Year End

Well the year is almost over. And again, i'm feeling shitty---- the exact same feeling that i get every time the year ends. While everyone else is in a festive mood, i pretend to be one with them in their festivities, but deep inside I'm bitter. Deep inside I'm sulking. Deep inside, I couldn't possibly care any less.

I wonder if there would ever come a time when i wouldn't feel this way on new year's eve. As the year ends, I tend to reflect on the things I've done during the past year, and every time all i see are the glaring mistakes. I spend the day enveloped in remorse and regret, drowning in self pity, thinking about the things that I should have done instead. And every goddamned year all mistakes for the previous years that i have completely buried beneath my subconscious would tend to resurface yet again. And when they accumulate as they always do, i tend to feel even more miserable. Mistakes from previous years pile up on one another as the year ends, making me feel more miserable compared to previous years.

Career wise, I'm still headed nowhere. And again I've been thinking what could've been if I did not resign from the job I had back in 2007. I've rationalized again and again, and I've realized that taking all things into consideration it was for the best, but again it has reared its ugly head. Now I begin to question my decision AGAIN. My batchmates are almost done with residency, and here I am, still at the starting line. Here i am, still lost and without direction. If I had at least done something of worth this year, I wouldn't even be thinking about that again. But since I still haven't done anything, since I haven't made any progress, I just couldn't help it. I've already realized again and again that even if it was wrong there's nothing more i can do about it, and there's nothing more to do than to just simply move on. And I have moved on---- for a while. With all the things that have happened this past year--- or should i rather say things that have not happened... i just find it hard not to look back. I find it hard not to hit myself in the head again for making foolish and haphazard decisions.

And so I begin to rationalize. Again. If there's anything good that came out from that decision, it was the chance to spend more time with my grandmother. If i was still doing my residency I wouldn't have spent as much time with her during the past few years. In fact, i would have barely seen her at all. And I wouldn't have been there to hold her hand, I wouldn't have been with her as she spoke her last words, as she breathed her last breath. And no one would have taken her to the hospital that time since everyone else in the family is busy with work and other stuff--- stuff that don't even matter in the long run. I had the opportunity to take care of her. That's the only good thing that came out of that decision. If I had to rationalize and convince myself yet again that the decision I made that time was the right one if I looked at the big picture... then I guess it was. If only this feeling of self pity would disappear as I begin to rationalize, maybe I can fool myself that it was. But as long as this feeling remains, there is still doubt. This feeling would linger. As long as I haven't done anything of worth, as long as I remain on a standstill, this feeling would resurface no matter how many times I would have buried it.

I'm getting tired of playing the same old game. I'm tired of going through the same old pointless routine. I'm tired of getting nowhere. 2010 is definitely the shittiest and most miserable year of my life and I'm glad it's almost over. It's a year of loss, heartaches, failures, and disappointments--- not only for myself, but also for all the people in my close proximity. I could try to be optimistic like everyone else and welcome the new year with a smile, but i can't force myself to do that. It entails too much effort for a tired soul. I could hope that the new year would be better for me, but that would only be wishful thinking on my part. Because looking back, every year seems to be just a shitty as the previous one. And with my dumb luck, the coming year could be even worse. There's no point starting over because in my life, I keep on making the same mistakes and same stupid decisions again and again. In the calendar of my life, the next year is always as shitty or even shittier than the last. There's just nothing there to look forward to.

No Reason

On my way home this evening, i passed by a church and there were several people outside giving away flyers. They were wishing everyone happy holidays. And they were inviting everyone to a seminar of sorts. I threw the flyer away when i passed by a garbage can. But a part of the slogan stayed in my head. Three simple words.

Are you happy?

Honestly, I'm not. And while i was on the subway, i tried to think of those times in my life wherein i felt genuinely happy. The type of happiness that makes one feel warm inside, not the type of surreal and artificial happiness that alcohol brings. I tried to think of those times wherein I could say that I really felt happy... and I couldn't think of any. And now that I'm back at the apartment, i still can't think of much.

When I was given my first car, I guess I was happy then. I could go places. I could do things that i could never do before. And it gave me a certain amount of freedom. it was the shallow type of happiness that material things give you, but i was happy nevertheless.

When i first learned how to surf. And the many instances after that. The feeling you get as you ride the waves is indescribable. If I have to give it a word, it's nothing short of exhilarating. You wouldn't mind swimming back in again and again even when your shoulders become sore from all the paddling. It's temporary, and it's also shallow... but it's still happiness nevertheless.

