IMAX 2D

Two weeks ago, I watched the movie I Am Legend in an IMAX theatre. Some said I just wasted money because there were no 3D enhancements made for the IMAX version of the movie. I think I got my money's worth though. For one thing the admission price is cheaper compared to a movie with 3D enhancements... and while other people feel cheated when they watch the so called enhanced versions of movies only to find very little 3D effects that were haphazardly put in, I didn't feel cheated when I saw I Am Legend since I knew there were no 3D enhancements in the first place... Watching a 2D movie in IMAX is still one heck of an experienced. The screen size is gigantic, and the sound effects are greatly enhanced, something I didn't notice before. Watching a movie in a THX theater would seem ordinary after watching a 2D movie in IMAX!

Okay, okay... the main reason why I wanted to watch I Am Legend in an IMAX theater so bad was because I wanted to see the exclusive 6 minute footage of The Dark Knight that was attached to the IMAX version of the film! LOL. They reportedly used a special kind of lens, with the intention of putting the film on IMAX. The result was breathtaking. Unlike I Am Legend, The entire screen was filled up, and everything was crystal clear--- watching the entire footage was so immersive, for a second I thought I was part of the action taking place on screen! After seeing that 6 minute preview, there's absolutely no way I'm watching The Dark Knight in an ordinary theater!

On a side note, it's a pity Heath Ledger passed away last week. I know his untimely demise has been blogged to death by now, and I don't intend to make an entry about it. It's just that I never thought much about him as an actor until I saw his chilling portrayal of the Joker. What a pity. Who would've thought that he could put Jack Nicholson's over the top portrayal to shame.

The Big A

I've been having recurrent respiratory tract infections for several months now. I keep on getting colds, mere days after the previous episode has resolved. I've been coughing for weeks now, and it doesn't seem to be resolving. Wounds from the accident two weeks ago seem to be taking a long time to heal. One wound even got infected, even if I took the necessary precautions to prevent infection. And I seem to grow tired easily these days.

Paranoia sets in again.

Normally, I would've dismissed such symptoms. Coughs and colds are a dime a dozen. Not all wounds heal easily. Wounds can still get infected even when all precautions are done. And I probably tire easily because I haven't been exercising for weeks now.

Still, I can't help but wonder. Am I immunocompromised? If I am, what could be the cause? It's horrifying to even entertain the idea... that my promiscuous lifestyle has finally caught up with me.

I always said I don't mind dying. Death isn't something I'm afraid of. But if I have the choice of how I would die, i definitely wouldn't want to die that way.

How Far We've Come

Artist: Matchbox Twenty
Album: Exile on Mainstream

One of my favorite songs (it was on the top 25 most played playlist on my recently demised ipod) has just become more relevant.

I'm waking up at the start of the end of the world,
but it's feeling just like every other morning before,
Now I wonder what my life is going to mean if it's gone.

The cars are moving like a half a mile an hour if that,
and started staring at the passengers who're waving goodbye
can you tell me what was ever really special about me all this time?

But I believe the world is burning to the ground
oh well I guess we're gonna find out
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we've come

Well I believe it all is coming to an end
oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend,
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we've come

I think it turned ten o'clock but I don't really know
then I can't remember caring for an hour or so
started crying and I couldn't stop myself
I started running but there's no where to run to
I sat down on the street, took a look at myself
said where you going man you know the world is headed for hell
say all goodbyes if you've got someone you can say goodbye to

I believe the world is burning to the ground
oh well I guess we're gonna find out
let's see how far we've come (right now)
let's see how far we've come

Well I believe it all is coming to an end
oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend,
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we've come

Its gone gone baby its all gone
there is no one on the corner and there's no one at home
well it was cool cool, it was just all cool
now it's over for me and it's over for you
well its gone gone baby its all gone
there's no one on the corner and there's no one at home
well it was cool cool, it was just all cool
now it's over for me and it's over for you

I believe the world is burning to the ground
oh well I guess we're gonna find out
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we've come

Well I believe it all is coming to an end
oh well, i guess, we're gonna pretend,
let's see how far we've come, again
let's see how far we go
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we go
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we go
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we go
let's see how far we've come

Near Death

You never can be fully prepared for the things that can happen in life. Just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, just when you think you know the whole system inside out, something completely unexpected would happen that would literally shake your very foundations.

