Year After Year

People have been greeting me all day, and i find it hard to force a smile, I find it hard to say thanks. I find it so hard to pretend. How could I, when i find no reason to be happy at this point in my life? How can I, when I feel so fucking miserable?

For the past week my dad has been bugging me to throw a birthday party. Jesus Christ. After the bad news that I received last week, he actually thinks i'd be in the mood to party? He actually thinks i'd be in the mood to celebrate? Celebrate what exactly? 3 decades of going nowhere? more than 30 years of living a life that is so far from the life that i wanted to live? Jesus fuckin' Christ, how dense is he? I didn't even want to get out of the fuckin' house, I don't even want to socialize with people. It wouldn't take rocket scientist to figure that out. It's written all over my face. To keep on bugging me to do something that I really do not want to do is not just annoying, it's downright insensitive.

But yeah, about a day before my birthday, we arrived at some sort of compromise. If i didn't want to invite my friends and our relatives to join me on this momentous occasion, we should at least eat dinner at a nice place outside. Just us, just our family. Just to get it over with, i agreed. But before we left our house, he told me not to forget my credit card. I asked him why. He told me didn't have enough cash at the moment so we're gonna use my card to pay for dinner, he'll just pay me when my credit card statement arrives at the mail. Oh my fucking God. Another one of so many facepalm moments. If he didn't have enough money, why choose such an expensive place to eat in the first place? And need I remind him that it was his idea. I didn't even want to go out. Eating dinner at home would be fine with me, but of course something as simple as that wouldn't be appropriate for such a glorious occasion.

During dinner, I was looking at the people I shared the table with. Seated across from me, there was that man that I've grown to despise so much after so many years. I recognize his great efforts to reach out, I can see that he has genuine concern for me. But all those things could never cover us his past mistakes, his past misdeeds. I don't think i can ever forget some of the things he has done. Too many huge missteps. Too many major fuck ups. Nothing could ever cover up those past sins. Absolutely nothing.

On my left was the guy whom i grew up with, but i never really had the chance to form some sort of a bond because we spent most of those years fighting and arguing instead of having some sort of meaningful conversation. I don't hate him now, but i don't feel any form of attachment with him either. Nothing.

And then there were the three women whom i only saw once a week. Sometimes weeks went by without seeing them at all. I felt no animosity towards them all those years, save for very few occasions... I never developed hatred towards them, but i never developed deep concern for them either. I just never had a chance. Maybe if things were different when i was growing up, I would have learned to care for them more. But with the way things were, i just never had the opportunity.

I looked at everyone seated at the table, and I never lost that feeling that somehow, the whole picture felt incomplete. This year marks the very first time I've celebrated my birthday without that one person that i'm closest to. Without that one person that I truly cared about. That one person who looked forward to this day every year more than anyone else. Maybe if she was still here i wouldn't feel this sad. Maybe the impact of that terrible news i've received last week would be lessened somehow. Maybe i wouldn't feel as depressed. Maybe I would have answers instead of unending questions, maybe the road ahead wouldn't be so unclear. If she was still here, maybe I wouldn't feel so fucking miserable.

It's been such a long time since my birthday meant something to me. For the longest time I have been apathetic. For the longest time I have been cynical. Now my birthday has some sort of meaning again. It reminds me of all those years i've wasted, it reminds me that i am still going nowhere.

When i was a child, my birthday was that day i looked forward to more than Christmas. When i was young, I couldn't be more happier than I was on my birthday. Now my birthday no longer holds such meaning to me. I no longer feel happiness nor apathy. Now my birthday is just depressing. So fucking depressing.