Surf's Up!

I just tried surfing for the first time last weekend. My brother and several of my cousins have been surfing for two years now. They have been asking me to join them, but my work schedule isn't exactly what you can call "recreational activity friendly". It's not really my cup of tea, but I wanted to try surfing just for the heck of it. And let's admit, surfing is a pretty cool sport. I didn't have work last weekend, so I finally went with them with no preparation whatsoever.

My first attempts were horrible. It was one wipe out after another. I could only manage to stand on that damn board for a few seconds before falling. The weather wasn't even cooperating. It was drizzling, and the waves we're quite high--- definitely not suitable for beginners. It was like learning to ride a bike all over again--- only harder. I was trying to keep my balance on an ever changing terrain. Many times I thought it was a futile exercise in maintaining balance. Trying to surf was so frustrating!

...But i just couldn't stop trying. Even though I had a very low success rate, surfing is still so much fun! And that feeling I felt the first time I did it? Such joy is priceless. I believe I've found a new passion. I can't wait to go surfing again!

Now I have to try and keep most of my weekends free next year. hehe. :)

Alternative Career

A funny thing happened while I was on vacation down south this past weekend. It was actually embarrassing and I felt uneasy the whole time--- but looking back, it guess it was an experience that I would laugh about every time I would remember it.

So we went to this bar that apparently catered primarily to foreigners. Right off the bat, a woman who I assume to be Korean, probably in her late thirties--- approached me and was pulling me up the stage where she was already dancing minutes earlier. She's not unattractive, but she's not a head turner either. The fact that she was obviously drunk made her more unappealing, every word she spoke reeked of alcohol. I didn't want to go up, but since she was persistent and I was the type of person who found it hard to say no when people become persistent--- I obliged. I didn't dance though, I basically just stood in front of her while she danced while whispering her blabberings. She kept giving me compliments, about my looks, how I smelled... Then she started saying she loved me and that she wanted to take me home. After a few minutes, she got distracted and I took the opportunity to go back to our table, but she followed me and pulled me towards her table. Again she said the same things, but she became more physical. She kissed my neck, licked my ears (I know, gross.) She tried to kiss me on the lips, good thing I managed to turn my head just in time. Each time I tried to pull away, she hugged me tighter. I couldn't think of a possible way to escape without physically hurting her. In her drunken state, she'd probably make a huge commotion if I hurt her. One of her companions sat on the chair in front of us, but he just laughed. Crap. I tried making several excuses but nothing seemed to work--- and my friends weren't helping me either! She then told me where they were staying (which was exactly the same resort where we stayed, D-OH! ), saying she'll take me there, take care of me, make me happy, blah blah blah. I managed to go back to the other table where my friends were seated, but she still followed. Good thing her other companions came, saying it was time to leave. When one of her male friends got mad at her, that seemed to shake her out of her drunken state somewhat. But before leaving, she asked me if I really didn't want to come with her. And here's the clincher--- when I said NO, she asked me what would it take. She asked me HOW MUCH.

I guess that broadens my horizons. When my present career doesn't work out and I eventually go bankrupt, I already have an alternative career to take.

Hehe. Just Kidding. :D

Dragon Ball Z Movie?!

That's a photo of Goku from the live action--- that's right... LIVE ACTION DRAGON BALL Z movie that will be released next year. What the heck were they thinking?!

I was a huge Dragon Ball Z fan, but I find it hard to get excited by this movie. I don't even feel nostalgic--- because unlike Transformers or even the upcoming adaptation of Voltron, a live action Dragon Ball movie just doesn't seem right. I can't imagine those characters in a real world setting.

Although I'm trying to hold my initial impressions until I see the trailer this December, I'm already willing to bet that this will be one hell of a stinker. This early, we already have a nominee for the biggest bomb of 2009.

more pictures at ign.com.

Square One

I couldn't help but smile. But there’s that underlying feeling of uncertainty that prevents it from being a full blown smile.

It’s no secret that I didn’t really want to go back to the place where I used to work. I was practically forced to re-apply. So being my mischievous self, I devised a plan of sorts. I applied for a different program, because I knew my dad didn’t know any of the consultants in that department which would prevent any under the table deals. The fact that they would only be accepting two applicants means there would be lesser chances of me getting accepted. But--- it was a program that I did like… so in case I got the job, I would’ve gone through with it. I would even treasure the position since it’s a very competitive slot. I said during the interview that it’s okay if I don’t get accepted for the straight TCVS program--- that’s true. I also said it was okay if they give me a slot in the general surgery program instead, the same program I was in last year--- that’s a big lie. No way would I be repeating that experience, even more now that I’ve experienced first hand how easier life would be if I choose to be in a subspecialty program.

