Grey Skies

I've been back in the dumps for a few days now, and I'm hating every minute of it. The disdain that I have felt towards this place has grown incrementally through the years, and now I've reached the point that I can't possibly be any more jaded. For the past few days I have been confined to my room, and honestly, I prefer it this way. To heck with boredom, to heck with monotony. As dull as it may seem, this is actually more convenient. And this is the easiest way to avoid confrontation.

During the few times that I went outside, I just couldn't help but feel pissed off. I mean, who wouldn't when everywhere you look, all you'll see is disarray. A stupid and completely f*cked up government. utter mismanagement on all possible levels. Mass media without an ounce of responsibility, only self righteousness. Citizens who are apathetic. People behaving like savages. People driven by greed and nothing else. People who fail to see their mistakes, let alone admit them. Everywhere I look there is chaos. Maybe it's because I was away for so long, that I was no longer used to such disarray. Until I've learn to adapt to such savagery again, i guess it would be best to just stay in my own little universe for now. Every time i go out, I feel as if my head is going to explode. This is what's best for whatever's left of my sanity.

The other reason... i choose to stay in my own little world to avoid loneliness. The same loneliness that I felt two months ago when I left. More than anything else, I needed to leave because i just had to get away from it all. And for the most part, it worked. During those two months that I was away from home, there were only three instances that I felt depressed. The first part was the extension of the grief and mourning resulting from my grandmother's passing. Coupled with the feelings of guilt and regret, it was hard to escape from depression. But I've managed to keep myself busy and therefore divert my attention to other things, and the distance helped a lot. Being far away with no contact to the people at home, it was easy to pretend that things remained as they were. The next instance was when I got my exam result. Yeah, I passed, and some have said that passing alone was already a cause for celebration... but I barely passed. And that sucked so much because my grandma paid for that exam, and again she's the one who funded my trip posthumously... I couldn't help but feel that I let her down again. What even makes it harder to accept is the fact that I have been studying for that exam for 6 months, and a few weeks before the exam I felt that I was really prepared for it... and then it happened. Some of my friends said that it's not my fault. After all, i wasn't in my right state of mind when i took the exam. truth be told, i wasn't really thinking half the time I was taking it... i guess it's a miracle that I managed to pass. But I was counting on a high score on that exam to boost my resume, and I blew it. I can't help but feel that even after my grandmother's death, I still keep on disappointing her. That fact alone makes it so much harder to bear.

The last instance that I felt lonely was those few hours that I was waiting at the airport for my flight back home. That was when reality had set in. In a few hours, I'll be back to the place of anger and loneliness, to the place i despised for so many reasons. I'll be back to once again face the things that I would rather leave behind. And when i got back, i chose to continue the strategy that I have been doing for the past couple of months, which is avoidance. As long as i remain inside my room, it's easier to pretend that nothing has changed. For the past few months, this is where I spent most of my days anyway. Just studying and doing nothing. I just go out every now and then to check on my grandma. And after spending a couple of minutes with her, I'm back in my room, doing my usual routine, oblivious to the world outside. As long as I remain inside my room, it's easier to think that nothing has changed. As long as i remain here, it's easier to pretend that everything is all right.

Everything was fine until I made that stupid decision to go inside her room. When I sat on her bed, the emotions came flooding back in. There it was, the reality that I have been avoiding for the past couple of days. There it was, the reality that i almost forgot when I was several thousand miles away. The pain and loneliness were as fresh as they were two months ago. I used to laugh when I see similar scenes in movies, yet there I was doing exactly what those actors were doing. Crying as I hugged her clothes, crying as I was looking at old photographs, crying as I embraced her pillows. Besides memories, all that remained in her room was emptiness. Despite all the clutter, all that remained was nothingness. All that's left is a void that couldn't be filled with anything, and that's what makes it so hard to accept.

If only life had a fast forward button, I'd be pressing it right now. For me to move on, I need to be far away from this place because it brings out nothing but the worst in me. It's causing such a drain in my emotions that I am left being incapable of doing anything else. All the anger and loneliness would keep on consuming me until I am left with nothing. A year from now I should be out of here, and hopefully it's for good. And if the myth of heaven turns out to be true, a year from now when my grandma looks down on me, she'll finally see a grandson that she could truly be proud of. For now, I am still the exact same person when she left. For now, I am still the same. But i'm looking forward to a brighter future, though I'm still unsure of what lies ahead. I am hoping for the best, things can't possibly grow any worse. Hopefully, by this time next year, my life would no longer be the mess that it is now. Hopefully, a year from now, I will no longer be me.