My Fickle Mind

First of all, tell me... has anyone seen a person as ugly as the one pictured above? It won't matter much if he at least had a good soul, but his attitude is just as bad as his looks. Plus he stinks like hell, even if he just took a bath.

It's the second day since I've gone AWOL (Absence Without Official Leave). I've not doing much. I'm not outside partying, I'm just staying in my room most of the time. i've heard that fatso has been spreading the news that he WAS the one who made me quit, and he's so happy while he's telling the news, as if being responsible for making someone quit his job is something to be proud of. What a BIG, FAT, prick. He must think I quit because I'm afraid of him. hah! nothing could be further from the truth. I kept rejecting his calls yesterday morning.He then sent a message that I should have a good reason for dropping his calls. lol. if i was afraid of his big fat stinky ass, I wouldn't have dared drop his calls. Truth is, I wanted to answer his calls and tell him what i thought of him... but then it would take me days just enumerating his faults. Actually, I decided to quit just out keep out of trouble. At this state, any confrontation with him would lead to shouting expletives at each other, most probably even exchanging punches. That would've made great news--- a first year who exchanged punches with his senior. I'm no rebel... I respect most of my seniors, and it's okay from them to shout at me. I know they have valid reasons for being pissed. But this fatso--- it would've been okay for him to go on power tripping like that, making everyone feel how he's so superior to everyone else, if he was REALLY SUPERIOR. He sucks as a senior. Always late, sleeps all the time, and the other seniors keep covering his BIG FAT ASS. How great it would be to squeal on him. And we all know how lousy he was as a first year resident.

I didn't quit because it was toxic. I've been through so much worse. And I don't mind having truckloads of work dumped on me. I'm used to obey seniors, i can be submissive, and I respect authority. There are very few times when I feel the need to stand up and defend my rights, and at those instances, i feel that I'm the one who's right. There's a difference when seniors tell you to do stuff because those are things that really need to be done... in the case of fatso here, who's so power hungry, he throws orders in such a way that would make him feel so powerful, and us juniors feel like shit.

Even when it was incredibly toxic when I was rotating in trauma, i didn't really mind the workload because I had such supportive seniors. When I talk to them, I feel like I'm talking to actual human beings. In contrast, even if there's minimal workload, it feels as if you have a huge burden to carry if your seniors are ass wipes. I'd be content not seeing that ugly face for the rest of my life.

I didn't quit because I'm afraid of anyone. if I don't speak up when I'm being scolded, that simply means I respect that person. If I have no respect fro him or her, then I'm trying very hard not to answer back. I'm not afraid of anyone.

It was my sane mind that made me reach this decision. If I stayed, it was inevitable that there'd be a commotion. A confrontation cannot be avoided, not at this late stage.

But after 2 days away from it all, it seems that I actually miss having 0-2 hours of sleep a day...

I miss not taking a bath, not brushing my teeth... I'm not used to being clean anymore!

I miss shelling out for patients, because I'm helping our less fortunate brothers and sisters after all...

I miss the adrenaline rush i get whenever there are emergency cases...

I miss the hospital, with its limited supplies, its 8 elevators--- 6 of which are currently non functioning, so there's a delay in bringing those emergency cases to the operating room...


I miss the smile I get from my patients, even if I'm just passing by... I miss those thank yous I get even if I think I haven't helped them at all...

I miss my co- first year residents, who's schedules have surely become more hectic because the work allotted for me has been dumped on them... damn this stupid conscience!

I miss their company because in a span of a few months, I've found some real friends in them...

I guess I miss having something to do, something to keep my mind off things...

And now i'm thinking of going back.


Christ.


i must be out of my mind.