Wrong Impression

I felt really bad yesterday. I can't help but feel bad whenever someone sees me as a person I'm not. And I hate it when people judge you based on their first impressions, and when they remember you for that single time you fucked up, and completely disregard all the good that you've done.

More than a month ago, i made that fatal mistake of dozing off while assisting in a consultant's operation. I couldn't help it. I knew that falling asleep would be something I'd regret, knowing that he's one of the consultants that everyone seemed to be afraid of... but when you've had no sleep for days, there's no way you'd fail to succumb to sleep the very moment you stay still, just holding several retractors when we play the role of the second assistant, with no grossly active participation.He sent me out of the room. Two days ago I wanted to redeem myself, and I failed again. I succumbed to sleep, and I almost lost my balance. Good thing he didn't send me out of the operating room that time. Yesterday, I was made a promise to myself that i would do good. I would stay awake and alert no matter what. I never thought that the time when I finally stayed awake would turn out to be a worse experience compared to the previous ones.

He kept on accusing me of dozing off even though I was wide awake. I wondered why... Out of curiosity, to test a theory--- I took a picture of myself with my head bent, and what do you know... my eyes really seemed close even if they were open! Hey, I can't help it if I had longer than normal eyelashes! Made me wish I just slept again, since there seemed to be no difference between staying awake and sleeping--- he's still think I was sleeping. What really pissed me off was the never ending jabs and comments about my personality. Those words really hurt. When the anesthesiologist asked me why I chose to take up surgery in residency, I told him I found surgery interesting. Then this big oaf of a consultant shouted "interesting? who would believe you find surgery interesting when you keep on falling asleep?!" He does have a point there. It really seems ironic to fall asleep when you're doing something you find interesting. Then just because I was hesitant in moving the retractors he said he's sure I was one of those pampered rich brats, who have servants to attend to their every need, that's' why I don't know how to assist or serve other people. And he's so sure I'm one of those, he said e can recognize those types of people, being a consultant for so long. I guess being a consultant for ages has rotted his way of thinking. How can being hesitant in assisting mean I'm a spoiled brat?! I'm hesitant because I'm afraid he may not approve of where I place those retractors! And I find it really insulting because I'm not one of those people, even if I can be one if I chose to! My father, my siblings--- they kept on asking our helpers in the house to do errands for them, even ask them to do simple and trivial things. As long as I can do things on my own, i do it. I don't ask for any one's help unless I really need to. I'm not that type of person, that's why it pisses me off when I hear people thinking I am what. Based on what? On my appearance? Can anyone be more narrow minded?! Then he kept mocking me, calling me your majesty, your highness and such. He then made a comment, its a shame only rich kids apply for residency in PGH these days, now PGH is full of brats who don't know how to serve. Give me a break. Just because someone isn't poor that doesn't mean he can't serve nor does that mean he has no compassion. Besides, with all the money we spend for patient's needs, no poor doctor can afford to take up residency in PGH!

But what really got me into a pensive mood was his final jab. He asked me why I didn't answer the anesthesiologist immediately when he asked me what it is in surgery do I find interesting. I told him I was thinking of a good answer. He said if I have to think of a good answer, then he seriously doubts that I find surgery interesting. if I don't find it interesting, what was I still doing here? If I'm just pretending to like what I'm doing, then I'd better quit early on.

He does have a point. What am I still doing here? Life would be so much sweeter if I quit. There are better things that I could be doing. I could be spending a better life out there. I might be better off doing something else. There are a lot of other opportunities knocking at my door. I can do something I really love to do... I can still serve others while having compassion for myself at the same time. I can be doing something that's not as depressing, something that doesn't drag me down as much. Something not as tiring--- but still fulfilling.