Standstill

It has become a monthly thing.

I got home a little late today. Traffic was bad, and with all the roadwork going on near our house, I had to take a longer route home. I was so tired, and all I wanted to do was sleep, but as soon as a lied on my bed, my aunt told me that my grandmother was finding it difficult to breath again.

*groan*

Not again.

July 2008. September 2008. December 2008. January 2009. April 2009. That's five hospital admissions in a span of less than a year.  It has only been 30 days since she was discharged from the hospital. That last attack was the worst one so far. Whereas before she would be fully recovered after about two weeks, she never fully recovered her strength after the last admission. After walking a short distance, she needed to sit down. She would already be gasping for breath. And when i say a short distance, that distance doesn't even reach a hundred meters. At home, she would occasionally find it difficult to breath, but a few minutes of pure oxygen inhalation would solve the problem. Maybe it was just another one of those episodes. Oxygen inhalation: done. Intravenous diuretics: given. Calcium channel blocker: given. After about thirty minutes, she fell asleep. She seemed to have stabilized. Breathing was normal. Heart rate and rhythm were normal. Everything seemed okay. After a few more minutes, i left her room and went to sleep.

I woke up almost midnight. Everyone in the house is usually asleep at that time so I didn't notice anything that was out of the ordinary. I ate dinner, watched a little TV, surfed the net, took a bath. Then I received a text message from my dad. Apparently, my grandmother was brought to the hospital while I was asleep, and she was again confined at the telemetry unit. She didn't want to wake me up because she noticed that I was tired, so my dad was called instead.

I knew it was inevitable. The fact that she has not yet fully recovered after a month was a bad sign. Hospital admissions have been increasing in frequency, I doubt if she still has long to live. Last month, we had to take her to the hospital right after we had dinner at a restaurant. All of a sudden, she couldn't breath, and she was quickly getting pale. Good thing the hospital was nearby, because that was a close call. That was a week before the exam i took. I couldn't properly do some last minute studying (or should I say cramming) because I had to take part in hospital shifts--- a relative must be present near her room at all times. And because I had the most flexible schedule, i had to take the bulk of those shifts. It was fine, except for the fact that I couldn't get much studying done at the hospital. I'm not saying that was the reason why I didn't get a high grade on the exam, but I guess it was a factor.

Somehow, I'm at a standstill. I can't really make definite plans for the future when she's like this. I have to put everything on hold when these things happen. I HAVE to be always available. Even when it was impossible, my dad pressured me to make it possible--- that was one of the factors that led to my eventual resignation as a surgery resident. That job required me to give all my time, and it wasn't compatible with a family situation that occasionally required me to give my full time also. Just two weeks ago, I found it extremely irritating when my dad specifically told me that when my grandmother has to be brought to the hospital, even when I'm at work, I should still be available to bring her.  He's going abroad and my brother is out of town, and I would be the only one in proximity. Uh... don't we have the family driver for that???? Did he really expect me to do something so irresponsible? To suddenly leave the hospital where i worked when it was virtually impossible to find another doctor to cover for me on such short notice? Yes, I was often pressured. At times I'm given such huge and impractical demands, but I never felt that I was being forced. I'm not obliged to. But as person who cares for someone he owes his life to, I feel that i have to. It's my duty. It's my responsibility. Because of that, I have realized that I can't really go on unless she completely recovers and  stay fit and healthy, or sadly... just the opposite. Yet I can't keep on postponing my plans waiting for such a thing to happen. I can't remain on a standstill for months, even years, or God forbid... even a decade. Who knows how long this will go on? I'm praying for more years ahead of her life, but I can't remain like this during all those years. Eventually, I have to go ahead and carry on, just wish for the best, ignoring all distractions,  and stick to my plans without looking behind...

No matter how uncaring and selfish it makes me look.

No matter how sad, contrite, and pitiful it makes me feel.

Even if I end up hating myself, I have to move on... sometime.