Yesterday started out like any other day. I had the day off, so I thought of going out, maybe watch a movie. One of my closest friends, whom I haven’t seen for years, recently brought up the idea of us meeting up so that we could catch up. I thought yesterday would be a perfect opportunity. Watch a movie, then maybe coffee afterwards. The movie was okay, nothing exceptional. Instead of having coffee, we went to a bar instead --- which was fine since I’m not really a coffee person. I had a few drinks, yes--- but I was far from drunk. I guess I was a bit tipsy, but not to the point where I lose control of my senses. I could drive home in one piece with a whole lot more alcohol in my system.

When it was almost 4 AM, we decided that it was time to leave. We were on our way to her house when it happened. I admit I drive pretty fast, but during the wee hours of the morning, driving at such speed seems pretty commonplace. I hit the accelerator so that I could go faster, then just when we approached the curve ahead, the breaks didn’t function. I don’t know how many times I stepped on the break, but it just didn’t take. That part of the road was curved, and it can be difficult to see oncoming traffic. There was a vehicle approaching, I steered and lost control, and eventually hit a concrete post--- hard. Upon impact, the hood of my car burst into flames. Maybe it was reflex… I steered the vehicle again, even when I could not see where I was going because of all the flames and the broken windshield. And then we stopped. It all happened so fast, pieces of my life flashed in an instant. Everything was so surreal. For one moment, I entertained the possibility that it was all just a horrible dream... it had to be. When the vehicle stopped, I kept thinking of what should’ve been, what could’ve been… what stupid mistake I made, the exact point of miscalculation… what I did, what I shouldn't have done, what I should’ve done instead… if only I could turn back time and fix this huge mess. I seemed to be okay, and so was my friend, although she seemed a little dazed. Thank goodness the airbags were functioning properly, else we would’ve been seriously injured. I went out of the car, helped my friend out as she was complaining of pain in her chest. When we were at a safe distance, I went back and tried to salvage whatever I can get. I grabbed my ipod, which wasn’t really necessary since it was already busted beyond possible repair, as I’ve discovered later. My car, and my ipod… my two most priced material possessions, now gone.... just like hat. In an instant. I looked for my friend’s cellphone amidst the litters of shattered glass. I grabbed the car keys, which was pretty stupid. What would I use it for? I got blisters on my hand in the process because the fire was already at the dashboard by then. I tried to open the trunk to get some of my medical supplies stored back there, but it wouldn’t open. Trying to open the trunk manually with the keys instead of using the electronic system didn't occur to me. I tried to get more stuff, when someone shouted the car could explode any minute.

The explosion never happened. Flames just engulfed the whole car slowly. I was enveloped with immense sadness as I watched the car burn, as if a part of me has just died, as if a part of my life has just been taken away. By the time the firemen came, there was nothing left that can be salvaged. Just a heap of dust, rubber, and metal.

My friend was rushed to a nearby hospital. Save from several bruises, she was otherwise fine. As for me, I had several lacerations and abrasions. Some needed to be sutured but I just dressed the wounds. My neck hurts, which could mean a whiplash injury, but I did not go to a hospital to have x-rays done just to be sure. Pretty stupid management from someone who’s a doctor. It’s even more preposterous since I’ve rotated in trauma for 3 months, and I know how to manage such cases properly. Doctors really make the worst patients, don't they?

It was all over the news. First the morning news, then the footage was repeated on primetime. I hate those stupid camera men. I was told they wouldn’t show my face so I agreed to be interviewed. Most shots were indeed taken from my back, but some shots showed the side of my face! Plus, my name was repeated several times! The fact that I was a doctor was even emphasized! The whole day, my cellphone has been ringing non stop, I kept receiving endless text messages… I know these people are just concerned so I shouldn’t get miffed… but a lot of the calls are from people I’m not even close to. I can’t help but wonder if they are really concerned, or they just want to hear the news first hand. Calls from real friends--- that was heart warming. I couldn’t help but actually feel loved and wanted when one friend actually cried when she thought I had died that night. The breaking news that morning was vague after all, with no word on the status of the car’s passengers. Watching myself on TV was so embarrassing, I wanted to hide under a rock! The car agent called me, saying the car would be replaced since it was insured. But my dad doesn’t want to settle. He wants to sue. He said that break failure in a relatively brand new car is unheard of. Cars shouldn’t burst into flames upon impact. The fact that these things happened proves that the car was faulty in the first place. The minor problems we’ve seen in the past few months--- faulty power windows and various clicking sounds, supports this theory. Still, i don't really want to sue. It's not like they deliberately sabotaged the break system. The manufacturers couldn't have possibly predicted it would happen. No one wanted such a thing to happen. And the company was kind enough to voluntarily offer a settlement... but what the heck do I know about the country's legal system? It's a good thing the doors didn’t jam, and good thing the airbags were functioning, else we could’ve been trapped inside and burned alive.

