The Great Pretender

Well that felt like a huge slap on my face. the fact that it came from someone i hardly know made it even more painful. serves me right for trying to reach out. what came back at me was a little more than i can handle.


Truth is, i can see that she's nice. but i never really liked my brother's ex fiance for some weird reason. i dunno, i guess she just had a lot of eccentricities that push me the wrong way. but when my brother bailed on her four days before the wedding, i guess i felt her pain. no one deserves to be treated that way. a few days after that i sent her a short message, and when she replied... wow, that was overwhelming. basically, she read me right, she saw right through me. and i thought i was good at hiding my true feelings. She knows that the indifferent and happy go lucky, drunkard persona was just a front, and she could see all the angst i keep hidden inside. and she could tell that i was lonely, that i find it hard to talk to anyone in my family because i don't feel any sense of attachment to any of them, and she could tell that i've turned from bad to worse ever since my grandma died. Shit like that i don't even like to hear from my closest friends, and i most definitely do not want to hear crap like that from a person i only encounter casually. The truth hurts and that's why i often try to avoid it. I don't like it when people become all confrontational and shove the truth right at my face. 


But these past few weeks i have been coping. after that horrible news last march, remarkably i'm doing fine. the weekly drinking sprees help me keep my mind of things like they've always had. smoking a joint every now and then soothes my nerves too. but the thing that helps me most these days is rugby. that's right, after so many years i've started playing a sport again, and a contact sport at that. tackling people helps me relieve stress. hurting people for the sake of the sport soothes my nerves, and the fact that everyone is okay with it makes it a whole lot better. but i have to admit part of the fun lies in me getting hurt. i smile each time i get a new bruise, every time i bleed, every time my body aches. the masochist in me still rears its ugly head. i like getting hurt, because deep inside, a part of me still wants to be punished. a part of me wants to feel pain to pay for all the mistakes i have made, to pay for all the troubles i have caused on others. if i get stabbed or shot i would probably be smiling as i watch my reflection on the blood pooling on the pavement. staring at my reflection as my sight slowly grows dim, as everything around me slowly fades away. only then will i find true redemption.


my life right now may not be ideal, but i can honestly say that i'm okay with it. for the first time in years, i do not hate my routine. what i earn is more than enough for myself, and i have a lot of free time for leisure. even though i hate my job, all that free time makes it easier to compensate. as long as i do not trouble myself with the future, as long as i do not look ahead and just keep on looking at the present, i feel fine. problem is, i don't know how long this will last. sooner or later i would get tired of playing rugby, the same way i got tired of my favorite distractions in the past. sooner or later i'll be back to that destructive lifestyle wherein i have to get hammered and wasted everyday just to drown all the sorrows and anger away. for now, i am content with the present. who cares about what the future holds. as long as it remains dim, avoiding looking at it is the only way to keep myself from being insane. for now i can turn a blind eye so that my present would not be clouded by the dark visions of my future. for now i can pretend that everything is okay. though it has been proven that i may not be as great at pretending like i thought i was, for now i can still fool myself that i still am. what other choice do i have anyway.

Here's to Another Shitty Year

I hate days when i have to pretend to be thankful, when i have to pretend to be happy, when i have to pretend that everything is okay. Yup it's my birthday once again, and i'm hating every minute of it.


I hate it when people greet me a happy birthday. I know that they have the best intentions and that they mean no harm. it's customary to greet people on their birthday, it just sucks that i'm not most people and therefore they would not get the usual reaction from me. I hate because i have to respond with a half hearted thank you. I'm certainly not happy, so the exchange of greetings turn out to be so fake.


Why should i be thankful that i have reached another year in this life? nothing seems to turn out the way i planned it. Nothing seems to turn out the way that i would have wanted. To whom should i be thankful for? To my parents, for that unprotected intercourse they did eons ago which resulted to an unwanted pregnancy? should i be thankful to my mom for not going through an abortion even though the thought did go through her mind? frankly i wouldn't have mind if she went through with it. Then i wouldn't have to experience living through this stupid little life.


To whom should i be thankful for? Should i give thanks to god almighty, creator of heaven and earth? that is so laughable. Thank you for never giving me what i want. Back when i was such a devout catholic up to the point when my faith was starting to falter, you never listened. Now that i don't believe in you at all, nothing has changed. I still feel as if i'm talking to a brick wall. Back when i was so religious, i believed all the bullshit saying that you're just giving me trials to make me stronger, and you never give people trials that they can not overcome. now i know that's all hogwash. People say there is a god because of the unexplained order in the universe. My response? what fucking order???? if you know shit about science, most particles would not jive with each other, that's why chaos is more often seen in occurrence rather than order.... but if you mix particles the right way--- they would adhere to one another. there's that slim chance out of all the randomness. mix all the particles the right way, and it can create life, or create an environment conducive to life. you don't need the hand of a superior being for that. shit like that just happens by chance, not because some superior being planned it. wow, you're saying that out of nowhere, some superior being suddenly decided to create life, just snapped his fingers and voila, particles just started coming together in the right way. you guys must give me some of that shit you're smoking. that stuff must be pretty dank.


