In All Reverie

I dreamt about her the other night.

That was the first time I dreamed about her after she passed away. I was drunk when I went home. I went directly to her bedroom, turned on the airconditioning, and then lied down on her bed, face down. I was awake for a few more minutes, talking out loud like i always do when I am intoxicated... and then all the alcohol in my bloodstream finally took effect. For the first time in weeks, I was asleep before daylight. And the mere thought of it was comforting. No idle thoughts before going to bed, no tossing and turning... for the first time in months, I immediately slept. no worries, no distractions. I just slept. And when i dreamt, i thought everything was real. The life that I was living for the past few months was the dream, and that the world that my subconscious had created was reality. In my dream, she was inside the very same room where i was sleeping. it was probably late in the afternoon, when the sun's rays fills her room with a unique afterglow. It was nothing short of surreal. she was seated at the edge of her bed, in that corner where her photo albums are presently piled up on top of each other. But it seemed like a different bedroom. everything had that washed out look of old photographs--- everything was faded, yet everything seemed so much better because they remind us of happier times. She asked me to sit beside her, and I obliged. She held my hand, our fingers intertwined, and she was saying so many things, none of which i could presently remember. But I can remember that she was smiling all the time. There was an instance that she was laughing. And somehow, that made everything feel all right. Though i can't understand the things that she has been saying, the fact that she seemed happy made me feel happy. There's no trace of anger in her face, no trace of disappointment or loneliness. All that I could see was her smile, and that smile was enough to brighten everything in my world. She was happy after all, and that was enough to make me feel happy. And it didn't feel like a dream at all.

I woke up late in the afternoon. And eerily, the room looked exactly the way it was in my dream. And initially, i thought I was still dreaming. I thought she just went out for a while, maybe she was walking around the house or cooking dinner for us... or maybe visiting a few neighbors, like the way she always did during all those boring afternoons a few years ago when she still had the strength to walk on her own. Any moment now, she's going to come back. Any moment now she's going to walk inside the room, and she's going to chide me for sleeping all day, wasting another perfect day. For a few more minutes, everything seemed all right. I was waiting for her to barge in. But when I saw the photo albums piled on that corner of the bed... when I saw that her dresser was already empty... I immediately awoke to reality. For one fleeting moment, i was unusually happy. Everything seemed perfectly all right with the world... and just like that, that great feeling was gone in an instant. it's all gone.

Just like her.

Now as i patiently wait for these tablets of Valium to take effect, I am hoping to experience that feeling once again. These past few months have been nothing but a mess. It would be a welcome reprieve to feel happiness once again, however fleeting it may be. I might see her in my dreams again. I may be able to talk to her again... see her smile... hold her hand... A few more doses of Valium may do the trick. maybe a whole lot more. Once I've reached that tipping point, everything will be all right once again. i will be happy. I will be at peace.

At least in my very own fabricated little world.