So yeah, the plan worked perfectly. Everything went according to plan. The brightest of the bunch got one position, and what I would suspect someone with strong connections got the other--- with her lousy performance during pre-residency, I doubt if she got in fairly. Don’t get me wrong, no way am I being bitter. I would’ve been fine either way. One consultant called me up offering me the general surgery slot, which I said I would take in the event that I wouldn’t get accepted in the TCVS program. It’s also the position promised to my dad by his friends in the department--- and guess what? I said NO. LOL. I just said I was uncertain before that’s why I said I would accept the position during the interview, and it’s only now that I have realized that I really wouldn’t want to take it. If I really wanted that, I wouldn’t have resigned last year. If I really wanted that, I would have chosen that position as my first choice. My dad is still in abroad on his business trip, and by the time he gets home it will be too late for him to do anything. Oh yeah, there will be fireworks. All hell is going to break loose. It’s going to be war all over again, but I think it’s about time he let go of his dream of having his son finish residency in that stupid institution--- we’ve been in a standstill for far too long. I’m not a complete asshole--- I sometimes pity him, I see the great efforts that he’s making to bring me back, and I bet he had to swallow a lot of pride, which is very difficult for him, being the person he is… but it’s not something that I want. It’s really difficult to live the live others want for you and not the life you want for yourself. It’s been this way for far too long, and it’s making my life more difficult. It’s bad enough as it is.

For the first time in weeks, I couldn’t help but smile. But there’s that lingering feeling of doubt, whether or not I made the right choice… it could be that I’m just letting my tendency to be hard headed take control again. Then there’s that feeling of uncertainty--- where do I go from here? The whole experience may be a blessing since other opportunities have opened up for me, but I have no idea which path to take. I’m back to square one again. Crap, it’s been two years after graduating from med school, and I still don’t know what I really want. Part of me wants to stay here, part of me wants to go away. The financial rewards are far greater abroad, but I may not have the same satisfaction that I get when treating patients in my own country… and yeah, I could only imagine myself in the surgical field, I can’t imagine myself as a primary care physician in the fields of internal medicine, family medicine, pediatrics etc. for the rest of my life…. and those are the feasible residency programs a foreigner could get in the US! I could still choose to apply in the surgical fields, but they say it would be very difficult. So it’s a choice between the easy way that I don’t really want, or the hard way that I really want. Man, how I hated internal medicine in med school… I’m not sure if I could do that and just think about the financial rewards, even though I get no fulfillment in what I’m doing because I’d be treating my work as a chore.

Crap, crap, crap. Decisions, decisions, decisions. I have to arrive at a definite decision as soon as possible and stick with it. After all, I’m not getting any younger.

Fair Weathered

Crap.I hate losing friends this way.

It would've have been easier to accept if we had a huge fight or something. Losing a friend this way is just plain stupid. And the fact that I've lost several friends this way is just exasperating.

So yeah, there was this girl, who I got to know three years ago when I was still a medical intern and she was one of those students following interns around for medical purposes. A year later, when I got to know her better, she admitted that she had a crush on me then--- someone she viewed as plain eye candy, with nothing much inside the head. Someone who was just nice to look at, but not someone you'd take seriously. But since she go to know me better, all that superficial attraction that she felt for me got lost... at least that's what she said back then.

So yeah, knowing that she felt no attraction whatsoever, I felt more comfortable with her. She kept on sending text messages, asking for help with med stuff at first, then later on just idle chatting, so yeah we became closer. The fact that i discovered that she still liked me somewhat (through her blog that she didn't know I was ware of) didn't become a hindrance... she was good company, I enjoyed the conversations we had, she was there every time I needed help, and she was willing to listen every time I felt down. Even though we seldom see each other personally, we still became close... I even began referring to her as a level two friend early this year. My close friends have pointed out that getting to know me is like getting to know three different individuals. To my acquaintances, I'm that shy guy, who seldom speaks out. Yeah, I'm mostly silent when I'm with people I don't know yet--- possibly because people might get the shock of their lives once I reveal my usual self immediately. LOL. Most people know me as that happy go lucky guy who always smiles, that guy who does crazy things ever so often... that's the part of me that I show people who I've gotten to know better. It's not really a facade--- I'm really that type of person. It's just that there's a part of me that I choose to stay hidden. That brooding, pensive guy, who has so much emotional baggage, that very few people can handle that much emotional weight... that's why I choose to reveal that side only to a few people--- those people that I'm really close to, those people that can surely handle that side of me without looking at me differently. Not just an ordinary level 1 friend, but a level 2 friend--- someone who knows the real me. She was one of those people.

