The Same Sordid Ordeal

During my pre-residency training, one first year resident told me that the hardest thing about being a first year resident isn't the inhuman work load, it not even the unphysiologic schedule... it's pretending you're afraid when you have nothing to be afraid of. i didn't understand what he was talking about then, but i understand it now. I've just had about it with some of my senior residents. It's funny how everytime I do my "walk out", they think it's because I'm afraid to face my seniors because of something I've done or failed to do. yeesh. I walk out to keep my cool-- to keep myself from shouting back at those assholes. I'm tired of pretending to be afraid of people who have nothing to be proud of. It's hard to pretend you're afraid of those people, or even pretend you respect them when you know deep inside that the image they project, or at least the image they try to project, is all for show. In reality, they're nothing but losers.



Take this big, fat, stinky, balding ogre who tries to projects himself as a senior resident. It's common knowledge that he was such a lousy resident when he was in first year. With the way he treats us, with the way he points out our mistakes, you'd think he won the Mr. Perfect Resident Award. He keeps on shouting and making uncalled for comments--- he's trying to be the Terror resident that all juniors are afraid of. Yeesh. What wishful thinking. and As if the terror approach still works these days. Why do that approach when you can get the same results by talking to your juniors in a civilized manner? For me at least,I perform better when it's the nice seniors who ask me to do errands. When they get mad, my conscience keeps on bothering me. I mean, these are good people, how can I have the heart not to perform well for them? And when those "terror" residents get mad? i couldn't care less. I wish they'd have a heart attack with all that anger that they release when i fuck up. Who cares if they shout at me? What they say goes out my other ear anyway. And there's a wicked pleasure when they get pissed off when I mess things up. Most of the time, I do it on purpose. I mean, If I can't shout expletives at them outright, the best way to get revenge is to do it discreetly... fuck things up so that they'll get so pissed. And when i foul things up, the consultants don't get mad at me anyway--- they get mad at those seniors. Sweet! That fat bastard seems to be noticing my game plan though. He asked several seniors and they all say I perform well. He then wondered why I always seem to foul things up when he's the one asking me to do errands. I guess he'll have to be such a dumb ass not to figure it out eventually. Treat me with respect, then I'll give you respect. Treat me like shit then I'll treat you like shit. Seniority doesn't give anyone the authority to treat others like they're not people. That fat bastard would never be the terror resident he's trying to be. poor bastard. TO instill fear in your subordinates, you have to have some form of authority. To have authority, you have to have something that they'll want to emulate, you have to be someone worth idolizing. FAT, BALDING, STINKY, LAZY. Nope, there's nothing I'll want to emulate there. To have authority, at least you have to gain respect of your juniors. I'll say it again... FAT, BALDING, STINKY, LAZY. nope, there's nothing to respect there either.

Several days ago, I wanted to shout back at him, then quit afterwards. Again, he shouted at me through the phone--- because the case that he was supposed to operate on got deferred. I mean, why shout at me? The patient's hemoglobin was 50, waaaaay below the normal level, and she had ongoing blood loss. Would any sane person want to go ahead and operate such a high risk person? I told him I asked our team captain if i can bring the next patient up and bring that patient down instead until she was stable.The asshole said it's HIS case, why do I keep on saying our team captain's name. D'oh. Hey fatso, you're not team captain yet, you have less authority! stupid!!!! wait til next year when you become team captain! then he said he waited all night for that case to be brought up to the operating room. LIAR! I know for a fact that he went home then fell asleep like an elephant, that's why he wasn't answering his phone when i was trying to call him! He then said I never called him. Often he tells me to throw away my phone when I fail to answer his calls (I say i didn't hear the phone ring... truth is,I do it on purpose. haha.). I would have loved to say that back at him. I'll never throw away my phone though... it might be more than two years old, but it still looks more expensive than his whole damned life.

so.. what stopped me from quitting that time? the thought that such a loser would make me quit would make me seem like a bigger loser. I should have a valid reason. This career isn't worth sacrificing just so one fat ogre would get the last laugh. I can't let him cherish the thought that he made a resident quit. Such losers in life don't deserve such honor. They don't deserve to feel like winners even for one single moment in this lifetime.