reconnect with old friends, and make new ones in the process... not just mere acquaintances, but genuine people that I'd probably be friends with for the rest of my life.

I've learned to see the world in a different light. Working at other institutions opened my eyes to the different realities in this world.

I've met really great people. These people taught me new things, they've made me see things through different perspectives. They're the type of people who have managed to touch my life, taught me to be thankful for what I have, inspired me to take action, to reassess my priorities, fight for my principles, and directed me towards the right path that I should take in this life.

I have to admit, a part of me still regrets my haphazard decision on that fateful month in 2007. Heck, if I had not resigned, I would have been a third year surgical resident by now. I wouldn't be a bottom feeder anymore, I'd be someone who actually has balls. The years go by so fast, those two years of being like some sort of slave without a mind of your own would be over in a flash. I imagine what my life would have been like at this point if I held on...but just by looking at that list I made above, a lot of good things still came out of that haphazard decision. Looking at my life from a distance, looking at all the pros and cons, the positives and the negatives, I would still say I've had a good year over all. I've managed to do things I would not have been able to do if I maintained the life of a drone. And because of that, I can honestly say that I have no regrets. I hope that the coming year would be as fruitful, if not more fruitful than the year 2008.

Here's to new beginnings. :)

Gunning For Gluttony

So we were having a family dinner at a restaurant earlier today. We brought our grandmother with us, she's finally strong enough again and able to walk short distances. As usual, a lot of food were ordered, a lot of them high in salt, high in fat, plus a bunch of those that are high in sugar for dessert--- yup, all things that are not supposed to be eaten by my grandmother. She ordered a separate meal for herself, a bland diet that would finally make her doctor proud. I guess the fact that her last stay at the hospital was such a close call finally got to her. Whereas before she would order anything she wanted--- all those that are high in salt, high in fat, high in sugar... even blurting out lines such as, "just kill me if you won't allow me to eat what I want!!!"... this time she was obeying her doctor's orders. I actually found it amusing. I can no longer count the times when I caught her eating something that she wasn't supposed to be eating, only putting on a smile as she held onto the food on her mouth, like a child who was caught doing something he or she was not allowed to. I can no longer count the times I've found a hidden stash of junk food in her room--- under her bed, in her closet, wherever. She was every doctor's nightmare--- the type of patient who is a high risk for everything, and yet refused to comply with the doctor's orders. She was so stubborn, saying she'd rather die than to live like a prisoner, and yet when she experiences her usual bouts of dizziness, chills, and difficulty of breathing, she looks so helpless, begging for immediate rescue from everyone. She says she'd rather die as long as she's able to do what she wants, yet in those moments of weakness, it's so obvious that she desperately wants to cling on to life. At those times, I always have the urge to ignore her for even a few minutes just to teach her a lesson. Nothing seemed to make her realize that she needs to change her lifestyle, not even those repeated confinements at the hospital. But miraculously, this time, it seems that she has finally had an awakening.

Then our food was served. Without warning, my dad put several servings of all that high in salt, high in fat food on my grandmother's plate. I gave him THAT look. He asked me what's the problem. He said it was the holidays so it's okay to veer from one's diet. What a stupid excuse--- the type of excuse you'd expect from hard headed patients and their incredibly stubborn families. Then he said he was only giving her small servings. SMALL SERVINGS?! I wouldn't call that small servings, he gave her more than what my sisters were eating! As for my grandmother? I thought she finally learned her lesson... and yet she ate EVERYTHING.

Geez, the next time she goes into another one of those attacks, don't they dare ask me again what's causing it. She's causing her own problems, and the family is aggravating matters by patronizing her. It's a vicious cycle that would go on and on until the final days of her life.

