One Shot

I've just made a very huge gamble, and the stakes are so high. If I've made the wrong decision, I would be left with nothing. There is no second chance. I will lose EVERYTHING.

I finally bought a plane ticket. I've been flip flopping for weeks. It was all systems go a few months back. But things were so much different back then. Back then, we had no problems with money. Back then, all I needed to worry about was to pass all the exams and submit all the required documents before the deadline. It's funny. Just when I have finished all the exams and all I need to do is to apply for residency training, this comes up. To others, I may be very close to the finish line, but to me, I've never felt so far from it.

I was thinking about giving everything up. Application for residency training is a gamble in itself. There's a hug chance that you won't get accepted in any training program. Others would just shrug it off and just try again next year. But I just can't afford to do that---figuratively and literally. I would most probably spend every cent that I have. It won't really matter if I manage to get a job. I'd be able to get back every penny that I would have spent in a matter of months. And I'd be away from all the pain that this place has been continuously causing me. But if I don't get a job... I will be left with nothing. I won't get a second chance. If I chose to let go of the plans that I have made, I would still have a fair amount of money. I could use that money for other things. Things that are tangible. Things that are necessary. I could get a job here even if I can't stand this place. Even if this place is slowly chipping away whatever's left of my sanity. I would most probably be miserable, but not as miserable as i would be if I am stuck here and broke at the same time. Nothing could be worse than that. Not even hell.

I paid for my plane ticket using the money in the joint account that my grandma shared with me. It was barely enough. Money was siphoned off that account at such a rapid rate these past few months that there wasn't much left. I didn't want to withdraw any more money from that account. It's one of the few tangible things that I have left of my grandmother, and I wanted it to last for as long as possible. It represented all the hard work that she had done all those years, and I didn't want to let go of it just like that. But I don't have much choice now, do I? The next day my father asked me to write him a check again, this time for insurance. I told him there was no more money left. Of course I lied. There were still a few thousands left, but whatever's left isn't even half of the amount that he's asking for. And i didn't want to give him all that was left. i wanted to keep the account open for a little more time. He has already taken a lot, and i think it was about time that I said enough. Let him find the means to make ends meet. He's been digging that grave for himself his whole life, let him figure out a way to crawl out of it, instead of bringing us all down with him.

So now all i need to do is wait. This is possibly the biggest gamble that I have made in my life. If things turn out right, I'd get everything that I wanted. I can finally go away. I can finally be free. On the other hand, there's a huge possibility that I could also lose everything. But I would never know unless I tried, right? I still have this one chance, and although my common sense gives me enough reason to be apprehensive, I still have to give it a shot. There's a very huge risk, but there's also a huge chance that I can make it. I might as well grab the opportunity because I may never get an opportunity like this again. I wouldn't want to be stuck in this miserable place, doing some miserable job, wondering what could have been. I have thrown all caution to the wind, and now I'm just hoping for the best. My life has been one hell of a mess these past few years. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, and I hope that this time, things would turn out just the way I've planned. I've been from one torrential storm after another. Instead of trying to bring me down, it's about time that life finally gave me a break.