Rage

If someone handed me a gun earlier, i would have shot everyone in sight, i swear.


I really don't know what's happening to me these days. Somehow, i have become totally numb. I have become morally ambiguous. I could practically do anything and i wouldn't feel bad after. I guess my conscience has totally disappeared. I felt its presence slowly diminishing as days went by, but i couldn't determine the exact point in time when it totally left me. And in a fit of rage, i could practically do anything without any regard for all possible consequences. Instead of thinking, i would just act as i please... or let anyone do anything to me as they please... And i doubt if would feel any remorse after. I believe i could kill someone outright and i wouldn't feel a thing right after. except maybe for that tiny bit of pleasure as i have carried out an inherent carnal craving.


When we see stuff like that in the news, we are shocked. we are appalled. we are dumbfounded. Back then i didn't understand how such individuals acted the way they did. I wondered what could have made them do such horrible things, i wondered about the state of their minds. Surely, no person in his proper state of mind could commit such acts. These people must have gone crazy, and something traumatic must have pushed them onto that breaking point. But now i know that's not always the case. because i have felt that rage in my proper state of mind, and only then was i able to understand. They were fed up with humanity in general. They were fed up with this fucked up world and all its inhabitants. Humans are by nature selfish beings, humans are by nature destructive and violent. Humans are arrogant and they don't care for anyone else but themselves. I know because i am human, and no matter how much i rationalize, no matter how much i try to convince myself otherwise, there's no denying that flicker of my animal side, and i am sure that it is also present in everyone else. We question how such people can harm so many innocent lives, but is anyone really innocent? we are all guilty, either actively or passively. If several people are truly capable of caring unconditionally in this world, they are only a handful. All the rest are scum. If someone handed me a gun earlier i would have gone on a shooting spree before i shoot myself in the head. Everything was so fucked up earlier and i got so tired of all the people, i got so tired of every one's nuances, i got so tired of the chaos in this fucked up world. If someone hadn't come and took me away from all that, i would have totally exploded. I may not have a gun, but i would have totally committed unspeakable acts of violence with my fists in such a fit of rage.I would have wanted nothing more than to end it all right then and there, and i see nothing wrong if i bring a ton of scum along with me. The aftermath may be horrible, but in the long run i would have made this world a better place. I see nothing wrong with that at all, and neither should all of you.

That Fine Line

I hate being sick. Whenever i'm sick, i lose all sense of reason. I lose all control. Whenever i feel this bad, this weak... whenever i feel this shitty, it just makes it so much easier to end it all. When i feel well, i'm not someone who would back down from almost anything, but when i'm feeling this way, i'm someone who wouldn't even put up a fight. Right now i'm wishing that when i fall asleep later, hopefully i won't be able to wake up anymore. Problem solved, this miserable feeling would go away in an instant. I know i have the means stashed someplace that's easily accessible... but simply thinking about going through all the motions leaves me tired. All i want to do is lie down and wait. I'm groggy from all the meds i've been taking. If there really is a supreme being, he should be aware of how miserable i'm feeling right now. If he could only show a bit of mercy, he would take me out of my misery.


Even before this infection hit me, i've been feeling really down these past few weeks, i dunno why. About two months ago i was feeling fine. That was when i've come up with a plan, something that seemed really feasible back then, but it seems pretty bleak now.  I wanted to give it another try, but then it hit me. If i didn't make it before when my chances were better, i guess i probably won't be able to make it now. I've been doing a lot of crazy things, things that i would never have done a few years or even a few months ago, when i was still my normal self. But with the way i'm feeling now, nothing really seems to matter anymore. who gives a shit about consequences, who gives a shit about personal values and convictions. who gives a shit about principles. Certainly not me. Whatever i do, whatever i choose not to do, it doesn't really matter since i'd be gone in a few years anyway. I don't care about anything anymore. I simply refuse to. I have become morally and spiritually numb.


All the shit that goes on around the world certainly does not help change my perspective. People aren't good by nature. That's nothing but a fucking myth. People are selfish. people are assholes. People are by nature destructive. There are a few good souls here and there, sure... but they are grossly outnumbered by the scummy majority. Humanity is not something worth caring for, it's not something worth fighting for. When the time comes that i have to leave this world, humanity is not something i would miss. It would be a great relief to be away from such horrible beings.

Maybe i'm just saying this because of the things that have been going on around me these past few weeks, all that shit has definitely put me in a pessimistic mood. but such things have been happening for the longest time right? I just wasn't aware of them before. It's just not my family. It's not just about what's happening to my close friends. It's about what's happening everywhere around the world. Grave robbers continue to loot my grandparent's mausoleum. I dunno how we can stop them from doing so. My close friend's dad was killed 2 weeks ago, when drunkards beat him up real bad for no logical reason resulting in a traumatic head injury. And then i look at what happened in norway. in london. What's still happening in the middle east. It's as if all sense of reason has gone out the window. Civilization has regressed to its barbaric nature. It's as if humane and ethical means of solving problems and voicing our grievances have become totally unheard of. There can be no peace because man is by nature primitive and violent. Who can be optimistic when everywhere you look, there's nothing to be optimistic about? When even the educated show glaring signs of stupidity, when even the so called intelligent ones aren't capably of sound reasoning? I'm not really being pessimistic, i'm just being realistic. There's a fine line between those two things, the same fine line that separates optimism from stupidity. I see a lot of things wrong with the world, and that surely doesn't make me stupid. I'd rather call things as i see them, and not pretend that everything is fine and dandy when it's clearly not. I have valid reasons for feeling this way, i have reasons for being depressed. People say i have a lot of things to be thankful for,  they say that i'm luckier than most, but are those enough reasons to be happy? Are those enough reasons to keep on smiling and basically ignore everything that's wrong in our lives? Anyone who says that this world is worth fighting for, that this world is worth living for is either ignorant or a liar. I'd rather die now and be free from all the crap the world throws at me than to continue living more years in a lie. As i've said, i'm not being pessimistic. I'm just being real.