Saints and Sinners

I went out with a group of people last night, just harmless fun, drinking and dancing. Even though I didn't get to sleep at all the previous night because work at the hospital was unusually "toxic", I went straight to the club after taking a bath and having a late dinner. One of them was an extremely close friend that I rarely see, so when he asked if I had any plans for the night, I said I had none even though all I wanted to do was sleep. The dance floor was extremely crowded, and I didn't get to drink much because every drink was ridiculously overpriced. Still, I had some fun. I got home just before 6 in the morning. I didn't sleep immediately because I talked with another friend for about an hour or so. By the time I put the phone down, I was completely exhausted and fell asleep in an instant.

I guess it was around 3 PM when THE father was trying to wake me up. It was time to get up so I could get ready for church. UGH. I was so sleep deprived and I had a minor headache. I would rather stay in bed than to go to church, pretending I'm some devout catholic. I was not in the mood for pretensions...So I ignored him each time he tried to wake me up. When it was almost 5 PM, he shouted at me, his voice filled with the very familiar tone of anger. Insert the obligatory curse words between sentences. "What you're doing isn't good! You have been given a second chance at life", apparently alluding to the accident that happened a month ago. "That should have been a wake up call for you to change! Most of all, you should be very thankful to the Lord! And still, you choose to stay in bed instead of hearing mass! I hope you realize what you are doing and I hope you change your ways soon!" Then I heard him slam the door.

Jesus-freakin'-christ. Mr. hypocrite is at it again. Funny how he can talk of the Lord and yet insert cuss words in the same sentence. If only he kept talking for a few seconds longer, I would've made two points clear.

1) I do believe in the existence of a superior being, an entity we refer to as "God"... but I don't believe in the Catholic faith, or any other faith for that matter. Going to church every Sunday is just an exercise in pretension. A CHORE that I'm not really fond of doing. I just go with them so that I wouldn't upset my grandparents who are overly zealous and devout catholics.

2) I didn't die because the "Lord" saved me, or because he didn't want me to die at that time, for some unknown reason... That it wasn't my time yet, that dying then wasn't part of his plan for me. Oh please. I didn't die because the airbags didn't malfunction, because the the doors didn't jam, and because the impact was probably not that strong in the first place. If they purchased the lower end model of the car, the one with no airbags, specifically tailored for the budget conscious, I would probably be a goner. Some may argue that "God" made sure that the car didn't explode upon impact, that he made sure the doors didn't jam yadda yadda yadda. Or that the Lord whispered to my parents something like they should purchase the high end model for me when the car was bought a few months ago. That was not miracle at work. That's common sense. If you had the money, why on earth would you buy the model that lacked safety features?! And even, for the sake of argument, some superior being really did save me from death and gave me this second chance at life... as I've mentioned in a previous entry, I'm not really thankful for this second chance. It would've been perfectly fine if I had died.

They apparently left already, so I just slept again. I woke up at about an hour later, ate dinner, and then slept again. It was probably around 9PM when they got home. As expected, Mr. Hypocrite aka He-who-thinks-he's-some-supreme-being woke me up. With the same raised voice, still filled with anger but not as loud, he said, "You are already old enough to know the difference between what's right and wrong, I hope you realize that what you've done is very wrong, for your sake!"

UGH. What exactly did i do that was VERY WRONG? I didn't hear mass because I felt tired. Was that such a horrible act? Was that such a grave mortal sin, even worse than theft,rape, or murder? The problem in this predominantly catholic country, people are judged on the basis of their faith. One of my grandfather's general rules is that we should never miss mass. We should go to church on Sunday no matter what. He's such a devout catholic, when the basis is the number of times a person prays, the number of times a person goes to church. So what if most of the sentences coming out of his mouth are filled with cuss words? So what if he sneaks in prostitutes inside his room when he thinks everyone is already asleep? So what if he still watches his massive porn collection regularly at the age of 81? It doesn't matter because be prays regularly and confesses his sins regularly. Never mind the fact that once he gets out of that confession booth, he reverts back to his usual ways.

The problem is, our values and our worth as a person are judged on our allegiance to religion. Those who pray regularly are good people. Those who don't are evil. It's just black and white, there are no shades of grey. How many of those devout catholics steal, cheat, rape, murder? Some of them are priests and nuns for crying out loud, the so called leaders of the catholic church! So don't they dare teach us about morality! Don't they dare accuse others as sinners when they turn a blind eye when they see the demons within their ranks! I know a lot of agnostics and atheists who act better than those catholics. I even think of myself as generally "good", even when I don't have faith. I know the difference between right and wrong, and I always do what I think is right. My conscience is intact. Helping others seem to be second nature, and I never would want to hurt others intentionally. Some even say I am too good, even if they are aware of the dastardly acts that I have done. Even though my soul has been corrupted somewhat, they still describe me as a person who's soul is "pure". And yet in the eyes of my father and grandfather, I'm such a sinful person because I chose not to hear mass. All the good I have done, all the good that I am capable of doing is completely set aside. Because according to their faith, any person who does not believe in that faith will go straight to hell no matter how much good he has done in his life.

If heaven is going to be filled with such self righteous pricks, then maybe hell wouldn't be such a bad place to go to after all.