In Melancholia.

I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head.

They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed.

Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone.

Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home.

There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain.

An ounce of peace is all I want for you, Will you never call again?

And will you never say that you loved me just to put it in my face.

And will you never try to reach me, it is I that wanted space.

I'm sober now for 3 whole months, it's one accomplishment that you helped me with.

The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again.

In a sick way I want to thank you

for holding my head up late at night.

While I was busy waging wars on myself,

you were trying to stop the fight.

You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate.

You made me compliment myself

when it was way too hard to take.

So I'll drive so fucking far away that I'll never cross your mind.

And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind.

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave

Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I have made.

And like a baby boy I never was a man,

Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand.

And then I fell down yelling Make it go away!

Just make her smile come back and shine just like it used to be.

And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"

Hate me today.

Hate me tomorrow.

Hate me for all the things

i didn't do for you.

Hate me in ways, in ways hard to swallow.

Hate me so you can finally

see what's good for you.

One After The Other

They say that when it rains, it pours. In my case, especially this year... it has been one torrential storm after another.

Talk about rude awakenings. Last weekend, it has been one drinking spree after another. Catching up with old friends while downing down bottle after bottle of alcohol. In the land of my birth, it seems that I am only capable of being happy when I'm not sober. Last weekend, it seemed that all my problems have been blown away, albeit temporarily. And for a few fleeting moments, I was glad.

And then came yesterday. For some weird reason, my sister chose to take my car on her way to work, and she asked that new family driver to drive her there. She could have taken the family car, she could have asked my dad to drive her to work like she usually does, but nooooooo... she had to take mine. Without my permission. Then i received a call from her yesterday morning. She told me that they got into a driving accident, and my car was wrecked. That stupid driver failed to hit the brakes on time. In broad daylight. In an intersection. In a traffic jam. They weren't going fast, and yet he managed to wreck the car. And to add insult to injury, he did some stupid reflex action. Instead of just stopping, he immediately shifted the gear in reverse and he hit the car behind him as well. That's so much worse than stupidity, I can't even think of a proper word for it.

Ever since my grandmother passed away, i have become extra careful when driving. I was really taking care of that car. No more speeding. No more drunk driving. I was mindful of traffic rules. For one thing, there's no way that we can afford to buy another car in case I manage to totally wreck my car again. Like the way I did to the one before. And the one before that. Add the fact that I was aware that we were not able to renew the insurance. We had a lot of things on our minds last May and paying for insurance was the last thing we needed to worry about. And as I expected, being the responsible person that he is, my dad still wasn't able to renew it upon my return. But mostly... I was taking good care of it because it was an expensive gift that my grandmother gave me. It's one of the last few concrete things about her that I can hold on to.

We already have a lot of expenses, and because of my dad's penchant for spending every cent that he gets as soon as he gets a hold of them, I really don't know where we are going to get the money for repairs. it was that stupid driver's fault so we have to pay for the damage that he made to the two other cars as well. And those two other cars were even more damaged than my car. It's a shame that he quit his job immediately after filing the police report. I would have loved to see him for one last time so that I could seriously damage his face. I would have felt such immense pleasure if I could have wrecked his face the way he wrecked by car.

I really can't understand why my dad has zero savings. He's getting the same amount of money that our tenants used to pay my grandmother. My grandma always manages to save more than half of that, yet he can't seem to save any. I know he has to pay for the estate tax plus a whole lot of other expenses, but I have this feeling that he's not using the money to pay for those expenses. How else could you explain the fact that he keeps on borrowing money from me? and why does he keep asking me to write checks from him, even though he knows that the joint account that my grandmother used to share with me is almost depleted? And he can't even pay our bills on time, we have been receiving one disconnection notice after another! I really don't know where all that money is going, and when we ask him, he just can't give any definite answer. I was worried that if an emergency happened... if one of us got into an accident, if one of us got sick, or if, god forbid one of us died... we have no way to pay for such emergency expenses. And true enough, something unexpected happened, and he's at a loss on how to pay for it all.

Somehow, he found out that my grandma left money for me before she passed away. It was meant to fund my upcoming trip. The only people who knew about this are my mom, my sister, and our house helper. And none of them are admitting that they told him, whether intentionally or unintentionally. One of them is lying and that really pisses me off. They know about how my dad deals with money. I trusted these three people and just like that, they broke my trust. I feel incredibly pissed and disappointed. I can't help but feel betrayed. There's absolutely no one in this family that I can trust now. I should be thankful I guess. That just makes it easier to leave everyone behind.