Bound by Blood

I've never been really close to my brother. I've lived with him all my life, we're the grandchildren who were left in our grandparents' house when our parents decided to move to another home. We shared a room when we were little, and he was my constant playmate during childhood--- still, we never really had a strong bond. For one thing, he was my constant enemy when we were growing up. Almost every day during our play sessions, what started out as fun would turn into arguments, and almost always those arguments would give rise to full blown fist fights. I guess that's a logical consequence when you're fond of playing war games. We fought about a lot of other things, like who gets first dibs at the bathroom, who gets to use the car... a lot stemming out from our differences--- little things that would start out as trivial, suddenly turning into huge quarrels. No matter how much we look alike, especially when he became health conscious during our late teens and lost a lot of weight--- to the point that people thought we were twins, we are very different from each other. We're not just slightly different... some of our differences turn us into complete opposites. For instance, regarding our tastes in music, he likes anything sung by African American artists, be it hip hop or RNB. I prefer alternative rock, and I love heavy metal music--- I love listening to all that noise every time I need to vent off. And I hate hip hop music because to my ears, one hip hop song sounds almost exactly like the others. You can just imagine the arguments that would follow by simply turning the CD player on. Our rooms are next to each other, and when one of us is sleeping or needs to study, the urge to destroy the other person's CD player is very hard to resist. Based on our personal traits, he's the vain one, and I was the one who did not care about looks. He's the more athletic one. He's the more sociable one. If I had to pick up a certain stereotype when we were growing up, In a typical high school setting, he'd be Mr. Popularity and I'd be that EMO- grunge kid who simply didn't give a fuck. Growing up, at least to my parent's eyes, I was the rebel, and he was the obedient son. He was the health conscious one, the religious one, the one who was more buff, the one who shared more interests with my dad--- no wonder he's his favorite son. He's the one with a stable job, the one who gets a huge income, the one who's financially stable. He's the son who didn't give them any problems. He's the son who makes them proud. On the other hand, I was the one who started smoking at an early age and was stupid enough to get caught, I was the one who was on the verge of becoming an alcoholic, I was the one who tried drugs, I was the one who was fond of wrecking cars, I was the one who always answered back, i was the one who tried to fight back, I was the one that my parents found hard to understand. I was the one who always had issues, the son they couldn't pry open because I refused to speak up and always chose to keep things to myself. Presently, I'm the one with no stable job, the one with no stable income, the one with no definite future. I'm the one who still kept giving them problems. When I'm introduced to guests, they say I'm a doctor... and that's that. That's all there is to say, nothing else follows.

All those comparisons made between us definitely weren't helping. For some reason, our parents thought that putting us into some sort of competition would make us grow into better persons. Every time our grades from school would come out, they would compare our grades and say things like "why couldn't you be more like your brother", even though the difference between our grades weren't that much. And since he usually gets better grades, more often I was on the receiving end of such lines. Every time I went home drunk, every time I would do something stupid, every time I did something that they did not approve of, be it regarding my career, my habits, my personal beliefs, the people I choose to be friends with... I still hear that line. My brother was the ideal one, and I was the problem child. All those comparisons made me steadily despise him while we were growing up, and they only served to drive the wedge between us even deeper.

In recent years, we've had less arguments, and I can't seem to recall the last time we had a major fight that resulted to battered bodies and bruised egos. I guess that's just a natural result of becoming adults. We still don't talk much since our interests are still very different. We can't even talk about work since the jargon used in the marketing and medical fields are very very different. But we did have several opportunities to bond. An out of town trip early this year, then going on several surfing trips during the last quarter of the year. And yeah, we've had several drinking sessions during those times, making us seemingly closer to each other from the point of view of another person. But most of the times, we're just civil to each other. We still lived in the same house, yet we hardly talk to each other. But at least we don't fight with each other anymore. Sometimes when I watch Prison Break or Supernatural, I wonder why we couldn't be like those brothers who are incredibly close to each other, to the point that they would do anything for each other. I guess we were simply not meant to be like that.

December 25th of this year. I was time to open our Christmas presents. One of the gifts he gave me was a book entitled Strength Finder 2.0 by Tom Rath, with the words "Now, Discover Your Strengths!" highlighted above the title. My thoughts were--- WTF?! A self- help/ inspirational book?! Jeez, did he actually think I would read this shit? What gift would I expect from someone who doesn't really know me. I just tossed the book in a pile of junk in my room and then left our house because I had to go someplace else.

When I got home, I found the book in my bed. Even in my half-drunken state I was certain I did not leave it there. I guess someone put it there, probably him, I don't know. I opened the book and saw that he wrote something on one of the flyleaves.

Hey Big Brother!

I know you may may think that reading this book is a waste of your time, but I still hope you would try reading it. I believe it will help you discover your strengths, as well as your true character. I think this will greatly and positively impact your professional career as well as your personal life.

I hope it helps you become the world's best doctor, regardless of the specialization you choose. Please tell me your top 5 themes after you've read this book, and then I'll tell you mine. By doing so, I believe we can understand each other better.

Merry Christmas!

First of all... Eew. My initial thought was: The asshole must be high when he wrote this down. I felt a sudden chill, and not in a good way. I'm not the type of person who's into Hallmark/ Kodak moments. And even if I did tend to have several of those moments in recent years, I would never have imagined having one with a member of the same gender, most especially NOT my brother. To be blunt, that letter he wrote was nauseating.