when good things happen to us, it's god's blessings and we should thank him. if bad things happen to us, hey it's just god giving us trials, and no matter how bad it is, even if our whole family were massacred, even if a nuclear bomb was dropped on out country, hey God never gives us trials we can't overcome. these trials would make us stronger! if bad things happen to good people, those are trials. If bad things happen to bad people, god is punishing them. if good things happen to good people, they are rewarded. if good things happen to bad people.... well, just wait a while. karma's a bitch and they'll never know what hit them. whatever happens, basically it's god's will. those religious nutjobs are basically saying that we can't control anything because everything that happens to us is god's will. can't they see the randomness of it all? where's the order in that? I know an overly religious woman who lost her family in a natural calamity. and i know of this corrupt politician who has lived a sweet life all his life, and he continues to do so. when will this people get what's rightfully due to them? in the fucking afterlife? the afterlife that every religion has a different interpretation of? You have got to be kidding me.


I'm not getting matched to a residency position because i fucked up on my exams. I was overconfident, i didn't study hard, simple as that. It's not because it's god's will, it's not because he's just giving me trials. I fucked up, and it was my fault. I'm the one whose to blame. And if by some miracle that i matched to a position, it's because of the help of my friends and not because God wanted it. All of the religious undertones that some people put in everything just pisses me off. So i wish all those people would shut up when they say that God has other plans for me. There is no fucking God. Whatever shit i find myself in, it's all my fault. if it's not, then it's because of pure dumb luck. something random, it's not something that some divine entity planned. So who do i have to thank for this stupid little life? I only have myself to thank for it, thank you fucking much. I know some people have it worse than me, but the point is, i'm not living the life i want. because i fucked up, that's why i can't. Some would say i should be thankful for what i have, because a lot of people have close to nothing. a lot of people would love to trade places with me. But why would they? because they're not living the life they want right? We may be living different lives, experiencing different hardships, but we still all feel the same way.


Happy fucking birthday to me. Here's to another shitty year. More of the same crap, recycled over and over again. I wonder if i'll ever see the day when i would be truly be happy on this fucking day. With my dumb luck, that seems highly unlikely. It really fucking sucks to be me.

Disposable

I rarely get attached to people. I guess in a way, that's sort of a blessing. i wouldn't long for anyone. i wouldn't miss someone. i wouldn't die out of loneliness if ever i get marooned on a deserted isle somewhere. now that my grandmother's gone, i can't really think of any person that i would miss if ever i went away. sure i enjoy the company of different people, and there are a few select friends that i keep going out with because we get along so well, and quite a few that i trust with every thing about me, a few that i could even trust with my life--- but besides the need for pleasant distractions, i don't really depend on anyone for emotional suppport. there's just no need. i can live alone without the complications of complex human interactions. a downside to this is the fact that i tire of people easily. this is the main reason why none of my relationships last for a long time--- after a couple of months, i grow tired of them. many times, after sharing an intimate moment, i can easily discard women, like some piece of junk that i no longer have use for. On one hand, this is good for me. It means i'm independent. I can stand alone. but on the other hand, it doesn't make for a very good impression to other people. i mean, basically i'm saying that friends and people are disposable and easily replaced for me... and that makes me look like some sort of a prick.


Friends--- they come and go. Although i can name several people that i am really close to, several people that i have poured my heart and soul a couple of times before, i never really felt that need for constant companionship with them. I could go on for months, heck probably even several years without any form of communication with them and i won't even miss them. truth is, they're the ones who keep the flow of communication going, saying hi every now and then, whenever weeks or months have passed by without talking. I may feel the need to reach out to a fellow human being, but i don't need to keep the people i reach out to constant--- why would i, when there are people practically anywhere. and most certainly i would eventually get to have a couple of new friends. maybe the relationships that i would form with those new people wouldn't be as deep as the relationships i've formed before... but so what? i'm not looking for anything complex or deep. a superficial relationship, one that involves just hanging out and doing stupid, funny stuff would suffice for me. i'm not really fond of pouring my heart out to other people anyway. I'm more comfortable in keeping such thoughts to myself, or just ranting in an anonymous blog like this one whenever i feel the need to put my thoughts into words. I'd much rather be alone with my thoughts and let all those feelings pass, instead of pulling another individual into the abyss that i'm in. people already have a lot of things to deal with, they don't need to worry about my problems. and besides, the thoughts going through my head are too dark and complex anyway. most people wouldn't really understand.


