Friends--- they come and go. Although i can name several people that i am really close to, several people that i have poured my heart and soul a couple of times before, i never really felt that need for constant companionship with them. I could go on for months, heck probably even several years without any form of communication with them and i won't even miss them. truth is, they're the ones who keep the flow of communication going, saying hi every now and then, whenever weeks or months have passed by without talking. I may feel the need to reach out to a fellow human being, but i don't need to keep the people i reach out to constant--- why would i, when there are people practically anywhere. and most certainly i would eventually get to have a couple of new friends. maybe the relationships that i would form with those new people wouldn't be as deep as the relationships i've formed before... but so what? i'm not looking for anything complex or deep. a superficial relationship, one that involves just hanging out and doing stupid, funny stuff would suffice for me. i'm not really fond of pouring my heart out to other people anyway. I'm more comfortable in keeping such thoughts to myself, or just ranting in an anonymous blog like this one whenever i feel the need to put my thoughts into words. I'd much rather be alone with my thoughts and let all those feelings pass, instead of pulling another individual into the abyss that i'm in. people already have a lot of things to deal with, they don't need to worry about my problems. and besides, the thoughts going through my head are too dark and complex anyway. most people wouldn't really understand.
Yes, to me friends are easily disposable. no matter how long i've known them, no matter how much i've shared with them, no matter how strong the bond that we had was... i can easily set them aside. yeah that makes me a prick. that makes me some sort of an asshole. but what the heck can i do? that's how i am, it's not how i chose to be. about two months ago i've decided to keep away form certain friends. my gay friends, including those that i'm only suspecting to be gay. I chose to avoid them, like a plague. just like that, all of a sudden, no apparent reason. i don't think they realize that i'm avoiding them. it's easy to make excuses that i'm busy with work because i do have work--- i've been doing more work lately compared to the past couple of years. and it's easy to say i already have plans because i am seeing someone regularly. it's not a relationship, i'm just going through the motions, but it does offer a convenient excuse. one person though seemed to have realized something was wrong, because we used to hang out a lot often, now it's been months since we've last seen each other. three of those gay folks are my closest friends. i know, how the heck could a guy like me have so many gay friends. and i'm not even counting those gay friends that i am not close to. i dunno, it just happened. the fact that the medical field seems to attract a lot of people whose sexual orientations are questionable doesn't seem to be helping. truth be told, i haven't met many straight guy friends in med school. a lot of em profess they're straight, but they act so effeminate and they like too many girly stuff, i have to keep myself from laughing out loud every time they talk about girls and shit. the fact that we found a few of them keeping gay porn materials wouldn't be of much help to their cause, but hey i'm friends with them. whenever people ask if they're gay or whenever they ask me why do i hang out with such people, i tell them my friends aren't gay even if i know they are. and jesus, it's not like one can actively screen the people they become friends with can they? friendship is like love. you don't choose whom you fall in love with. it's something that just happens.
People have ask me a lot of time why i hang out with them. i don't find the term fag stag endearing. and i have accepted the fact that people would assume i'm gay as well when i keep hanging out with them. i've just learned to ignore that through the years. i know i can't hook up with someone when i'm with them, and there's no use making a move on anyone. i'm with them just to hang out, i'm not looking to get laid, so why should i care what other people think? especially people i don't even know? that's my way of thinking for the past couple of years. that's why i don't really know what happened. why the sudden change? i'm sure as hell not embarrassed when people see me with them. until now, i still don't care what other people think. what changed is something inside me. the fact that they talk about a lot of things that i couldn't relate to is one thing. i've been annoyed by that fact ever since. whenever they talk about boys or put the gay speak on overdrive, i feel like i'm being shut out. and frankly, i find some of the stuff they talk about downright disgusting, i just choose to be quiet about em. the fact that some of them could be wanting more than friendship isn't even an issue. as long as they keep their hands off then it's a none issue. if something happened due to alcohol intoxication, if they have been really good friends i could also get over that after a couple of months. heck, i've done a lot of stupid things when i'm drunk, i can't possibly hold other people accountable for their actions when they are under the influence without sounding like a hypocrite.... so that's also a non issue. maybe it's the fact that i've been hanging out with alpha male types for the past couple of months have something to do with it. we have conversations where i never feel shut out. I feel really part of the group, i never feel like an outsider. we share the same interests, and i can talk to them about things only straight males can understand. after such a long time, I feel like being part of a pack again. I feel like such an ass for feeling this way, but as of this moment, i don't really feel the need to reach out to my gay friends ever again. maybe this is only temporary, i don't really know. I can't just throw all those years of friendship away of course. i can still go out with them, i can still talk to them. I would still call them friends. but it can't be more than that. it can no longer have any deeper meaning. maybe i'm just not meant to hang out with people like them because they are so different. i can get along with them, but it could only remain on a superficial level. instinctively, we seek out people who think the same way we do, and it just took me years to realize that. or maybe and more probably, as i have concluded earlier, i am just basically nothing more than an ass.