Then I read the note again. It must be the alcohol, but when I read it for the second time, i couldn't help but smile. This time I felt another chill, but in a good way. I suddenly felt sentimental. I still think the book he gave is a piece of crap, but I realize that he meant well. I can't deny all that sincerity. I guess he does know me, at least more than the average person. I guess all this time he was a silent observer, seeing through my smiling facade, knowing that I'm not fine even when I say I am, even when I don't tell him anything. It wouldn't take a genius to figure out that my life isn't exactly fine and dandy right now. If some of the people I work with can see it, did I honestly think that a person I lived with couldn't? And yeah, no matter how cheesy it sounds, I guess he does care. And I guess, like me, he also sometimes wonders why couldn't we be as close as some of the brothers we know out there.

It's never to late to start. No time like the present.

What Evil Lurks

... In the hearts of men.

Last night's tour of duty at the emergency room was more tiring than usual. Trauma patients came in one after the other. As expected, a lot of patients came in because of injuries due to vehicular accidents--- an ominous sign that Christmas is fast approaching... the number of accidents resulting from drunk driving has been steadily increasing. The other trauma patients suffered from stab wounds and gunshot wounds... another ominous sign of the season. All were held up, asked to surrender their valuables, and ended up getting stabbed or shot when they refused. What is it with the Christmas season that pushes several individuals to such means? Is the pressure to provide happiness to their own families for at least one day each year too great, that some people would resort to such violent methods? Do such selfish ends justify such means? The Christmas season may bring out the best in people--- those who are aloof suddenly become caring, those who are selfish suddenly turn selfless... yet it also has the tendency to bring the worst in us.

I remember about a month ago, while I was stuck in traffic, I witnessed with my own eyes a scene that I'd probably remember for the rest of my life. First I saw a man running as fast as he could, with one hand on his side, blood flowing between his fingers. Then several seconds later another man was apparently running after him, full of hate in his eyes, with a huge knife on one hand, shouting expletives as he was approaching his target. Murder was definitely in his eyes, oblivious to the world around him. The fact that a lot of witnesses were around him did not seem to faze him. I never knew what happened afterward, I didn't leave my car. I didn't see it in the evening news... maybe the man escaped, or maybe such events are already commonplace that the media do not consider such things as news.

What would it take for us to act completely out of character? What would exactly drive us to commit cold blooded murder? If man is inherently good, why are we capable of such horrible acts that make us seem made of nothing but pure evil? This season was meant for love and giving, for forgiveness and sharing. How could it be an impetus for acts that completely do the opposite? If this season could be distorted by the selfish motives of several men, I couldn't help but think that evil may be inherent in some of us. No matter how we sugar coat it, no matter how hard we try to hide it, when all the garnishing has been set aside, our eyes would bear witness to the ugly truth. Not all men are inherently good. We may not be inherently anything at all. Our future decisions are derived form past actions, not form something we were born with. Out of need , out of necessity or out of pure want, some of us commit actions that most people would never do. It would be safe to conclude that some of us are simply meant to be monsters rather than human.

Ramblings.

Whoa. It's been almost a month since I've last updated this blog! I've been a bit busy during the first two weeks of December, and just when I was about to post something...

BROADBAND BLUES

Our broadband modem conked out on me. I haven't been able to go online for about a week. It wouldn't have taken that long if only our Internet service provider immediately sent a technician to our house to check on the modem. For some reason, they found it hard to believe that the modem that they've provided would be broken after only two years. They must think I'm someone who doesn't know anything about computers. They kept suggesting that I try this and that, a lot of troubleshooting for the usual problems. I did as they said because they wouldn't send anyone unless they're absolutely sure that the modem was broken--- and as expected, nothing worked. It wasn't the software, it wasn't the LAN card, it wasn't the cable. It was the god damned modem!!! So when they finally agreed to send someone, it took three whole days before someone actually came. After sales support form our ISP definitely SUCKS.

THE TWILIGHT ZONE

That's where i thought I was when I was watching that piece of crap movie entitled TWILIGHT. The sound of all those girls gushing and screeching in the background made the entire experience even more nauseating. For the life of me, I could never understand why some people have been praising this film to high heavens. And I could never begin to understand what's with all that hype. Maybe I just can't appreciate this film because I never liked romantic films to begin with. Maybe I couldn't appreciate this film because i wasn't in the mood for something brainless when I went inside the movie theater. From what I could gather, I guess you could only appreciate this film if:

a) you are a girl within the age bracket of 6-16, and therefore do not look for much depth in movies.

b) you are a girl who is a hopeless romantic.

c) you are a girl with some serious vampire fetish.

d) you are a girl who's a sucker for any movie with a hint of romance

or

e) you are a guy who thinks like a hopelessly romantic teenage girl with a vampire fetish who's also a sucker for any movie with a hint of romance.