When I first learned how to play the guitar. Even when all the songs that I knew how to play are those songs in the tutorial, i felt as if I've made some great accomplishment. It's something that I wanted to learn for so many years, and to finally learn how to play gave me a great sense of fulfillment--- and that made me happy.

When I saw one of my favorite bands perform live for the very first time--- i felt that I was in heaven. For years I've just listened to them on the radio, on my CD and MP3 players... and on that day, there they were, merely a few feet in front of me. To watch them perform with such gusto was surreal, and to share that experience with a few thousand others who share the same interest with you stimulated my senses in so many ways. That level of happiness was indescribable to me because that feeling wasn't familiar. It was such a great feeling, yet it felt so out of place.

Those times when I gave a few bucks to those beggars on the streets, and when they respond with such huge and genuine smiles, with wide eyed awe as if you've given them a small fortune even when what you've given them won't even last for a day. When they say thank you with all of their hearts, and you can clearly see how grateful they are, and you would be grateful yourself because you are so much better off--- during those times i felt all warm inside. i felt happy. Some sort of acknowledgment that I have made a difference in their lives, no matter how small and insignificant--- that makes me happy. Too bad only a few of them respond that way.

When I've helped several patients get well and they thank me sincerely and genuinely... even if they do not give me anything material in return, their gratitude made me feel happy. Even if their cases proved to be difficult, even when treating them involved so much work, all those hardships disappear in an instant when you see that you have helped them get well and they express their gratitude in return. Too bad only a few patients were that way. I'm aware that simply knowing that you have helped should be enough, but when people make you feel appreciated makes that much of a difference. Most say thanks in a very mechanical manner, as if they were required to do it, or as if they were only doing it out of habit. You could feel their lack of sincerity. Some are indifferent, some wouldn't say thanks at all. And there are a few who act as if you owe them a favor for allowing themselves to be treated by you, and some shout out expletives in return. Such patients amplify all your frustrations, and they make you wonder why you even chose to be a doctor in the first place.

When the plane landed in Seattle about a year ago. I felt genuinely happy. That was the first time that I travelled alone, and I felt as if i was about to undertake a huge adventure. And I had a great outlook in life then. There was so much potential. I was about to make my dreams a reality. Back then, it all seemed possible. Back then, it seemed that all was within arms reach. So early in the game i was a fool to believe in the ideal. I was ignorant, i was foolish, but i was happy.

Two months before my grandma passed away, i remember that one instance when we were talking in her room. We were smiling, we were laughing, talking about random stuff, talking about nothing... I was happy then... at least for a few minutes. Because after a while I wondered why we didn't do that often... just sitting in front of the TV and talking. I tried to think of the last time i've had a meaningful conversation with her, and I realized I had none. All those years, though I was always in close proximity, though I talked to her everyday... those conversations were all shallow and perfunctory. When it came to meaningful conversation, the type of conversation that would get to you, the type of conversation that affects your whole being, the type of conversation that you'd remember for a long time and cherish for an entire lifetime... i realized that we had none. Amidst the happiness that i was feeling that time, i realized something very depressing.

Happiness is essential to all human beings. We need happiness to continue living because it takes our minds off the negative, it distracts us from all the pain. When happiness evades us, we see all the darkness underneath, we see the pain of reality, we lose our shield from all the misery. Happiness gives us reason to live until the next day, it makes us look forward to tomorrow, it gives us the inspiration and strength to keep fighting. Happiness fools us into believing that there's still so much to live for even when there is none, it keeps us from giving up and letting go.

But when all happiness is gone, when nothing can mask the reality anymore--- what happens to the man who discovers that there's nothing there to live for?

I know the answer to that question. I've known the answer for a long time now. I just choose not to say it out loud.... not yet, anyway. But I will when all is certain and final. I will, when there's no more turning back. There are things that are better left in silence when there are still lingering doubts... but when all doubts are gone, i will have to decide. Things will fall into place in due time.

For now, I'm just waiting for a sign.

Fool's Journey

The snow falls slowly on this cold December night.

I have traveled so far, still there's no end in sight.
I’ve done so many wrongs, I tried to make things right.
Yet I still live in darkness, in my life there is no light.

Back then when all hope seemed to be lost
This seemed like the right path to take.
For years I ignored the glaring clues
That this path that I chose was another mistake.

My body is bruised, beaten and weary.
My soul can no longer take all of the agony.
If you thought that I was more, if you depended on me
All this time I have failed you, I am gravely sorry.

All these years I have been going through a fool’s journey.
It’s nothing but a distraction for those wallowing in misery.
It’s a trick life plays to those who believe in new beginnings.
But for people like us, there are no happy endings.

