All That We Leave Behind

Ten days and i'll be out of here. Ten days and I'll be leaving. Sure, it's only for a couple of months, but when I purchased my plane ticket last week, i just couldn't keep that smile off my face. Staying here has been draining for me, both emotionally and physically. Even my own health seems to agree with me. I've been having these coughing spells for months now, ever since i got back. And when I went to the province for a vacation a few weeks ago, it seemed that I was miraculously cured. As soon as I got back to the city, I started coughing again. As soon as that happened, I couldn't help but laugh. Staying here is not just bad for my emotional well being, it's also bad for my health as well. If that doesn't vindicate my decision for leaving, then nothing will. I want to leave because there's absolutely nothing for me here. As the future looms closer, I see that opportunity for change. And the happiness that continues to evade me is finally within reach. I was soaring on an emotional high, and it seemed that nothing could bring me down... but the turn of events these past couple of hours slowly brought me down.

After almost a month in the hospital, we finally brought our grandmother home. I've been writing about her health concerns for years now, and bringing her to the hospital has become habitual already, that I've grown weary of writing about it. I would only be saying the same things again and again, anything I would write would only look redundant. Bringing her to the hospital and having her confined to the ICU has become an almost monthly thing. After a few weeks, she'd be well again. But since she's inherently a stubborn patient, we'd have to bring her back to the hospital again. Then she would swear that she would obey the doctor's orders, but we all knew that she probably wouldn't. And the cycle would repeat itself again and again. We've all become so used to the cycle that emotionally, we have all become complacent. We knew what to expect, and we knew that everything will be all right. We have become so used to the cycle, that any other outcome seemed highly improbable. We knew that eventually her heart is going to give in, and no amount of medications can make her well again, but as of now, such an occurrence seemed highly unlikely, at least in the near future.

I woke up this afternoon just in time to see her being brought to her bedroom. When i first laid eyes on her, I could see that she didn't look well. Whereas before she looked fine when she was brought back home, this time she didn't. If she was my patient, i wouldn't send her back home. Before, she would always be active when she got home. She talked a lot, she could walk on her own, and she would always smile. Now she was just quiet, and obviously still in respiratory distress. She can't even stand up on her own anymore. And she can't lie down on her bed. The edema on both her legs immediately returned after a few hours, whereas before, it took days. She can't tolerate breathing without oxygen support, she couldn't eat anything without vomiting right after, and she couldn't seem to sleep even if she's obviously very sleepy. When I talk to her, a times she would answer but it just wouldn't make any sense. She didn't seem well at all.

A few hours ago I just sat beside her as she tried to sleep on her chair. That was how my grandfather was a few months ago. That was exactly how i sat beside my grandfather during the last few days of his life. And as I looked at her face I just couldn't hold back the tears. There was a continuous rush of memories, and i didn't have the strength to keep it all in. She was obviously awake, yet she didn't seem to be aware that i was crying beside her. I was making a lot of noise, yet she only remained still. That made me break down even more.

I hate almost everything about this place. that's one reason why I want to leave. Another reason was to finally be independent. I told her a few months back that it would take years as a doctor in this country before I can finally be able to support myself. I didn't want to be like my dad who still relies on her financially until now. I also want to be able to give back something to her somehow, and I just couldn't do that if I choose to stay here. Everything I am now, I owe to her. If I stay here, i would depend on her until the last days of her life, and I feel that need to give back something, no matter how small, no matter how seemingly insignificant, so that I wouldn't look like a failure to her. I wanted to be someone she can be proud of.

The day before we brought her to the hospital, a mass was held in memory of my grandfather. After mass, there was a small gathering in our house, and she called me and introduced me to some of her guests. Apparently, they were talking about me, and everyone kept saying that she was telling them that i was the grandchild she was most proud of. That was when I realized that I didn't really have to do anything in return. For some reason, she was already proud of the way i turned out. I feel like such a failure, but to her, I was far from being one. I just wish i could be something more. i wish that she could see the man that i would become a few years from now. i wish that she would live to see the day when i am finally someone who is proud of himself. But with her present condition, it would take a miracle for that to happen. She might not even be around anymore when i get back after a couple of months. But that's the reality of life, I guess. The ideal never happens. Things never really turn out the way we want them to. In our pursuit of our dreams, we can't take everything with us. Bringing too much would only slow us down, taking too much can even make such pursuits impossible. We have to choose which ones to take, and we have to let go of certain things. But all that I am now, i owe to her. I am pursuing my dreams because of her. She's not someone that I can easily leave behind.

When it comes to her, I just couldn't possibly let go.