Near Death

You never can be fully prepared for the things that can happen in life. Just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, just when you think you know the whole system inside out, something completely unexpected would happen that would literally shake your very foundations.

Yesterday started out like any other day. I had the day off, so I thought of going out, maybe watch a movie. One of my closest friends, whom I haven’t seen for years, recently brought up the idea of us meeting up so that we could catch up. I thought yesterday would be a perfect opportunity. Watch a movie, then maybe coffee afterwards. The movie was okay, nothing exceptional. Instead of having coffee, we went to a bar instead --- which was fine since I’m not really a coffee person. I had a few drinks, yes--- but I was far from drunk. I guess I was a bit tipsy, but not to the point where I lose control of my senses. I could drive home in one piece with a whole lot more alcohol in my system.

When it was almost 4 AM, we decided that it was time to leave. We were on our way to her house when it happened. I admit I drive pretty fast, but during the wee hours of the morning, driving at such speed seems pretty commonplace. I hit the accelerator so that I could go faster, then just when we approached the curve ahead, the breaks didn’t function. I don’t know how many times I stepped on the break, but it just didn’t take. That part of the road was curved, and it can be difficult to see oncoming traffic. There was a vehicle approaching, I steered and lost control, and eventually hit a concrete post--- hard. Upon impact, the hood of my car burst into flames. Maybe it was reflex… I steered the vehicle again, even when I could not see where I was going because of all the flames and the broken windshield. And then we stopped. It all happened so fast, pieces of my life flashed in an instant. Everything was so surreal. For one moment, I entertained the possibility that it was all just a horrible dream... it had to be. When the vehicle stopped, I kept thinking of what should’ve been, what could’ve been… what stupid mistake I made, the exact point of miscalculation… what I did, what I shouldn't have done, what I should’ve done instead… if only I could turn back time and fix this huge mess. I seemed to be okay, and so was my friend, although she seemed a little dazed. Thank goodness the airbags were functioning properly, else we would’ve been seriously injured. I went out of the car, helped my friend out as she was complaining of pain in her chest. When we were at a safe distance, I went back and tried to salvage whatever I can get. I grabbed my ipod, which wasn’t really necessary since it was already busted beyond possible repair, as I’ve discovered later. My car, and my ipod… my two most priced material possessions, now gone.... just like hat. In an instant. I looked for my friend’s cellphone amidst the litters of shattered glass. I grabbed the car keys, which was pretty stupid. What would I use it for? I got blisters on my hand in the process because the fire was already at the dashboard by then. I tried to open the trunk to get some of my medical supplies stored back there, but it wouldn’t open. Trying to open the trunk manually with the keys instead of using the electronic system didn't occur to me. I tried to get more stuff, when someone shouted the car could explode any minute.

The explosion never happened. Flames just engulfed the whole car slowly. I was enveloped with immense sadness as I watched the car burn, as if a part of me has just died, as if a part of my life has just been taken away. By the time the firemen came, there was nothing left that can be salvaged. Just a heap of dust, rubber, and metal.

My friend was rushed to a nearby hospital. Save from several bruises, she was otherwise fine. As for me, I had several lacerations and abrasions. Some needed to be sutured but I just dressed the wounds. My neck hurts, which could mean a whiplash injury, but I did not go to a hospital to have x-rays done just to be sure. Pretty stupid management from someone who’s a doctor. It’s even more preposterous since I’ve rotated in trauma for 3 months, and I know how to manage such cases properly. Doctors really make the worst patients, don't they?

It was all over the news. First the morning news, then the footage was repeated on primetime. I hate those stupid camera men. I was told they wouldn’t show my face so I agreed to be interviewed. Most shots were indeed taken from my back, but some shots showed the side of my face! Plus, my name was repeated several times! The fact that I was a doctor was even emphasized! The whole day, my cellphone has been ringing non stop, I kept receiving endless text messages… I know these people are just concerned so I shouldn’t get miffed… but a lot of the calls are from people I’m not even close to. I can’t help but wonder if they are really concerned, or they just want to hear the news first hand. Calls from real friends--- that was heart warming. I couldn’t help but actually feel loved and wanted when one friend actually cried when she thought I had died that night. The breaking news that morning was vague after all, with no word on the status of the car’s passengers. Watching myself on TV was so embarrassing, I wanted to hide under a rock! The car agent called me, saying the car would be replaced since it was insured. But my dad doesn’t want to settle. He wants to sue. He said that break failure in a relatively brand new car is unheard of. Cars shouldn’t burst into flames upon impact. The fact that these things happened proves that the car was faulty in the first place. The minor problems we’ve seen in the past few months--- faulty power windows and various clicking sounds, supports this theory. Still, i don't really want to sue. It's not like they deliberately sabotaged the break system. The manufacturers couldn't have possibly predicted it would happen. No one wanted such a thing to happen. And the company was kind enough to voluntarily offer a settlement... but what the heck do I know about the country's legal system? It's a good thing the doors didn’t jam, and good thing the airbags were functioning, else we could’ve been trapped inside and burned alive.

But you know what’s disturbing? If I was driving alone, it would’ve been fine with me if everything ended that night... and I'm waaaay over my suicidal phase. I'm not thinking of taking my own life intentionally, but whether or not I've died that night, I wouldn't really care. The fact that I had a friend riding with me shook me from such apathetic self indulgence. I could never deliberately put a friend in harms way, and I could never live with the fact that a friend has been harmed as a result of something that I have done--- be it intentionally or accidentally. I would gladly give up my life for the life of a friend, especially since I have little regard for mine. If I was driving alone, and I lost the breaks, it would’ve been fine if I died upon impact, or slowly burned alive as I’m enveloped in flames, thinking about what a pathetic life this has been. There’s not much I’d like to cling to anyway… and among those few things, none of those would make me dwell on regret and dismay if I ended up losing them. Along with happiness and hope, all problems and pain would disappear in an instant. As for people talking or discovering the skeletons in my closet... let them talk, let them find out. It's not as if i'd still be able to give a damn once nothingness has reclaimed me. In just one instant, everything would go away. But with dumb luck, I’m still alive. I'll still be able to live through the coming days. As sure as the sun would still rise tomorrow, I’ll still be continuously bombarded with problems in this life.

Just my luck, I've been given a second chance at life.