In Retrospect

Nothing like driving on the freeway to keep my mind off things. I don't need a particular destination. I just drove around, moving in circles. It was just me, my car, and the road... with deafening music on full blast on the radio, I was all by myself, completely oblivious to the outside world.

Everything has been relatively normal these past few days. I can function perfectly, in fact no one would have known that my grandfather recently passed away unless i told them so. It's just that during those times that I find myself alone, the littlest things bring tears to my eyes. The music coming from the radio, old pictures on our family albums, even eating dinner alone makes me think of the person who used to sit on the seat to my left... I know I've been acting a little too melodramatic these past few days, but he's the first person that I used to see on a regular basis that has passed away... never mind if we weren't really that close when I was growing up, never mind if we had countless arguments, never mind if we didn't really get along during my younger years, and never mind if he's not really my grandfather, at least biologically speaking... every time i think about him, especially how he looked on his last few days, i just couldn't help it. I just couldn't help but cry.

I have come to realize that I'm such a lousy doctor--- at least when it comes to my family. I never wanted to be a doctor, and the only way for me to resign myself to this fate is by viewing this profession as simply work--- i derive no pleasure nor personal satisfaction from it... it's just a way to make ends meet. Thus, for the past couple of years I strived to separate work from home, because home is the place where i find refuge, where I can be away from the things that I do not want to do. So when any of them would ask me questions about their health or about anything medically related, i get annoyed. I would just think of the simplest, shortest answer possible just to get it over and done with. When i'm in such a bad mood, I simply answer i don't know. Most of the time, i wouldn't even exert any effort at all, but when it comes to other people, I can give a definite answer, and even give them proper treatment. At work some would laud my performance, but at home i turn out to be one of the lousiest.

I know that they expect me to have answers regarding their health related concerns, seeing that I'm the only physician who's readily available to them, but I still get annoyed by the fact that they fail to see that sometimes, I just want to be completely free from anything medically related. There are times when I just need a break from it all. Sometimes, I just need to be free to do the things I want to do, and be away from the things that I feel I am only forced to do out of necessity.

Right after graduation, I failed to recognize that my grandmother had varicella zoster infection despite its classic presentation... as a licensed physician, that was the first negligence on my part. And during her repeated bouts of congestive heart failure, i would find myself at a loss even though I have treated dozens of patients who were brought to the emergency room and presented with the same condition. i seldom check on her numerous medications and insulin shots... who knows if she hasn't been taking the correct dosages. And when it came to my grandfather, i used to hate all those conversations we had during dinner when he kept on asking me all those health related questions as soon as I get home from work. When i'm in such a bad mood, I simply answer with a yes or no. He never had much trust in doctors, that's why he often relied on folk medicine. Looking back, maybe there were many instances when he would have opened up his mind to the legitimate practice of medicine, and i was the one who was capable of opening his mind... yet all those times, I chose to brush him off. Who knows, if he had consulted a doctor early enough, his cancer could have been diagnosed in an early stage, and he could still be alive today.

When i came back home, I noticed that he had lost a lot of weight... his clothes seemed a little too large even though they were old. And he was telling me that he felt very weak, and he was asking me for a possible cause. When I am presented with a patient who complains of weakness accompanied by weight loss, i would immediately suspect cancer. But in his case, i wonder why it didn't occur to me as quickly. And looking back on his last night, I knew that he was suffering from respiratory distress and he was obviously having a very difficult time, i didn't really do anything. i should've gotten my grandmother's oxygen tank when his ran out even though she didn't want to share--- she didn't need it at that time, she just wants oxygen to help her fall asleep... I should've given some analgesic to take away the pain... and I should've demanded that he be brought back to the hospital even though it was agreed upon that we'll just wait for him to expire at home, because he was clearly in respiratory distress and to simply wait for him to die wasn't the right thing to do... I had the opportunity to do all those things, but I didn't. Because when I'm inside our house, i choose to be crippled... i choose to be incapable, unreliable, useless.

i found myself outside the mausoleum. Aside from the wind blowing softly, everything was still. It was locked from the inside, so i just stood outside for a few minutes. Maybe unconsciously, i knew it was where I was headed. i didn't really know why i went there. I knew all that's left inside is just a body... cold and lifeless, undergoing the slow process of decomposition. I doubt if i still believed in the myth of the afterlife, and I knew that any word i would say couldn't really reach anyone. But just for the sake of it, with the wind and the earth as my sole witnesses, I said sorry... for all the things i have done, and for all the things I haven't done.