Far from where I began, still no end in sight
I can choose to move on, but I’m too tired to fight.
I can choose to stay here, and just let things be.
I can choose to surrender, and then I would be free.

Soon all will just be a bitter memory.
Life is never kind, it only prolongs the agony.
I have already answered the question of how.
There’s no use moving forward. My journey ends now.

12/17/10

Hidden

I put on a smile but my eyes still betray

the emotions that I carry every single day.
The world has no color, only different shades of grey
Life may have direction, but I could never find the way.

My eyes are windows to a damaged soul
It has been torn apart, though it never was whole.
I am careful not to show any hint of despair
We are all tortured souls, so why should anyone care.

I wander through the shores of anonymity
Amidst all of the hopelessness and uncertainty.
They say that they care, yet true motives have shown.
Amidst all these pretensions, I’m better off alone.

Why you choose to stick around, I never could tell
You keep trying to get me out of this emotional shell.
I built all these walls so that no one could see
Breaking them down would only destroy me.

Often times I wish you would just let me be.
Leave me here to dwell on my own misery
But you’re one persistent fool, that I can clearly see.
If you search a little longer, you might eventually find me.

12/16/10

Surrender

How does it feel to be wanted?
When your actions are praised and not taken for granted.
How does it feel to be loved?
When you’re not left alone, when you’re not disregarded.

How does it feel to have someone by your side?
Whom you can show your true self and no longer hide.
When you have someone near to share all of the pain,
When you keep someone close, someone to help keep you sane.

How does it feel to have someone who can understand?
When you choose to turn away she'll keep holding your hand.
Someone who’ll never give up until the day you are free.
Someone who’ll try anything just to end your misery.

How does it feel to have done something of worth?
When you have a sense of accomplishment as you roam through this earth.
I am a failure, no matter which way I choose to go
That sense of fulfillment is something that I’ll never ever know.

To be touched by a person who cares as much as you do,
Who’d disregard all other things and do anything for you.
To make someone proud, to live until life finally makes sense...
Just a few of the many things I'll never get to experience.

12/15/10

It's in the News

I don't like being idle. because the first thing I do when I'm idle is surf the net. And then i eventually end up in web sites that i don't usually frequent. Including sites that keep me up to date on the things that are happening back home. And you know how I feel about the things that happen back home. Sure, a few can bring a smile to my face... but a lot of things just make me sad. A lot of things make me feel ashamed and disappointed. And a lot of things can totally piss me off.

Just browsing through these so called legitimate and professional websites is enough to make one lose his temper. How can you have much respect for these news organizations when they often resort to tabloid journalism. They prefer to sensationalize everything, even the most insignificant things just to gain more attention. They prefer to add melodrama to everything, because that would tug the hearts of most people, and therefore increasing patronage. They have the gall to proclaim that as news organizations, they have no bias--- yet the very first sentence of every article screams bias. Instead of simply telling the news, they insert their own opinions. Some articles even begin with the opinion of the author, instead of presenting the facts first. A lot of these journalists insert adjectives, like how one party is rich while the other is poor, or how one party has a lot of supporters while the other has none, effectively imposing on their target audiences their own bias. Several news reports would focus on sob stories of one party, using all available tools just to elicit more emotion and sympathy from their readers, some extending to several pages without getting the side of the other party. And if they did, the articles about the party that they do not favor would be restricted to several paragraphs, or littered with words that would put them in a negative light. They aim to condition the minds of their readers to feel the same way they do, to empathize with the same people that they feel sympathy for. Some don't even lay out the whole truth, just bits and pieces of it. Then they embellish the article with their own opinions--- just enough to attract attention, yet at times they want it to be downright scandalous. It's the same with the news that they broadcast on TV. It's all about sensationalism so that they can get more attention, so that they can get higher ratings. Who cares if such actions could muddle police work, who cares if they could interfere with the judicial system, who cares if their actions could end up hurting a lot of people? These people claim that it's their duty to tell the news, that they're doing it as service for the people. What a load of bullshit. When things go wrong, they resort to pointing fingers, and they cannot be blamed because they were doing their duty. They act as if they are being oppressed, as if they were victims as well. Boo fuckin' hoo. Forgive me if I have no sympathy for these so called journalists. If they want intelligent people to believe in the things that they are saying, if they want us to believe that it's not all about the money to them, then they better start doing their jobs properly. Enough of sensationalism, bias, and melodrama. They belong in scripted shows on TV, not on the evening news. Opinions and bias should be placed on the opinion pages of newspapers, not on the front page. How can one have much respect for the media when they assume that people want sensationalism and melodrama? And even if the people do, how can one respect an institution that even patronizes and encourages such behavior instead of being a tool for change? How can one have much respect for these institutions when most of their actions reflect the selfish motives beneath that cloak of social service? They have the capability to promote change, they have the capacity to exert great influence, yet they do not choose to use that power properly. Because in the end, it's all about ratings, it's all about money. Anything that can jeopardize their place in the ratings game should not even be attempted. And how can one respect a nation's people when they allow themselves to be used by the media and certain powerful individuals, when they allow their minds to be conditioned in certain ways? How can you have faith in a nation when the majority of its population clamor for brainless, sensationalized and tainted journalism instead of demanding that they get the facts straight without all the embellishment--- without all the added stuffing that only serve to muddle everything? How can one have faith in his people when they let other people dictate beliefs on them, even when they are capable of independent and unbiased thinking? How can one still respect a nation when majority of its population fail to use their gift of logical reasoning because that always let emotions get in the way?

