Damn this respiratory infection. I've been blowing my nose incessantly, i have been coughing my lungs out, i barely have a voice. Oh, and did i mention that I have an ear infection too? Plus a fever and a massive headache. I can't possibly feel any more shitty. Being back home is bad enough. Having to deal with an illness at the same time makes things so much worse.I feel so low right now. Downright miserable. I can think of only a few times in my life when i've sunk to such depths of despair, and this is one of them.
Being home reminds me of things that I can easily put in the back of my mind when i'm far away. And the reality that such an option may no longer be viable in the future is making me lose grip on my sanity.
I should've known that it was pretty bleak back then. Yeah it was possible, but it was going to be really difficult, and I fooled myself to think otherwise. I should've known that it was going to be such a long shot after i got the results of that first exam. I should've given up back then, but with the continued encouragements from my friends, i chose to continue traveling on this path. I swallowed my pride, even willing for the very least desirable option that i could at least tolerate, but even that wasn't enough. I could've saved a lot of our resources if i just had the sense to quit back then, but the promise of a better life for myself continued to give me that false sense of security. And now that I'm near the end of the line, it seems that i won't be able to reach it after all. And i would be left with absolutely nothing... and that makes it so much more depressing.
That's it. The end of the line. For everything. I hate the place where I'm in now and everything it stands for. I can't imagine working in this place again. I'd try to imagine working here again, but it just wouldn't work. The sense of disdain is too much, it can't possibly work out. I have lost all options. The very minute I got off the plane, i was enveloped in darkness again, that darkness that felt oh so familiar. And dark thoughts clouded my head once again.
I feel guilty for my grandma's death. Yes, it wasn't entirely my fault, but I played a part in it. The events have been on continuous replay in my mind on every idle moment, and every time, i would reach the same conclusion. No matter how many times i turn things around, I am partially responsible. Because I made so many mistakes. Because i just didn't try hard enough. And I just can't live with that.
I realized that I'm becoming exactly like my father. No, not becoming... Now, I am exactly like him. An adult with no sense of direction, someone who continues to live in a dream world. Someone who keeps on believing in that ideal future even when everything else points to the contrary. I have become exactly like my father, the man that I disdain, the man that i swear I never would become. And I just can't live like that.
And as I realize that I have been going through a pointless, futile journey--- a journey that my grandma has invested a lot in... I just can't bear the fact that even after her death, I'll be letting her down once again. The last chance I get to redeem myself and I completely blew it. I just can't continue living with such a burden. I can't possibly live with that. I just can't.
All I want is a way to stop these thoughts permanently. Right about now.
I just want to be alone. Everyone keeps on bugging me about things that I shouldn't be concerned about--- pointless, stupid little things. I turned off my phone, I kept the door locked in my room, and i was alone again in my own little world, i was at peace... until the rest of my family decided to move in, effectively eliminating my privacy. Now i share my room with someone else, depriving me of the alone time that i need so much right now. The false illusion of a happy family that my dad tries so hard to convey is so damn sickening, it barely succeeds to hide the indifference we feel towards each other, and the disdain we feel for him. All the pretentiousness around me makes me want to explode. It makes me want to fuckin' explode.
But all hope is not lost, as one friend said. It would be foolish for me to believe in such a thing again. It would be foolish to allow myself to be buoyed yet again with such false encouragements, but i have nothing else to hold on to. I've done all that I can, and all that I can do now is hope. Hope for the ideal. Hope for the improbable. Hope for that chance to finally escape. Hope for a new and better life. I want nothing else but to get away from this mess that i refer to as my present life. If fate deprives me of the chance that i'm hoping for, then i have no choice but to find another way. I'm just so sick and tired of my life right now, and i'm willing to do anything to be free from it. I'd do everything that is necessary to escape.
