Almost Burned Out

We've just shifted rotations last sunday. What happened on the succeeding days was one disaster after another. To say that maladaptation was to blame would be putting in lightly. I was completely lost. Sure, things don't need to be done immediately since every case isn't an emergency like it was during my Trauma rotation... but the workload is increased a tenfold. At the end of each duty, I failed to carry out a lot of orders. I didn't have time to do chart rounds. I couldn't even squeeze in an hour's worth of sleep! Referrals kept coming in, and even though they're not emergencies, the sheer volume of referrals kept me awake all night! And i felt so alone and helpless while carrying out orders, because the interns in this rotation are practically non existent. just this morning, I jumbled up the schedule operations, and the seniors were all pissed. I wasn't familiar with the whole process, but I know that's no excuse.

I'm almost burned out. Dead tired. More than ever, I'm wondering if this is all worth it. During our rounds yesterday, I was so sleepy and It was fucking humid inside the hospital, i couldn't pay attention during the endorsements. With the heat,I kept thinking that this time of year, I'm just bumming around in a beach somewhere. During the past years, this time of year meant relaxation, a time to get away from it all. This year, I don't have time to get away from everything, unless I quit. Most of my friends have work schedules that are not so unphysiologic, and talking with them doesn't help matters--- especially if the best advice they could give is for me to quit. They say I look like a mess. When I looked at myself in a mirror a few days ago, I realized that my life is a mess. The last time I went home, I just had time to take a shower before going back to the hospital. Before I left, my grandmother wanted to talk to me. It looked like she wanted to have a serious and lengthy conversation, I just told her I didn't have time. As I turned away, she asked if I'm happy with what I'm doing. Though I said yes, I knew she could see the truth. It wouldn't take a genius to realize I'm not happy with what I'm doing. Any person with functional eyes can see that I'm not happy. If only my service mates wouldn't be affected if I quit, if quitting wouldn't fuck up their schedules and make their lives more miserable, I would've quit weeks ago. I don't know if this is what I really want. I couldn't see myself like this in the future. My future seems to be a big blur, I couldn't see a clear picture. This very minute, only one thing is certain...

I'd rather be lying under the sun,

lying on powdery white sand,

watching clouds move slowly in the clear blue sky

with a mild cool breeze caressing my face,

the waves splashing a mist of cool saltwater on my body---

instead I'm trapped trapped in this oven... this hell hole... this slave house that I refer to as my place of work. What a way to spend my summer.

What a way to spend my life.