Little Boy Lost

It's already June and I haven't even finished one subject yet... at this rate I'd be finished with my review of human anatomy on Sunday... that would be Seven days! and I thought I could finish each subject in 3-4 days. Argh. This is getting to be frustrating. The fact that I seem to be encountering some of the terms for the first time disturbs me. How can I forget those terms? Sure, I took up anatomy 5 years ago... but shouldn't I still know it by heart? Or maybe I wasn't a good student at all, with all the cramming I did, that probably resulted to little retention... or maybe I'm just expecting too much from myself... others are probably in the same situation I am in.

Ever got lost somewhere when yo were little? Like in the woods, in the park, or in the mall? I've never been in such a situation... except maybe in my adult life where I can't seem to find a certain place, but being all grown up, i wasn't envelope with fear and hopelessness. My sister got lost in the mall once--- i think she was 3 or 4 years old then. I remember her crying when we found her. I'm in a different situation now, but somehow, I think now I know how she felt back then--- because I seem to feel the same way now. There's this fear of the unknown. Passing the board exams on the first try is a MUST. My peers know that it isn't a gauge of how much you know, or if you're going to be a good doctor in the future. Many intelligent people have failed it, and many of those we consider stupid have miraculously passed it. But there's this public perception, especially with family and relatives who have such high expectations, that if you failed the boards, you're stupid or you didn't study even if you know you've studied hard enough. Others may think that you won't be a good doctor if you failed the board exams once, it's a stigma that you'll carry your whole life.

So passing the boards is a given... but what next? Until now, I still have misgivings if I really want to be a doctor all my life. I guess I have to be one, 9 years of my life would be wasted if I don't become one. besides, i can't think of anything else that I could do. So should I proceed immediately to residency or just "moonlight" (doctors who apply for part time job openings at hospitals or clinics) for awhile? they make more money after all. But on the downside, I'd be left out by my batchmates who'd proceed to residency. Others plan to take the USMLE and take their chances in the United States. I don't really want to go down that path--- first of all, it's so expensive. At my age, I want to give something back to my parents. They've already paid so much for med school, i don't want to "take" more money from them. Also, it is plagued with so much more uncertainties. And I have certain issues--- I don't want to serve a country who doesn't really want me. Funny how many of my peers don't mind if they get assigned to certain remote places in the US, as long as they'll be in the US. Don't they realize that the only reason they get assigned there is that American doctors don't want to work in those places? It's like scrambling for leftovers. It's not about pride, it's more of dignity.

So if I take up residency in this country--- there's a lot of residency programs to choose from. Frankly, I'm only interested in surgery. I find the other programs boring. Internal medicine? zzzz. But there are so many surgeons in the country already, that it has become a very competitive field. After the residency program, there's very little income for new surgeons. Yeah, I know that medicine is a service oriented profession, but let's face it--- you can't serve others properly if you can't put food in your table first. So I have to subspecialize... yet I'm not really interested in the several subspecialties! Plastic surgery? not for me. Urology? it seems boring. Cardiothoracic surgery? ugh. there's trauma, but what kind of patients would I have then? The issue of income comes up again.

Also, should I work in a government hospital where the pay is better but you have so much work you end up looking like zombies, and you have very little free time? Or in a private hospital where there's less work, but you don't learn as much in terms of skills? plus the salary is also very little compared to government hospitals. I guess I can't really blame those who search for greener pastures abroad---- residents in this country are severely underpaid. Nurses earn more, when they have less work, and they only stay for 8 hours a day.

Argh! Just thinking about all these nauseates me!

I've been typing all these gibberish, all these nonsense, when I could have used the time to continue studying instead. hehe. I still have to pass the boards first, i still have time before i think about those other things. Take each step one at a time, that's what they say. Whatever decisions and choices I make, i hope they're the right one--- for my sake, and for others, especially my future patients. I may be a reluctant doctor, but I still want to be a good, if not great one.