Day 51 in the USA. Day 16 in New York.
And I am bored out of my wits.
These past few days, i often ask myself... what am I still doing here? I mean, it's not like I still have to be here. Sure, it was fun at first. I've been to places I've never been before. And i do love to travel, i love meeting new people, I love experiencing new things. But there comes a point when familiarity sets it, and that brings you back down to reality.
I knew it was a little too late when I took the exam last November. I wouldn't be able to get the results in time, and that alone lessened my chances of getting into a good program. Still, I decided to stay until I get the exam result, so that I can take the final exam before going home. That's like hitting two birds with one stone. i don't have to fly back here just to take another exam... that would be more cost effective. Then it turns out that I probably won't be able to take that exam after all, because the processing takes about two weeks, and I'm supposed to fly back home at around that time. Trying to reschedule my flight on a later date would prove to be expensive--- almost as expensive as another flight back here. So I'm still at odds whether or not to reschedule my flight back home. Of course, before deciding, I have to be sure that I already passed the exam that I took last November. For me, the result of that exam is still clouded in uncertainty. i don't really know if I passed.
If I won't be able to take that last exam, what the heck am I still doing here? I can wait for the result of the previous exam back home. And it's not like I'm still waiting for job interviews to pop up. It's already January... there would be no more. This whole trip has turned out to be an extended vacation for me. What makes me feel worse is the fact that my parents and grandparents are paying for all my expenses here, and it has been a long time since i've relied on them financially. And all along they think that I'm studying here, that I'm looking for work here--- but that's not exactly the case. I'm simply having a very expensive vacation, and that makes me feel guilty. I am wasting their money by being here. i have no more purpose here, and i have no valid reason for staying. This vacation is like a gift from them, a very expensive gift that I certainly do not deserve. I am bored out of my wits because i am no longer used to being unemployed for so long, for being so dependent on others for so long. I can't help but feel that somehow, i have become useless.
Why am I here? That's another question that has been popping up. Do I really want to be here? Yes, I love it here. i can imagine living here for the rest of my life. But is this the life that i really want for myself? Would I get to do the things that I really wanted to do? I never wanted to be a doctor, and with all the things that are happening to me right now, all the apprehensions that I felt before i enrolled in med school seems to be justified. The path to the finish line is difficult, and once you've reached it you'd be lucky enough to receive some sort of payback. Before deciding to take up residency here, I knew i won't be able to get into a program that I really wanted to be in. There are only two things that I like about this profession: first would be the ability to help others in ways that ordinary men can't. The feeling that i get whenever I am able to help someone in need is indescribable. The other thing that I like isn't as profound as that. Truth is, it's shallow. Some say it's juvenile. I like the adrenaline rush i get when I see blood. I like attending to emergency cases, to trauma. I like surgery. I like cutting people up. It's shallow and it is stupid, but the simple joy that i feel whenever i do certain procedures and operations is indescribable. That simple joy alone can make me forget all the stress that i am encountering. That simple joy is such a huge payback. And I can never experience that joy if i pursue residency training here.
What made me decide was financial gain. I can never make the same amount of money back home. Never in my wildest dreams. So i figured i can apply to any residency program. The road to surgical specialties is hard for foreign medical graduates like myself. Some say it's next to impossible. It's easy to get into primary care programs, and I told myself that I can do that. I didn't like internal medicine--- honestly, I hated it all throughout med school. But I thought about the money, and that alone makes it all worth it. Work is just work. A means to an end, which is money. I can do anything as long as the payback makes it all worth it.
That's what i thought, until I visited my friends at work. Watching them do procedures, watching them go about their daily routine, watching them discuss their patients problems, watching them squeeze their brains for all they are worth... I realized that I don't think I can do this... I'm not sure if I can do this. Certainly, it's not for me. I'm not cut up for internal medicine, that's a fact. it wouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out. I've told myself before that money can make me do any job, but now i'm not sure if money would be enough. i hate it when my friends say I'm being choosy. As a foreign graduate, i should take any opportunity that comes along--- that's what they say, and it's easy for them to say that. It would be easy for them to try a program they didn't like at first. They all wanted to be doctors in the first place. Another program would be easier to swallow, even if it's something they never imagined themselves to be in. But I didn't want to be a doctor. Any program would be difficult for me because I never wanted to be a doctor in the first place. Forcing myself into a program that I do not like would be very difficult. Without the simple joys that certain residency programs can give me, I don't think I can finish any other training program, especially the ones that i hate. I'm not being choosy, I'm just using my head. If I don't think I can do the work, if i seriously doubt if i can go through with it, why would I even apply in the first place? If I had no options, if I had no other choices, then i would go through with it no matter how miserable every single day of my life would be, because I have to. I need to, in order to survive. But the thing is, I do have other options.
I hate the New Year. it can get to me in ways that no other holiday can. I can ignore all other holidays, but not the New Year. Everyone is in such a festive mood, and i find it hard to force a smile, to pretend that just like them, I am overwhelmed with joy and optimism. Because at the start of every year, I'm reminded of the past, of mistakes that I've made, and i am offered a glimpse of a future that doesn't look too bright.
At the start of each year, I am overwhelmed with what ifs and what could have beens. Even when I've told myself over and over that I have left the past behind and that i have moved on, at the start of every year, all these things continue to haunt me again. What if I didn't go to med school? Sure, i didn't really know what I wanted to be back then, but i was sure that I didn't want to be a doctor. What if I didn't resign back in 2007? Sure, I hated the place and the way they run things, but the difficult parts were almost over back then. If I just swallowed my pride and took everything in stride, I'd be almost done with residency by now. Sure, establishing a private practice would still be clouded in uncertainty, but this thing called residency would be over and done with... and that would mean that i have actually accomplished something, no matter how little or trivial the impact that would have in my life. What if i've learned to live with my father and his eccentricities? i would have accepted his friend's offer of a position in a local hospital, even if that would make me still look dependent on my father for everything, even my career. Again, I would have a stable, but low paying job. And I won't even be here. Because more than the financial gain, my dad drove me here. He drove me away. I guess one of the main reasons why I like it here is the fact that I'm away from him. There's an unbreakable bond between a father and his son, I know. But that bond would have to withstand the distance, because we simply can't live with each other. In close proximity, all the anger overshadows all the good that he's been trying to do.
I would love to be optimistic, and be sincere every time a stranger greets me a happy new year and I greet them back, but i just can't. Looking at my past and how uncertain my future is, I'm sure anyone can understand me when I say that I just can't.
At this point in my life, I am sorry to say that I just can't.
