To Be Thankful

We've always celebrated Thanksgiving. And from where I'm from, people would always give me a weird look whenever I told them that. I'd be weirded out too if someone told me they celebrated Thanksgiving in a place where no one else did. We weren't living in the USA after all, and we weren't expats either. It's just one of the many quirks of my grandparents... one of their many quirks that i've grown to love. People would ask me why we celebrated Thanksgiving, and I couldn't give them a straight answer. Truth be told, I couldn't even give a straight answer to this day. My grandparents just wanted to celebrate the occasion. They probably just have a lot to be thankful for. And I looked forward to that single day every year wherein we would have a Turkey dinner. It felt a lot like Christmas, only more simple and intimate, free from all that sentimental fluff. It was just us having dinner, and no one else. Thanksgiving was one of those rare occasions that i've felt that we were one family... that I was a part of a family. It was a yearly tradition... until last year. I was far from home this time last year, and when I asked my grandparents why they didn't celebrate Thanksgiving, they told me it was because our family wasn't complete. I found that surprising. That wasn't the first Thanksgiving that I've missed. I had to work at the hospital two years prior to that and still they had a Turkey dinner without me. They told me it was different because I was far from home. And when I'm thousands of miles away, it just wouldn't be the same. That still didn't sound logical to me... I was actually a bit irritated as they were telling me that... yet I agreed. There's no use arguing with my grandparents when they were in one of their cloyingly sentimental moods. I joined some other family for Thanksgiving, and that felt surreal. Unlike Christmas wherein i've grown tired of all the familiarity, the familiarity of Thanksgiving was something i could never grow tired of. And without that familiarity, it just wasn't the same.

I guess you could say that I have a lot to be thankful for in my life. But when it comes to the events that have transpired this year, I couldn't think of anything that I should be thankful for. Almost eleven months in, the year 2010 has brought me nothing but anger and sadness... disappointment and despair. Both of my grandparents are gone now. Thanksgiving would never be the same without them. Looking back only brings me grief, and it would be easier if there's something to look forward to... but the future only seems as bleak. All those rejection letters only serve to bring me down... as if I need further confirmation that I've grown to be such a failure. Thanksgiving has lost its essence for me. Now, it's just turkey dinner, devoid of all its deeper meaning. The people who have introduced me to this tradition are gone now, and there's no use of continuing this annual tradition when i do not share the same thoughts and feelings as theirs. The road that they have travelled is a different one, and it's not as bleak as mine. As I look ahead from where I am standing now, there's absolutely nothing to be thankful for. The future brings me as much grief as the past, and seems even more bleak as the present. My life is still the mess that it has been for the past couple of years. This isn't something that I should be thankful for.