Unfeeling

I guess I've changed a lot in just 1 1/2 months. One change that I've noticed is that I seemed to have lost compassion... when every patient you encounter have monetary problems combined with sordid life stories, it's gets harder to give them pity. The impact one gets from hearing stories of difficult living becomes lesser and lesser when everyone tells them. At this point, i have become numb, there's no impact at all. Most often, I even get pissed when I hear the familiar line of patients saying they have no money at all. everyone seems to have this stupid notion that everything is free in a government hospital, unaware that us doctors provide their needs with money from our own pockets. Maybe it's not such a stupid notion, because so many people have the same notion. Ideally, a government hospital should provide the needs of its people, especially those who can't afford health care anywhere else... it's just their luck that they're not in a First world country wherein their government can afford to provide adequate health care for its people. Everytime I hear that familiar statement---- "We have no money", I cringe... I have to shell out money again! With my measly salary! if my parents stopped giving me allowances, I'd be as poor as these people! I can never understand how anyone can leave their house without any money when faced with emergencies, with the simple reason that they were panicking, so they forgot. I find it even harder to understand how may people who came from places that are so far away can do all that travelling and yet arrive at the hospital with no money at all! Wouldn't it make more sense to seek treatment on a place that's much nearer, so that they can spend their money for medications instead of transportation! Can emergencies really cause acute stupidity?! I even get more pissed when such patients are so ungrateful, you don't even get a simple thank you, some of them even act like they're doing you a favor by letting you operate on them. i guess I can't expect much from trauma patients.... Yeah, there are some good patients, those who are innocent victims of unfortunate circumstances... but mostly they're criminals, or people denying they're criminals... either they're heroes stopping a fight, or innocent bystanders, victims of bad luck. Those who aren't criminals are mostly people stupid enough to drive when they're dead drunk, or dumb enough to punch a mirror in a fit of rage, or stupid enough to put a loaded gun in their pocket and accidentally shoot themselves in the groin. i used to like rotating in trauma no matter how hectic it can get... but dealing with such patients every minute of every day--- It's like I'm carrying a huge burden, and it keeps on getting heavier and heavier. i haven't just lost pity for such patients... I'd like to deny it, but I'm slowly starting to despise these trauma patients. I can't even force a smile when I talk to them. I've become one grumpy doctor that no patient who can afford medical services would want to deal with.

At times though, it all seems worthwhile. For every hundred annoying patient, there's at least one good patient. Those who keep on saying thank you, those who'd give a simple gist as a symbol of their gratefulness, be it food, a simple token, even though you'd rather have them pay the huge amount you've shelled out for them... A simple thank you can bring a smile to a grumpy face, they can erase the memories of the other patients.... Such patients come rarely though... the rotten ones around you remain, keeping you drenched in misery. No compassion. No pity. Just Apathy. Indifference. Sometimes, even hate.

This can't be a good thing.