To Be Thankful

We've always celebrated Thanksgiving. And from where I'm from, people would always give me a weird look whenever I told them that. I'd be weirded out too if someone told me they celebrated Thanksgiving in a place where no one else did. We weren't living in the USA after all, and we weren't expats either. It's just one of the many quirks of my grandparents... one of their many quirks that i've grown to love. People would ask me why we celebrated Thanksgiving, and I couldn't give them a straight answer. Truth be told, I couldn't even give a straight answer to this day. My grandparents just wanted to celebrate the occasion. They probably just have a lot to be thankful for. And I looked forward to that single day every year wherein we would have a Turkey dinner. It felt a lot like Christmas, only more simple and intimate, free from all that sentimental fluff. It was just us having dinner, and no one else. Thanksgiving was one of those rare occasions that i've felt that we were one family... that I was a part of a family. It was a yearly tradition... until last year. I was far from home this time last year, and when I asked my grandparents why they didn't celebrate Thanksgiving, they told me it was because our family wasn't complete. I found that surprising. That wasn't the first Thanksgiving that I've missed. I had to work at the hospital two years prior to that and still they had a Turkey dinner without me. They told me it was different because I was far from home. And when I'm thousands of miles away, it just wouldn't be the same. That still didn't sound logical to me... I was actually a bit irritated as they were telling me that... yet I agreed. There's no use arguing with my grandparents when they were in one of their cloyingly sentimental moods. I joined some other family for Thanksgiving, and that felt surreal. Unlike Christmas wherein i've grown tired of all the familiarity, the familiarity of Thanksgiving was something i could never grow tired of. And without that familiarity, it just wasn't the same.

I guess you could say that I have a lot to be thankful for in my life. But when it comes to the events that have transpired this year, I couldn't think of anything that I should be thankful for. Almost eleven months in, the year 2010 has brought me nothing but anger and sadness... disappointment and despair. Both of my grandparents are gone now. Thanksgiving would never be the same without them. Looking back only brings me grief, and it would be easier if there's something to look forward to... but the future only seems as bleak. All those rejection letters only serve to bring me down... as if I need further confirmation that I've grown to be such a failure. Thanksgiving has lost its essence for me. Now, it's just turkey dinner, devoid of all its deeper meaning. The people who have introduced me to this tradition are gone now, and there's no use of continuing this annual tradition when i do not share the same thoughts and feelings as theirs. The road that they have travelled is a different one, and it's not as bleak as mine. As I look ahead from where I am standing now, there's absolutely nothing to be thankful for. The future brings me as much grief as the past, and seems even more bleak as the present. My life is still the mess that it has been for the past couple of years. This isn't something that I should be thankful for.

One Shot

I've just made a very huge gamble, and the stakes are so high. If I've made the wrong decision, I would be left with nothing. There is no second chance. I will lose EVERYTHING.

I finally bought a plane ticket. I've been flip flopping for weeks. It was all systems go a few months back. But things were so much different back then. Back then, we had no problems with money. Back then, all I needed to worry about was to pass all the exams and submit all the required documents before the deadline. It's funny. Just when I have finished all the exams and all I need to do is to apply for residency training, this comes up. To others, I may be very close to the finish line, but to me, I've never felt so far from it.

I was thinking about giving everything up. Application for residency training is a gamble in itself. There's a hug chance that you won't get accepted in any training program. Others would just shrug it off and just try again next year. But I just can't afford to do that---figuratively and literally. I would most probably spend every cent that I have. It won't really matter if I manage to get a job. I'd be able to get back every penny that I would have spent in a matter of months. And I'd be away from all the pain that this place has been continuously causing me. But if I don't get a job... I will be left with nothing. I won't get a second chance. If I chose to let go of the plans that I have made, I would still have a fair amount of money. I could use that money for other things. Things that are tangible. Things that are necessary. I could get a job here even if I can't stand this place. Even if this place is slowly chipping away whatever's left of my sanity. I would most probably be miserable, but not as miserable as i would be if I am stuck here and broke at the same time. Nothing could be worse than that. Not even hell.

I paid for my plane ticket using the money in the joint account that my grandma shared with me. It was barely enough. Money was siphoned off that account at such a rapid rate these past few months that there wasn't much left. I didn't want to withdraw any more money from that account. It's one of the few tangible things that I have left of my grandmother, and I wanted it to last for as long as possible. It represented all the hard work that she had done all those years, and I didn't want to let go of it just like that. But I don't have much choice now, do I? The next day my father asked me to write him a check again, this time for insurance. I told him there was no more money left. Of course I lied. There were still a few thousands left, but whatever's left isn't even half of the amount that he's asking for. And i didn't want to give him all that was left. i wanted to keep the account open for a little more time. He has already taken a lot, and i think it was about time that I said enough. Let him find the means to make ends meet. He's been digging that grave for himself his whole life, let him figure out a way to crawl out of it, instead of bringing us all down with him.

So now all i need to do is wait. This is possibly the biggest gamble that I have made in my life. If things turn out right, I'd get everything that I wanted. I can finally go away. I can finally be free. On the other hand, there's a huge possibility that I could also lose everything. But I would never know unless I tried, right? I still have this one chance, and although my common sense gives me enough reason to be apprehensive, I still have to give it a shot. There's a very huge risk, but there's also a huge chance that I can make it. I might as well grab the opportunity because I may never get an opportunity like this again. I wouldn't want to be stuck in this miserable place, doing some miserable job, wondering what could have been. I have thrown all caution to the wind, and now I'm just hoping for the best. My life has been one hell of a mess these past few years. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, and I hope that this time, things would turn out just the way I've planned. I've been from one torrential storm after another. Instead of trying to bring me down, it's about time that life finally gave me a break.