But you know what’s disturbing? If I was driving alone, it would’ve been fine with me if everything ended that night... and I'm waaaay over my suicidal phase. I'm not thinking of taking my own life intentionally, but whether or not I've died that night, I wouldn't really care. The fact that I had a friend riding with me shook me from such apathetic self indulgence. I could never deliberately put a friend in harms way, and I could never live with the fact that a friend has been harmed as a result of something that I have done--- be it intentionally or accidentally. I would gladly give up my life for the life of a friend, especially since I have little regard for mine. If I was driving alone, and I lost the breaks, it would’ve been fine if I died upon impact, or slowly burned alive as I’m enveloped in flames, thinking about what a pathetic life this has been. There’s not much I’d like to cling to anyway… and among those few things, none of those would make me dwell on regret and dismay if I ended up losing them. Along with happiness and hope, all problems and pain would disappear in an instant. As for people talking or discovering the skeletons in my closet... let them talk, let them find out. It's not as if i'd still be able to give a damn once nothingness has reclaimed me. In just one instant, everything would go away. But with dumb luck, I’m still alive. I'll still be able to live through the coming days. As sure as the sun would still rise tomorrow, I’ll still be continuously bombarded with problems in this life.

Just my luck, I've been given a second chance at life.

Back in the Game

A Brand New Year. Brand new opportunities. A chance for new Beginnings.

I’m back in the game... Sort of.

I’ve finally started “moonlighting”, which was something I was planning to do months ago. Since applications for residency training in most hospitals are already closed, moonlighting became the most feasible option. I had to find a job ASAP because my funds are quickly becoming depleted. LOL. There were a lot of job openings prior to New Years Day, in anticipation of all the injuries that accompany the festivities--- firecracker injuries, mauling, vehicular accidents, etc. I got one as a surgery assistant—the fact that I already spent several months in surgery training made things easier for me to get hired. The fact that they were paying double for each hour spent in the hospital on that day made those job openings difficult to resist. Most people opt to have the day off during holidays. I’m already tired of our annual New Year’s Day traditions, so I don’t mind working. I’d rather be working and doing something productive than to start another year by being part of the same redundant and senseless traditions.

It was only supposed to be a one time deal--- initially, I only planned to work for 2 days. It turns out that one of the regular moonlighters is out of the country, and won’t be back until next month. So they asked me if I could still report for 24-48 hour duty shifts. Since I wasn't really doing anything, and the pay was much much better than my previous salary, I said yes. This is truly where the money’s at.

But it’s not something I could do long term. Probably one month, max. The salary is great, and we spend most nights in the callroom instead of working in the emergency room, operating rooms, and wards. I never thought that work can be so easy. We just watch TV, play videogames, sleep, eat, and wait to be called. I could sleep for at least four hours a day! I never missed meals! Most of the times, we just tell the nurses what to do and they do all most of the work. For the first time I experienced working with nurses who don’t act like superiors, they act as assistants! And come to think of it, we are actually overpaid! The exact opposite of my previous job! One of the doctors I worked with has actually been employed there for 10 years! He never yearned for residency training because he was so content with his job… and I could clearly see why.

But such a lifestyle isn’t for me. Maybe I’m just not used to it... maybe I’ll eventually get used to it… but I felt out of place. I don’t like just sitting around doing nothing. Several times I went to the emergency room looking for something to do, only to go back upstairs because there really was nothing to do. I never thought I could be bored to death while working.

I also felt shackled... paralyzed. I felt like some puppet that can’t move on its own. In many cases, we can’t decide on our own. We have to call the consultants and ask them what we should do, or ask permission if we think we should do something. The final word is theirs, we are just there to follow and carry out their orders. Two nights ago one patient came in with gunshot wounds. Since there were no bullets retained inside, and no internal organs were damaged, I was about to debride the entry and exit wounds and send the patient home. Then one of my co-workers told me that we can’t do that. We have to admit the patient because only consultants can do what I was planning to do. And it can’t be done in the emergency room, it had to be done in the operating room. Something as simple as that had to be done in the operating room. Go figure.

It also became clear that I’m not suited for work in a private hospital. I pity the patients who can’t get treated because they lacked funds. I pity those patients who can’t even get discharged and transfer to a cheaper hospital for the same reason. I have a problem with certain policies, that patients should be admitted even when there are no indications for admission, why certain forms of treatment should be administered even when there are cheaper and more practical alternatives--- because in a private hospital, health becomes business. Everything becomes more financially oriented and less service oriented. It’s a totally different ballgame, with rules that I may never get used to.