Worst Birthday Ever

Last week, I've had the worst birthday ever. It must be dumb luck, but I've never spent my birthday while on duty at the hospital. And with my current schedule of being on duty on for three straight days then having one day off, it's a miracle that my birthday fell on the day I can go home. For several years now, I don't really see the reason why I should celebrate my birthday. There's the obligatory lunch or dinner with close friends, something I do look forward to, especially if friends that I seldom see are expected to come... but beyond that, there's really nothing extraordinary about birthdays. Like Christmas, the magic has long gone. Birthdays seem so special when I was little.

Anyway, I was really glad when I found out that I can go home on my birthday. I didn't want to celebrate as usual... I just wanted to rest. Rest would be the best birthday gift that i could receive, just one day away from all the toxic work in the hospital. And the last three days prior to my birthday was incredibly tiring. From the emergency room, to the operating room, to the wards--- i was completely worn out. To add insult to injury, besides having to deal with all the work, my senior residents kept scolding and nagging me, almost non stop. i really needed a break! i had to recharge! but guess what? that didn't happen. There's this annoying senior resident that I really despise. She's only on her third year in residency training, yet she feels as if she's one hell of a surgeon already. She always points out our mistakes as if she's so perfect, that motor mouth of hers running non stop. In truth, she's not that good in surgery. Female surgeons are mostly bitchy, probably to compensate for their lack of balls, to create the impression that they can live in a world dominated by men (the department of surgery)... but this resident is extraordinarily bitchy and annoying, I'd always try to control myself from mutilating that darned mouth. First thing in the morning that mouth started running again, about me not being able to do this and that, about me being slow, blah blah blah. And she eve threatened me that I won't be able to go home because I wasn't able to do certain things. That really pissed me off. She does not have the authority to keep me from going home. I was looking forward to going home for days! And It was my birthday for Christ's sake! I told her to watch me go home later. The look on her face was priceless.

Then I had to assist in a long operation. I missed lunch. By the time I got out of the operating room, it was already 6 PM and I still had a lot to do in the wards. So much for being able to go home early. Maybe I would have received better treatment if i told them it was my birthday? I doubt it. I'm sure I'd still be given the same amount of work, and I have to treat these people with lunch or dinner, some of them I'm not even close to. Some of them i really hate, that I cringe at the thought of spending my hard earned money for them.

managed to go home by 9 PM. I thought I'd invite a few people, though I doubted if anyone would show up because it was such a last minute invite, and a lot of my friends' houses are far from mine. No hard feelings if they don't show up... A few did show up, and I really appreciated their efforts. did manage to smile genuinely. My birthday this year is my wost birthday ever, but it wasn't all gloom, thanks to my friends. They've managed to keep me sane. All I needed was to talk to normal people to shake me back into reality.

Wrong Impression

I felt really bad yesterday. I can't help but feel bad whenever someone sees me as a person I'm not. And I hate it when people judge you based on their first impressions, and when they remember you for that single time you fucked up, and completely disregard all the good that you've done.

More than a month ago, i made that fatal mistake of dozing off while assisting in a consultant's operation. I couldn't help it. I knew that falling asleep would be something I'd regret, knowing that he's one of the consultants that everyone seemed to be afraid of... but when you've had no sleep for days, there's no way you'd fail to succumb to sleep the very moment you stay still, just holding several retractors when we play the role of the second assistant, with no grossly active participation.He sent me out of the room. Two days ago I wanted to redeem myself, and I failed again. I succumbed to sleep, and I almost lost my balance. Good thing he didn't send me out of the operating room that time. Yesterday, I was made a promise to myself that i would do good. I would stay awake and alert no matter what. I never thought that the time when I finally stayed awake would turn out to be a worse experience compared to the previous ones.

He kept on accusing me of dozing off even though I was wide awake. I wondered why... Out of curiosity, to test a theory--- I took a picture of myself with my head bent, and what do you know... my eyes really seemed close even if they were open! Hey, I can't help it if I had longer than normal eyelashes! Made me wish I just slept again, since there seemed to be no difference between staying awake and sleeping--- he's still think I was sleeping. What really pissed me off was the never ending jabs and comments about my personality. Those words really hurt. When the anesthesiologist asked me why I chose to take up surgery in residency, I told him I found surgery interesting. Then this big oaf of a consultant shouted "interesting? who would believe you find surgery interesting when you keep on falling asleep?!" He does have a point there. It really seems ironic to fall asleep when you're doing something you find interesting. Then just because I was hesitant in moving the retractors he said he's sure I was one of those pampered rich brats, who have servants to attend to their every need, that's' why I don't know how to assist or serve other people. And he's so sure I'm one of those, he said e can recognize those types of people, being a consultant for so long. I guess being a consultant for ages has rotted his way of thinking. How can being hesitant in assisting mean I'm a spoiled brat?! I'm hesitant because I'm afraid he may not approve of where I place those retractors! And I find it really insulting because I'm not one of those people, even if I can be one if I chose to! My father, my siblings--- they kept on asking our helpers in the house to do errands for them, even ask them to do simple and trivial things. As long as I can do things on my own, i do it. I don't ask for any one's help unless I really need to. I'm not that type of person, that's why it pisses me off when I hear people thinking I am what. Based on what? On my appearance? Can anyone be more narrow minded?! Then he kept mocking me, calling me your majesty, your highness and such. He then made a comment, its a shame only rich kids apply for residency in PGH these days, now PGH is full of brats who don't know how to serve. Give me a break. Just because someone isn't poor that doesn't mean he can't serve nor does that mean he has no compassion. Besides, with all the money we spend for patient's needs, no poor doctor can afford to take up residency in PGH!

But what really got me into a pensive mood was his final jab. He asked me why I didn't answer the anesthesiologist immediately when he asked me what it is in surgery do I find interesting. I told him I was thinking of a good answer. He said if I have to think of a good answer, then he seriously doubts that I find surgery interesting. if I don't find it interesting, what was I still doing here? If I'm just pretending to like what I'm doing, then I'd better quit early on.

He does have a point. What am I still doing here? Life would be so much sweeter if I quit. There are better things that I could be doing. I could be spending a better life out there. I might be better off doing something else. There are a lot of other opportunities knocking at my door. I can do something I really love to do... I can still serve others while having compassion for myself at the same time. I can be doing something that's not as depressing, something that doesn't drag me down as much. Something not as tiring--- but still fulfilling.