As for the rest of the human race, we're better off watching something else. Okay, so it's not really that bad. The basic premise, although littered with several cliches and a number of misses, is actually quite interesting. Kinda like Buffy 90210, if you're into that sort of thing. Heck, I've seen movies released on the big screen that are far worse--- but I expected something more because of all the hype surrounding this film. The whole movie feels like a B movie--- from the cheesy acting, to the corny dialogue, to the lame special effects. I would put it on the same level as The Covenant, which was released a few years ago. If people saw that film for what it really was, I wonder why they can't see through Twilight.

Yeesh. I'm still wondering if I could ever get those two hours of my life back.

TO STAY OR TO GO

Incidentally, me and my friend from where I used to work have reached an agreement. We've decided to take up residency in the USA, having realized that the future is really bleak for young physicians in this country. He has already resigned from where we used to work and we're on the process of studying all those things we've learned in med school again, and hopefully we could take the first exam (out of four) by March or April. And yeah, my dad agreed with this plan, but he says i have to go back here after my training--- haha. not if I can help it. Things holding me back? Yup, there's still my principles, that i'd rather serve my own countrymen, but I guess I would be able to adapt after some time. That's something I could get over with. Loneliness? I could live without my family and friends, part of me relishes being a loner anyway. On the back of my mind, there's only one thing really holding me back...

THE MATRIARCH

Yeah, my grandmother's been awfully sick AGAIN lately. Her doctor already told us last year that she's already counting the days, give or take a few years. She definitely won't make it for another decade, with the myriad of diseases in her system. She was rushed to the hospital two weeks ago, she was already in heart failure. Prior to that, another encounter with the father, about me not being able to recognize that she was in heart failure, about me being seemingly aloof and not caring at all. I've already posted about my issues in this blog, on why I seem not to care, that I'm starting to sound like a broken record. I don't like being a doctor. I hate internal medicine the most, the realm in which her diseases fall into. I hate the fact that even at home I can't escape from the thing I hate the most. To make matters worse, I find the immense pressure of treating my own grandmother hard to take, and the lofty expectations of my family making it even more difficult. She'd make an pretty good case presentation--- one that I would find very hard to present. Diabetes, myocardial infarction, heart failure, recurrent urinary tract infection, nephropathy, hypertension, recurrent pneumonia, and just recently, squamous cell carcinoma, which was already excised a week ago, but we're still awaiting the final pathology report.... hey, at least that last one's surgical... and yet I failed to recognize the lesion for what it really was. D-OH! Yeah, on one hand, I'd be glad to leave. It would be great to be away from all that pressure. It would be a relief to finally escape. But on the other hand, I'd be away for more or less five years. I'd hate to be away when she finally croaks... I owe a lot to her, almost my entire state of being. In spite of everything, in my heart I know I really love her and I'd hate to see her go.

WEDDING BELLS

Back to my friend from where I used to work. We've been having several discussions, one of which was the process of residency applications... which programs were feasible for us, which ones were hard to get to, how to make it easier to get accepted... The fact that the US is in recession won't be a problem since healthcare is one of those sectors not affected by the recession. i.e. there are no massive layoffs, and hiring is still on the upswing. Then he says something about having a better shot at getting into the program we like if we were citizens of that country. He's planning to marry his girlfriend this year, and that girl is a US citizen. As for me? He suggested that I marry his sister, who's also a US citizen (his family migrated years ago). Instantly, my eyes popped. What the fuck?! I'm not going to marry someone I don't even know! He says it would be okay with his sister, we don't really need to be together, and we could easily get a divorce after. I couldn't help but laugh. Was he serious? Apparently, he was. But I just couldn't agree with him. Even if I knew her, I can't marry someone I don't love. Heck, I don't even believe in the sacrament of marriage in the first place, so I don't give a fuck about religious ramifications. And even if it was okay with her, marrying her for the reason of residency applications would be blatantly using her. I just can't do that. Using someone for selfish gains is against my principles.

But there's that wild, foolish side of me that got a bit excited with the prospect of a shotgun marriage. There's that sort of thrill when I think about the idea of getting married just for the heck of it. So who knows? It's going to be a long 2009 for me, full of promise, different paths to take, a chance for a fresh start. Let's just see how things turn out. LOL. :)

Oh yeah...

MERRY CHRISTMAS

May it be a yuletide season for all of us. :)