Two weeks ago, she felt the need to fuck it up. For some reason, she was getting jealous of this friend of hers who I'm always with. She said that this other girl likes me also, and the fact that I'm with her almost everyday might lead me to liking her also. So she revealed everything. She wasn't turned off by my crazy side. She found that boyish appeal charming, but she still thought of me as simply eye candy then, not someone you'd be in a relationship with. She said she fell for me when I revealed to her my emotional side. Most people who choose to stay away, but when I revealed to her the things I normally hide, that was when she saw me as someone that wasn't superficial. Even our talks made her realize that i was intelligent, not just some airhead like all the other eye candies. And I was always there for her when she needed help and comfort--- something I do to all my level 2 friends, that she apparently mistook for something more. So yeah, she thought there could be a chance that we could be something more, that's why she revealed everything. She says better to know for sure, rather than wondering her whole life if it could've been.

Even if I knew that she had feelings for me, it's easier to pretend when it's not said out loud. i could pretend that I wasn't aware of that. But now, everything's awkward. She said at first that she doesn't feel awkward. She actually felt better because now she knows for certain that I don't see her that way and now she could move on and start liking other guys... with was apparently a ton of BS. I've read one of her blogs saying that she wasn't happy, and that she was mad at me for seemingly not caring about her feelings. Every time a GIRL gets emotional, I have to scratch my head and shout WHAT THE FUCK??!!!

Not caring about her feelings?! she was the one who started this whole mess because she felt she had to confess her feelings! I did not do anything! If I hurt her by not doing anything, If i hurt her feelings, I did not mean to. It was not intentional... I mean, what was I supposed to do?! Pretend that I also had feelings for her?! This also happened way back in high school when some girl also did a grand revelation. Her friends expected mo to feel the same way she did, but since I did not, I was immediately labelled as a villain. They hated my guts, because I hurt their friends feelings by not feeling the same way she did. Jesus Christ. What an incredibly selfish and self centered way of thinking. Seriously, the way females think are so majorly fucked up at times! Could it be because of all those hormones in their blood clogging up the vessels in their brains?!

The last message I got from my previously level 2 friend? One day before she said she wishes I could get over my awkward phase so that things would be back to the way it was... then she suddenly makes a complete turnaround by saying she's not sure if we could still be friends, and that she wishes me a good life. So I guess that's her way of saying goodbye. All those years of friendship thrown away just like that. Jesus Christ. Trying to understand a fucked up female mind would definitely fuck up my mind as well.

This Halloween's Obligatory Horror Movie...

THE MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN.

First of all--- no horror movie should ever be given such a funny sounding title, even if that's the title of the source material. Maybe it's just me, but to me that title simply takes all the horror away.

Earlier this year, horror fans made a huge fuss on why this film's theatrical release kept on getting postponed... they made an even bigger uproar when Lionsgate Films decided to release this movie in just a handful of theaters in the US (100 theaters to be exact... with no promotion whatsoever) , effectively making it a semi-direct to video release. Since I was in the mood for something horrifying, I figured I might as well watch this movie and see what all the fuss was about.

This movie is based on a short story of the same title by Clive Barker, taken from his Books of Blood collection. The story is relatively simple--- the main character is Leon, a struggling photographer who never seems to get that big break. Upon the advice of a dealer, he took it upon himself to catch the spirit of the city in his photographs. One night, he photographs a woman on a subway station, and this woman turns up missing the next morning. Upon returning to the scene, he discovers that a butcher... uh--- butchers his hapless victims on the late train.

Maybe it's because I'm so used to horror movies that no horror movie could scare me anymore, or maybe it's because I've seen so much blood and gore in real life that I have become so desensitized... but I just didn't find this movie horrifying. For one thing, the special effects take away from all the horror that they were supposed to convey... I mean, how can anyone be horrified when blood has that orange tinge, when eyeballs look like plastic, when the subway itself looks like something from a videogame cut scene--- I found it hard to be affected by all that gore when it all looked so fake. If those scenes were only done in a more realistic manner, I imagine some people might close their eyes or look away... but with the way those scenes were executed, I couldn't help but find them comedic. There are some moments that were genuinely tense, but save for the bizarre final act (that's actually typical if you're accustomed to the world of Clive Barker) the entire movie succumbs to the usual trappings of slasher/ horror movies. We've seen all those scare tactics before, and they were done more effectively. Overall, the movie is quite effective for a few scares, and i wouldn't call it bad... I just wouldn't call it a classic either. I guess Lionsgate Films decided to dump this movie on the direct to video bin because it does seem like a direct to video B movie at times. It's quite a shame though, because this movie is a lot better than most horror movies that get a theatrical release these days.