Again I told my dad that I don't have money. He told me he knows for a fact that I had money with me. He called me selfish. He called me a liar. He told me that he couldn't understand why I don't want to lend him money when he will be able to pay for it immediately. Really?! with what?! with the huge fortune that is about to come his way, any minute now? the one that he has been blabbing about for years? Jesus Christ. If he can't understand me, well I can't understand him either! I am a realist. Unlike him, I don't live in a dream world. I know that as of now, I have barely enough money with me. If I lend him as much as he's asking now, I definitely won't be able to leave. I'll be stuck here. With him. With them. My siblings have jobs, why doesn't he ask them to lend him money instead? Oh, that's right. Because they don't want to lend him money either. Then don't want to have anything to do with him either. But they have a steady income, he should direct his words at them instead. Fine, I'm selfish, but he should call them selfish as well. I'm selfish because I have to be. I'm the only one looking out for myself. There's no one left here to help me reach my dreams but me. If I choose to become selfless, I might as well let go of my dreams as well. A few months from now, there will be no turning back. I can keep on driving a wrecked car for a few more months. It's still functional anyway, who cares about that huge dent in the front and in the back. As long as it keeps on running, I don't care. After that, they can do whatever they want with it. I already have a lot of memories of my grandma that I can hold on to that would last for my entire lifetime. A few months from now, they can do what they want with their lives, I would let them handle their own problems, let them get out of the mess that they have created themselves. There's no turning back, and I don't even have to look back. A few months from now, I could stop caring. Because a few months from now, there would only be me.

In All Reverie

I dreamt about her the other night.

That was the first time I dreamed about her after she passed away. I was drunk when I went home. I went directly to her bedroom, turned on the airconditioning, and then lied down on her bed, face down. I was awake for a few more minutes, talking out loud like i always do when I am intoxicated... and then all the alcohol in my bloodstream finally took effect. For the first time in weeks, I was asleep before daylight. And the mere thought of it was comforting. No idle thoughts before going to bed, no tossing and turning... for the first time in months, I immediately slept. no worries, no distractions. I just slept. And when i dreamt, i thought everything was real. The life that I was living for the past few months was the dream, and that the world that my subconscious had created was reality. In my dream, she was inside the very same room where i was sleeping. it was probably late in the afternoon, when the sun's rays fills her room with a unique afterglow. It was nothing short of surreal. she was seated at the edge of her bed, in that corner where her photo albums are presently piled up on top of each other. But it seemed like a different bedroom. everything had that washed out look of old photographs--- everything was faded, yet everything seemed so much better because they remind us of happier times. She asked me to sit beside her, and I obliged. She held my hand, our fingers intertwined, and she was saying so many things, none of which i could presently remember. But I can remember that she was smiling all the time. There was an instance that she was laughing. And somehow, that made everything feel all right. Though i can't understand the things that she has been saying, the fact that she seemed happy made me feel happy. There's no trace of anger in her face, no trace of disappointment or loneliness. All that I could see was her smile, and that smile was enough to brighten everything in my world. She was happy after all, and that was enough to make me feel happy. And it didn't feel like a dream at all.

I woke up late in the afternoon. And eerily, the room looked exactly the way it was in my dream. And initially, i thought I was still dreaming. I thought she just went out for a while, maybe she was walking around the house or cooking dinner for us... or maybe visiting a few neighbors, like the way she always did during all those boring afternoons a few years ago when she still had the strength to walk on her own. Any moment now, she's going to come back. Any moment now she's going to walk inside the room, and she's going to chide me for sleeping all day, wasting another perfect day. For a few more minutes, everything seemed all right. I was waiting for her to barge in. But when I saw the photo albums piled on that corner of the bed... when I saw that her dresser was already empty... I immediately awoke to reality. For one fleeting moment, i was unusually happy. Everything seemed perfectly all right with the world... and just like that, that great feeling was gone in an instant. it's all gone.

Just like her.

Now as i patiently wait for these tablets of Valium to take effect, I am hoping to experience that feeling once again. These past few months have been nothing but a mess. It would be a welcome reprieve to feel happiness once again, however fleeting it may be. I might see her in my dreams again. I may be able to talk to her again... see her smile... hold her hand... A few more doses of Valium may do the trick. maybe a whole lot more. Once I've reached that tipping point, everything will be all right once again. i will be happy. I will be at peace.

At least in my very own fabricated little world.

Dear God.

wish i could still believe.

Dear God, Performed by Avenged Sevenfold. 2008 Warner Bros. Records.