Yesterday, I was quite sure my next blog entry would be entitled "The day I decided to Quit", or "Events leading to my decision to quit"... something to that effect. Yesterday, I was nearing the boiling point. Somehow, I cooled off and I've held on. I just don't know until when.
Nothing major happened. It's just that the little things piled up. I've been on duty for 5 straight days, and in each of those days, something went wrong. Day 1 was especially toxic, I never got to sit down all day. During the wee hours of the morning when everything was done, I decided to sleep for an hour before doing my morning rounds. I decided to sleep because I felt that I needed to. Predictably, I overslept. I didn't have time to dress all the wounds of our patients, so I just dressed the patients with really dirty wounds. When my senior asked me if I've dressed all the patients, I said yes because he would surely scold me again if I told the truth... and my excuse--- oversleeping, was really flimsy. It's not just flimsy, it's downright unacceptable. I didn't anticipate him asking every patient if I dressed their wounds... and since patients don't lie when it comes to their own health, my lies were exposed. i know it was entirely my fault... If I didn't oversleep... if I just did my responsibilities, it wouldn't have happened. I felt bad because I screwed up such a simple task as doing morning rounds.
Then saturday came... it was a weekend. There's few elective operations scheduled, it was relatively benign. Then just before twelve midnight, the senior resident called me asking about the professional fee of one of our consultants. Not just any consultant--- the most feared consultant in the hospital, so I understand why my senior was so agitated. Since I was on duty at the private wards that day, he told me I was the one who's supposed to collect the professional fee. I told him there was no professional fee because the patient told me that the consultant told him it was okay to defer paying the professional fee. They would just pay on their follow up check up. I confirmed this with the nurse on duty because I know the patient could be lying. The nurse said there was such an agreement, so I just told them to pay the professional fee of the anesthesiologist, then they could go home. I was dumbfounded when the senior resident told me there was no such agreement. I was to blame because I believed in hearsay. He told me I should've confirmed it with him first. And I was supposed to know that when it comes to that certain consultant, I shouldn't act on anything without informing and seeking permission from my seniors. So it was CLEARLY MY FAULT. and as for what really happened? The consultant was doing his rounds in the afternoon with one of my co-residents, and he did say it was okay for the patient to defer paying his professional fee. The nurse on duty heard him say that. But the very minute he went out of the patient's room, he told my co resident to not let that patient go home until they pay the professional fee. What a jerk. Isn't being true to your patients part of a physician's code of ethics? And I even thought he was a nice guy after all when I heard the patient say that he was willing to defer the professional fee.
The next day, thoughts were clouding my head. I couldn't seem to carry out orders properly as a result. Plus the fact that i haven't eaten anything, I haven't slept... I felt like walking zombie. In the operating room, my senior was asking for sutures that I haven't got... no one seemed to have such sutures in stock because such sutures were very rarely used. So the only option was to buy patient's needs... as usual. i really don't understand why they have to demand for specific needs when they are aware that such needs aren't provided by the hospital for the patient. I don't understand why we can't just make do with what we have. Naturally, my senior was shouting at me the whole time.
Yesterday, one senior asked me to follow up the operation schedule, then our team captain said i should just stay at the out patient department and don't go anywhere else. Since he's the more senior resident, I did what he told me. After a few hours, the other resident got mad because I didn't do what I was told. One procedure was already over and I wasn't aware of it. I hate it when those seniors keep on ordering you to do 2 things at the same time, as if i can split into 2 people when needed. Screw them.
Last night, I felt like my system was shutting down. In the evening I refused to answer any of their calls, which were surely more errands to do, or simply more scoldings. I just needed about an hour to get away from it all. i was just sitting at some semi-secluded place in the hospital. I needed a break. even a short break from them will do. Funny how they were all so nice when I finally did show up.I guess the thought of more work for them that would result if I did quit scared them.
Now I'm still ambivalent. The balance almost tipped to one side, for now status quo has remained. A big factor is my family. They keep questioning my work. if they don't tell me to quit directly, they are implying it. I rarely get to sleep, It's hard to find time to eat, I'm not able to take baths when I'm at the hospital... and I keep shelling out for patient's needs to the point that my salary is almost depleted. No food, no sleep, and no money. Where's the incentive there? It's like I'm some sort of masochist relishing the thought of torturing myself. I'm the eldest child in the family, and still I can't be independent. How could I when I still have to depend on allowance from my parents because my salary is virtually non existent? It's confusing enough when I entertain such thoughts myself, but when your own family shares the same thoughts, it seems enough to tip the scale to one side. From my perspective at this very moment, what I'm doing seems pointless. If I just didn't care about my batchmates, who'll be in perpetual duty if I quit since there's just enough first year residents per service, it would've been easier to make a decision.