Oh, that's right. I've lost faith and respect for these people a long time ago. And so far, nothing that has happened during the past few months can restore my faith in them again.

...

So why do i still fuckin' care?

The Sea of Gullibility

I'm having one of those moods wherein the simplest things completely piss me off. Now it's status updates and profile pictures on Facebook.

I've been seeing such useless propaganda for years now. It all started with the "causes" application. Sure it was a novel idea. But after joining one cause, what happens then? most of us just forget about it. As if clicking on the join tab would be enough. You think we've done our part because once we've joined one cause we promote awareness since that latest activity would be posted on our news feed? Let's get real. If we did not donate any money to a legitimate organization, if we did not invite more friends and talk to them intimately one by one about our cause and why they should also believe in it, if we did not do everything in our power to convince them if they do not share our beliefs, if we did not go out into the world to do something more for our cause--- we didn't do anything at all, besides clicking on the join button.

For the past year or so, things took a different turn. People started posted messages on their status updates, people posted certain pictures and they ask all their friends to do the same, because it's all for a worthy cause. A lot of them are shams, preying on people's inherent gullibility or stupidity, taking advantage of people who are prone to cease all critical brain functions whenever they are enveloped in their own little online world. A lot are completely fabricated by people who have a little too much time on their hands, and they just want to see how far their clever propaganda can go. A lot are these causes are silly, a lot are done just for fun, and people join such activities simply because they're fun and everyone else is doing it. But there are some causes that are legitimate. And some of these propaganda are done for worthy causes, and not just to expose the stupidity and gullibility of most people. But really, what do we get from them? When everyone would post such status updates, does this exercise really prevent violence against women and children? Do they really serve to eradicate racism and discrimination? Do such actions help us prevent certain illnesses and eradicate diseases? Do they give justice to victims of heinous crimes, do they help eradicate poverty, hunger, and corruption? By participating in such campaigns, can we really promote world peace? Do we really think that such simple gestures can make our world a better place to live in? One of the most silly campaigns was to post your bra color to raise breast cancer awareness. Now, did it really make most people aware of breast cancer? More than half of the people i know were scratching their heads when these women started posting colors on their status updates. It would have been more effective if these women posted pictures of their breasts instead. At first I was laughing when friends of mine were posting the color of their bras thinking they would make a difference, but when most of my women friends started taking part in such a ridiculous and pointless exercise, it just became so disheartening.

For one thing, it's depressing to see how your friends can be manipulated so easily. But it's even more depressing when your friends do not allow themselves to be manipulated, when they decide to join such campaigns after deep thought, yet they don't go beyond posting a single picture or a status update. They sincerely believe that by simply participating, they can really make a difference, no matter how small that difference is. What happens after that? Most people stop there, without even thinking if they can do more. Or they just wait until the next campaign would come along, and then they would join the bandwagon again in order to appear cool and trendy. Whatever happened to being proactive? I remember when people actually went out of their own little worlds and into the real world, when they actually did something concrete and productive, when they actually reached out to someone, when their actions would actually amount to something. Now all we do is click on buttons, and then we relish the thought that we've already done our part, no matter how little it is. It would be great if we have actually done a little. But when we don't follow up those status updates with something else, we have actually done nothing. If we could only exert more effort to get off our lazy asses, we could surely do something to help these worthy causes. It doesn't end with a single status update or a click of a button. It should only start from there.

I am so sick and tired of all this slacktivism. Everyone else should feel the same way too.