Yes, to me friends are easily disposable. no matter how long i've known them, no matter how much i've shared with them, no matter how strong the bond that we had was... i can easily set them aside. yeah that makes me a prick. that makes me some sort of an asshole. but what the heck can i do? that's how i am, it's not how i chose to be. about two months ago i've decided to keep away form certain friends. my gay friends, including those that i'm only suspecting to be gay. I chose to avoid them, like a plague. just like that, all of a sudden, no apparent reason. i don't think they realize that i'm avoiding them. it's easy to make excuses that i'm busy with work because i do have work--- i've been doing more work lately compared to the past couple of years. and it's easy to say i already have plans because i am seeing someone regularly. it's not a relationship, i'm just going through the motions, but it does offer  a convenient excuse. one person though seemed to have realized something was wrong, because we used to hang out a lot often, now it's been months since we've last seen each other. three of those gay folks are my closest friends. i know, how the heck could a guy like me have so many gay friends. and i'm not even counting those gay friends that i am not close to.  i dunno, it just happened. the fact that the medical field seems to attract a lot of people whose sexual orientations are questionable doesn't seem to be helping. truth be told, i haven't met many straight guy friends in med school. a lot of em profess they're straight, but they act so effeminate and they like too many girly stuff, i have to keep myself from laughing out loud every time they talk about girls and shit. the fact that we found  a few of them keeping gay porn materials wouldn't be of much help to their cause, but hey i'm friends with them. whenever people ask if they're gay or whenever they ask me why do i hang out with such people, i tell them my friends aren't gay even if i know they are. and jesus, it's not like one can actively screen the people they become friends with can they? friendship is like love. you don't choose whom you fall in love with. it's something that just happens.


People have ask me a lot of time why i hang out with them. i don't find the term fag stag endearing. and i have accepted the fact that people would assume i'm gay as well when i keep hanging out with them. i've just learned to ignore that through the years. i know i can't hook up with someone when i'm with them, and there's no use making a move on anyone. i'm with them just to hang out, i'm not looking to get laid, so why should i care what other people think? especially people i don't even know? that's my way of thinking for the past couple of years. that's why i don't really know what happened. why the sudden change? i'm sure as hell not embarrassed when people see me with them. until now, i still don't care what other people think. what changed is something inside me. the fact that they talk about a lot of things that i couldn't relate to is one thing. i've been annoyed by that fact ever since. whenever they talk about boys or put the gay speak on overdrive, i feel like i'm being shut out. and frankly, i find some of the stuff they talk about downright disgusting, i just choose to be quiet about em. the fact that some of them could be wanting more than friendship isn't even an issue. as long as they keep their hands off then it's a none issue. if something happened due to alcohol intoxication, if they have been really good friends i could also get over that after a couple of months. heck, i've done a lot of stupid things when i'm drunk, i can't possibly hold other people accountable for their actions when they are under the influence without sounding like a hypocrite.... so that's also a non issue. maybe it's the fact that i've been hanging out with alpha male types for the past couple of months have something to do with it. we have conversations where i never feel shut out. I feel really part of the group, i never feel like an outsider. we share the same interests, and i can talk to them about things only straight males can understand.  after such a long time, I feel like being part of a pack again. I feel like such an ass for feeling this way, but as of this moment, i don't really feel the need to reach out to my gay friends ever again. maybe this is only temporary, i don't really know. I can't just throw all those years of friendship away of course. i can still go out with them, i can still talk to them. I would still call them friends. but it can't be more than that. it can no longer have any deeper meaning. maybe i'm just not meant to hang out with people like them because they are so different. i can get along with them, but it could only remain on a superficial level. instinctively, we seek out people who think the same way we do, and it just took me years to realize that. or maybe and more probably, as i have concluded earlier, i am just basically nothing more than an ass.

Hello

Well hello there blogger. it's been a long time old buddy. You've probably been wondering where i've been, what I've been doing. Heck, the thought that i have finally committed suicide had probably crossed your mind. Not to worry, old pal. I'm feeling real good actually. You notice how i often turn to you whenever i'm feeling down or really angry?  you notice how i always turn to you when all the world seemed so fucked up? That has been your main purpose, old friend. You serve as my outlet for all those turbulent emotions. I turn to you because you're the only one who would listen without any sort of prejudice. I guess you figured it out somewhat, and you should be happy for me. If i have been silent for a long time, that means things are finally going my way. It's one of those rare instances that i have the courage to be optimistic. So yeah i'm home again, and yeah just like before i feel shitty. Who wouldn't feel this way, coming back to the shit hole that any sane person would want to stay away from? but alas, this shit hole is the place i call home, but if things go as planned this time, i wouldn't be calling this place home any longer. I can finally leave this place for good--- all those painful memories, all those places that i've grown to hate, and all those people who continue to disappoint me. I gave it another shot, and i feel really optimistic this time, and i have my friends to thank for that. True, it wouldn't be the life that i really wanted, but it will be a life that is so much better than the one i have now. And my future would be brighter than any future that i could have staying here at home.



The problem with being optimistic? well i guess i would feel worse when things don't go exactly as planned. But that's still a few weeks from now. For now, i'd continue to live my life, smiling as the world around me watches me passing by. I just hope that several weeks from now, i wouldn't have to turn to you for comfort again.... and the longer i stay silent, the more you should be happy for me. We have shared great times together, you and I.... but in all those times, i was at my worst, and i'd hate to see myself in those situations again.  But if ever i find myself wallowing in desperation again, i know you'll be here at this exact same place. I can trust you, i can depend on you. And in some fucked up way, you're the only one who truly understands. That's why you're the one who'll be with me until the very end.