It wasn't that hard to plan it. Nothing like the cold winter nights of december to put you in an introspective mood. Nothing like the stillness in the air to make you look back at the sort of life you've lived, and look forward to the sort of life you'd end up living. And all the things i've seen were nothing short of depressing. I had one shot, i had that one chance to make a difference. If i blew it, i probably won't get another chance. If i miss that opportunity, I'd be stuck in the same old rut. Rather than continue living a life that i hate, i'd rather just end it. There was no other way.
July 1. That was the day that i was supposed to do it. That was the day of change. If i got lucky, i would be out of here, and i would never look back. If luck wasn't on my side... well, i'd still rather be out of here, and there lies the attraction to that other option. Win or lose, come July 1 i'd be out of here. No matter the outcome, come July 1, the life that i knew would end. That was it.
I came home on the last week of January. Being surrounded by all things that i hated made it so hard for me to hold on. It was so tempting, yet i had to wait. Things may turn out for the better after all. It was too early to tell back then. By mid february, i started making all preparations. After months of planning, i already knew how to go about it. I knew the things that had to be bought, i knew the things that would be needed. More than a decade ago when similar thoughts clouded my head, i wanted to make the most impact. I wanted it to be as bloody as possible. I wanted it to be messy.I thought about jumping off a tall building. I thought about bleeding myself slowly to death on the bathroom floor. I thought about shooting myself in the head with my grandpa's gun. But after more than a decade, i have somehow become more subdued. I didn't want a violent death, i was more at peace with myself. I want to go out quietly, subtly, without much noise. I chose my weapon of choice. It was a drug that was easy enough to procure as long as you have a medical license. The only problem was, i could fall asleep before the the toxic dose has been pumped into my veins, thereby foiling my plans. So i figured out the delivery method. Five times the lethal dose would flow through my veins. I would be long dead and the drug would still continue to be pumped through my bloodstream. Once i flipped that switch, there would be no turning back, there would be no recovery. When i realized that, although i was drowning in depression at that time, i managed to smile. And it was a genuine smile. I was really happy.
It was a rainy day in mid february when i bought the drugs. The weather was fitting, i thought to myself. It was easy enough to buy 6 vials, no questions were asked. The salesperson didn't even give any second thoughts. Everything was set. I had everything i needed. After a month i would know whether I would have any use for all of it or not. I hid my armaments in a place no one knew of. I practiced inserting an IV line on myself just to make sure no hitches would happen on the big day. I encountered no problems. It was gonna be easy. I didn't want to leave any suicide note because i thought that would be cheesy, but i guess I owed my family at least that. No explanations why i did it, just a few words directed at them. To my dad, i wouldn't say that he's one of the main reasons why i hate my life so much. I would just say that it's not yet too late to make a change, and i wish he would finally wise up and use his remaining years to fix his messed up, god forsaken life. To my mom, i really don't know what to say. Except maybe i wish we could have been more closer to each other... so that i can sincerely say that i would miss her. And to my siblings... well, although i never really felt close to any of them, i would say i'm extremely proud of those three. They are all younger than I am, yet they have already managed to accomplish so much more in their lives that I would ever dream to accomplish in my entire lifetime. And i just want them to know that. They make me so god damn proud. Everything was ready. All preparations were done. All i had to do was wait.
That week in March was definitely the lowest point in my life. There it was, in bold letters. They didn't even try to sugarcoat it a little. I failed. I sucked. i was a loser. All was lost. I tried so hard not to use it back then. I knew it was too early, but i really wanted to end it all back then. I already brought the drugs out. I was already setting up the IV line as i was crying, I was already hanging the soluset, i already inserted an IV catheter on my right hand... i managed to take several deep breaths before i managed to control myself. Yes, it was too early. I can't stray away from my original plan. those few months in between were meant for me to tie up many loose ends, to settle any unfinished business, and to say my proper goodbyes to the very few people i cherish. I can't deprive them of that. Besides, the death anniversaries of my grandparents were coming up, plus the birthdays of all my siblings. I didn't want to steal anyone's thunder. i wouldn't want to cause grief on their otherwise happy days. I had to wait. If i wanted to go quietly without any noise, I had to force myself to wait... and waiting was such an agony.
One of my online buddies told me that what i was thinking of doing was selfish, and i disagreed with him. We had one long argument because of that. I told him it was selfish for other people to deprive one person of his only form of escape. We may argue that there are other ways, death is not the only option, but we can never really understand what another person is going through because we do not live the exact same life that he is living. If you are thinking that it is selfish because the person contemplating suicide doesn't care about the grief that he would cause others once he takes his life away, then it is just as selfish for those loved ones to force a person to continue living a life that brings him nothing but agony just so they can save themselves from grief. But in the end, that was what stopped me from doing it. Because if i went through with it, it would have really been selfish... but not because of the reasons that he stated. If i went through with it at this time when our family is still finding it hard to make ends meet, i would be causing a lot of problems, especially financially. As of now we have no funds for emergencies, and another funeral so soon after the death of both of my grandparents last year is definitely not on anyone's list of expenses for the year. I don't really care about what they would feel when i'm gone. But leaving such a material and concrete burden to them does seem selfish. If I leave them with a lot of problems, i won't be able to go out quietly. I'd still be making noise long after i'm gone, and all I want to do is to leave in peace, leaving no troubles and problems behind.
I still have everything that I need. The drugs won't expire until after four years, that gives me plenty of time. I haven't scrapped my plans, i'm simply postponing it. For now i'm working again, i'm saving up for my funeral. Once I have saved enough, i'd still be going as planned... Unless I find that reason for living that I have been continuously searching for... always searching, but never finding. That's the only thing that can stop me from leaving. But at this point in my life, the chances of that happening just seems like wishful thinking. But who knows, a lot of things can happen in a year or two. Instead of saving up for my funeral, i could be saving up for something worth fighting for and worth living for. But for now, I shall keep it all inside, my own private suicide. each day that i keep on living i'm slowly killing myself inside, but i have to force a smiling face so that no one would ever know that i am slowly tearing apart. In my life, nothing has changed. i'm still floating alone in this river of misery. I'm just going where the current takes me. I'd just shield my eyes from all the pain and ugliness life brings, i'd just try to be numb and take everything in stride. For the next year or so, i'd try to continue living. The world will continue to move on, and for now, i will just be.
