Thunderstorms

I used to think that i was over this phase...

I used to think that it was just a phase, something that i had to go through, until it's over and done with...

after so many years, it rears its ugly head once again...

Ever since I got home I've been in a state of depression. Either I'm pissed off about something, or i just feel so lonely for no apparent reason. That is my baseline.

I've been that way for years... my emotions just fluctuate every now and then, but these fluctuations never veer far from the baseline.

But since I got back i've felt so much worse. The fact that i'm not doing much work has given me time to reflect on the things i've done and haven't done for the past couple of years, and my realizations have been so depressing.

And with the recent death of my grandfather, together with the feelings of guilt that came along with it... it has led me to an even deeper state of depression.

During dinner, I began to notice things... and i began to look at my family with disdain. How my grandmother's bad traits have been showing. How my mother appears to be some sort of a user. How my brother doesn't give a f*ck about anything at all. How everyone could act so happy, just like that, as if nothing has happened, as if nothing has changed. And of course, how my father can piss me off with such ease as always.

At the dinner table i remained quite. I felt as if i was about to burst. I kept playing with my food, just as I did when I was a kid whenever I didn't feel like eating... while they went about with their idle conversation.

i just want to go away. i just want this stage in my life to end. If i stay here for long, I will surely go crazy.

And that's when I thought about doing something drastic. That's when I thought about the things that filled my thoughts those many years ago. back when I wanted an easy way out. Back when I would let irrational thoughts cloud all logical thinking.

But I knew all i had to do was take a drink. Calm down and take one drink. It always pulls me away from my state of melancholia, albeit temporarily. I just fear that the day might come when I'll grow tired of such temporary relief...

Because as of now, i'm so tired of my life as it is.