Astray

Back when I was a child, when someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up, I always said I wanted to be doctor. I can't remember why, exactly. Maybe in the eyes of a child, a doctor is someone you'd emulate or even idolize. Being a doctor could be something prestigious. But as I grew up, that "dream" got lost amidst the turbulence of my adolescent years. During those years, I'd say I wanted to be an architect, so that I could put my drawing skills to good use. Or maybe a writer, since I wrote a lot of short stories and poems during my spare time. Wouldn't it be great to do the things I enjoy doing for a living? Fast forward to a couple more years, and reality had set it. I had to pick which course to take in college. There's not much money in being a writer is there? I used to be good in math--- not JUST good... I excelled without even trying. so I figured taking a course in engineering would be something I could take. I'd be in a course I can actually be good at. Or maybe a course where I can learn about business. I was really confused, I didn't know which path to take. As a haphazard solution, I applied for different courses at each university. On one application form, i wrote a generic economics/ business course. On another, I wrote biology, for the simple reason that it was my favorite subject in high school. On another I wrote architecture. And on the fourth one, I wrote mass communications, for the lack of anything else I could put.

I passed all the entrance examinations, so I still had the dilemma of choosing which course to take. No choices were eliminated. I chose the top university in the country. I chose to enroll in the biology program, and I thought it would be great to take a a course that I'm interested in. And as an afterthought, I could fulfill my childhood dream of becoming a doctor. A doctor is also financially stable--- or so I thought. Turns out my interest in biology cannot be sustained for four whole years. I was bored. And as years passed by, I realized that I didn't want to be a doctor. Most of my friends wanted to be doctors though, and I believe they're the reason why I continued on that path--- I got sucked into their dreams. Having a degree in Biology didn't open doors to many career opportunities. I could be a researcher--- boring. Or A teacher--- I hate giving lectures. It seemed that the only logical path was to continue to med school, with biology as a pre-med course. So I did, albeit halfheartedly. Of course, the fact that I was basically forced into med school pushed me in that direction. Before I graduated, I told my parents that I MIGHT not continue to med school, that it wasn't really for me. My dad rose his voice, asking what kind of career will I have? There's no other alternative, he said. And he practically ORDERED me to go through med school. My grandmother butted in, saying she always wanted to be a doctor but she never had the opportunity. Now it's her dream that one of her grandchildren will become a physician. Yeeeeesh. Emotional blackmail, that's what I called it.

And so I went through med school, which was fairly easy because the new problem based curriculum gave us a lot of free time, which I barely used for studying. And exams were given just weekly, so I can do whatever I want during most days, with enough time left to cram. Of course I didn't excel--- how could I when everything I was doing was being done halfheartedly? I still had above average grades though, and that made me realize that this could work. I may not want to be a doctor, but the the fact that I can get good grades means that I can be one.

I've gone through med school, I've finished internship. More than a year ago, I passed the board exams. Another dilemma popped up. What residency program should i choose? I hated most of the stuff that i studied in med school. Internal medicine was definitely out of the question. I like kids, but only the cute ones. I get pissed whenever I encounter difficult patients--- which is like most of the time when you're dealing with children. Pediatrics was out. ENT and ophthalmology? Snoozefest. Choices were limited when I'm in a profession that I'm not really interested in. The only thing I enjoyed doing during my internship was surgery. I like cutting, suturing, seeing blood and all that surgical stuff. So I applied for residency training in surgery.

It's been more than five weeks since I've put an end to that. The past few days leading to my decision were tumultuous. I've had it with the rotten system. Add the fact that I've had a lot of consecutive fuck ups made me question the path that I took. Maybe I wasn't meant to be a surgeon, with all the mistakes that I've been making. After a few days of rest, I began thinking of which alternative to take. I wanted to do some "moonlighting" at first, because that's where the money is, but I had to postpone that because hospitals were already getting applicants for residency training at that time. I don't want to restart my residency training in 2009. That's too long, I don't want to be delayed that much. I wanted to take up another program, knowing that a fresh graduate of general surgery would find it hard to earn money since majority of patients would still prefer going to the older consultants for consult. But as it was last year, there just nothing else I can see myself doing. I can't just waste all those years in med school and do something else. I thought of choosing a different program because towards the end, I got sick of surgery. Turns out, the other training programs nauseate me even more. Indeed, choices are very for someone who doesn't really want to be a doctor in the first place. I can't find a training program that I'm REALLY interested in. At most, I can find a program that I'm remotely interested in. It seems that I have reached a dead end, and there's no other way to go but back.

This past month, I also sporadically attend to my grandmother who's condition is worsening. Her blood pressure is erratic, to the point of being unmanageable by oral medications. Couple with her diabetes, weak heart and kidneys, an emergency situation is waiting to happen everyday. She's been in and out of the hospital since May. They've been treating her symptomatically. A definitive cure would be surgery, but that's out of the question because of her many co-morbidities. She's such a poor operative candidate. I don't mind monitoring her blood pressure everyday, but it drives me crazy every time she's on the verge of having another one of those difficulty of breathing accompanied by chills and generalized weakness episodes. Management remains the same. Try to relieve the difficulty of breathing with oxygen. Blankets for the chills. Nitroglycerine under the tongue for immediate relief of hypertension. If everything else fails, bring her back to the hospital again. I know it's my duty, but somehow I can't stand the fact that I'm being a full fledged doctor at home. I don't really want to be a doctor, yet here I am being a doctor at home--- the only place where I thought I could get away from it all. Even at home, I'm doing something I don't really want to be doing.

Yesterday, my sister left for Hawaii. To take up Yoga, of all things. Once she gets back here, she's going to be a Yoga instructor. A lot of eyebrows were raised. But she gets my support--- at least she's pursuing her dream. She's doing something she really wants. My brother is content with his job. The money is good, plus a lot of other bells and whistles like a car, a laptop, free lodging provided by the company. He doesn't seem to mind working far from home. I think he really likes the serenity offered by provincial life, plus he can surf on weekends. It's funny how they wanted all of us to be doctors, and I was the only one who got suckered into pursuing this career. I was first one to graduate college, how was I to know my siblings won't follow me through med school? I envy those people who are living their dreams. The money may not come easy, but at least they're living the life that they want. This time next year, most of my close friends in med school would have already left for abroad. It may be difficult living far from home, but i know that's what they want,they're pursuing their dreams... and they have my support--- although it's a major bummer that I have less friends that I can call whenever I'm feeling down... like today. As for me... I can't help but feel that all these years, I've been living somebody else's dream. I'm living a life that others want for me, because they think I'm not old enough to see the whole picture, I can't see the whole perspective, they're just doing what's best for me, so they're leading me towards the right path, yadda yadda yadda. I'm not living the life that i want for myself.

Being able to live a life that I really want remains to be my dream. And since I've already walked this far along this path, it's clearly too late to go back and start over--- for as long as I live, that dream would remain to be just that--- an unattainable, unrealistic dream.