One Man's Escape

I couldn't believe it at first, but i've actually made a friend online. I find the whole thing weird because i never believed in online friendships, save for the superficial kind. But the thing i have with this guy is something much deeper. I've told him things i've only told my closest friends. Heck, i've even told him things i've never told anyone before. The fact that i don't know him personally does make things easier. I mean, so what if i tell him something inappropriate, or something highly disturbing. It's okay, i might not even get to see him in person in my entire lifetime anyway. He doesn't know anyone i know, he can't possibly tell anyone about the things i've told him. And even if he does, why would anyone care? It's not like I'm someone famous. And if one day i realize that this person knows a little too much about me, if that makes me uncomfortable i could just choose to cease all forms of correspondence. That's the beauty of online friendships. It's so east to start them, and it's just as easy to end them.

Yeah, all those things do play a part. but more than anything, i feel great when i'm talking to him because i've found a kindred soul. It started with random comments on our blog entries. Then we exchanged messages that were about superficial stuff at first, but they gradually evolved into really deep shit. Our outlook in life, our thoughts about philosophical concepts, the personal demons that we have to face everyday... like i said--- seriously deep shit. It's amazing how we are alike in so many ways. I actually found it eerie. We have the same tastes in music and movies. We have the same sense of humor. We agree on polarizing subjects like religion and politics. And most of all, we both think that our lives suck so much even though almost everyone around us think otherwise. And we both agree that people can't really be certain about something like that. It's one thing to observe how another person lives his life. To actually live that person's life is something so much different.

It was inevitable that i would ask him about his thoughts on that thing that continues to remain in the back of mind for the past couple of months now. That thing that rarely surfaces, but never completely disappears either. He told me that to even consider doing such a thing is selfish. It's selfish because doing such a thing causes a great deal of emotional pain on other people. And that even if he reaches that absolute lowest point in his life, he still won't consider doing such a thing, because he just can't bear the fact that his actions would cause such pain on people who cared about him. Even when you think no one cares, there's always someone who does, we just fail to see it. And paying back such love with pain is just plain wrong. No one deserves to feel that much pain, especially someone who cares so much about you.

But wouldn't it be selfish on the part of other people to prevent someone from doing something that he really wanted to do? If a person thinks there's no other way, wouldn't it be selfish of us to deny him of his only form of escape? it's selfish to think of the pain that you would feel without even considering the pain that the other person has to deal with every day. And there's no way we can understand what that other person is going through because we are not living his life. If it ever comes to that point, we should understand that to that person, there's no other way. It's something that he has given a lot of thought about, and it's something that he would really want to do. The pain of loss is fleeting. it could take months. it could take years. And the initial impact may seem a little too much to bear. But such type of pain is fleeting. It's not the type of pain that we have to deal with for the rest of our lives. It's not the type of pain that drives us to that tipping point, it's not the type of pain that closes our doors to all other options. It's the type of pain that allows us to move on. Instead of depriving a person of his one shot at happiness, of his only form of escape--- maybe we should all just learn how to deal. It won't be easy, but sometimes we just have to learn how to let go.