Mac & Me

I just

can't get enough

of my new

MacBook.

Screw you, Windows.

You suck.

I'm never switching back.

Too Many Distractions

After two weeks of being confined at the hospital, my grandmother is finally home... she's still very weak, so I'm not sure how long she'll stay home--- that's one distraction. The definitive treatment was not an option, so we're only doing palliative care, which can be done at home once she's already stable. I keep thinking that we would rush her back by tomorrow, heck, at times I even think that we'll be bringing her back within the hour. She hired a private nurse, so her room looks like a private hospital room now. If she becomes critical again, we have to bring her back. Clearly, the facilities at home are not really adequate.

My laptop's still busted. The repairs would cost a lot--- almost the same price as a brand new laptop... that's how busted it is. I've finally decided to buy a mac instead. I'm so tired of windows and all the crashing that has become its trademark. I've had my notebook since 2004, and within that short timespan, the stupid operating system crashed five times. I had to completely reboot the system to make it functional again, and the whole process of starting over really eats up a lot of precious time. Not to mention problems with viruses and the like. Geez, I really don't know why Microsoft still virtually has a monopoly over the computer market. People should step up so they'd finally listen. They can't maintain the lead when they keep on putting crappy products on the shelves. Once their market share dwindles, that's the time they'd finally listen.

So yeah, you'd think I'd finally get some studying done since my laptop's busted. That was my main distraction when I was reviewing for the local board exams two years ago. It's hard to study when internet access is within your fingertips. But man, I still have internet access within my fingertips---courtesy of my PSP. It's not adequate for media heavy sites, but I discovered that it would suffice. And guess what? For some reason, I decided to try out the infrastructure mode (online gaming) of several games. I've never tried that option before.... WHAM!!!! I was completely hooked! especially with Medal of Honor Heroes 2!--- a game that I was already tired of playing months ago! Instantly, I was brought back to my college days, when the game Counterstrike was tops. Playing with real people online really is a better experience.. Man, participating in a death match is so addicting, I couldn't seem to stop! Crap, last Saturday, that was all I was doing all day, save for the obligatory bathroom and meal breaks. Playstation Portable--- you are the evil incarnate. I should lock you up somewhere where you can be out of my sight.

The hardest part? I'm not used to studying anymore.... I'm so slow, It's like learning to walk again after being paralyzed! Man, at this rate, I wonder if I could really take the exam by March or April.

Still, after having realized that, I'm still finding it hard to press that switch and go offline.

This is starting to look impossible.

Hauntings

It's my grandmother's 10th day at the hospital. It was new year's eve when we noticed that she wasn't feeling well--- an observation she easily dismissed, probably an effort on her part not to ruin the festivities. I was on duty at the emergency room on the first day of the year, and on the wee hours of January 2, he was noted to be stuporous, so they may parents immediately brought her to our hospital of choice. My dad said she was unconscious when they arrived, and her heart stopped beating for a few seconds so they had to do some cardioversion. All that time my phone was dead--- it was a busy day at the emergency room, the aftermath of new year's eve festivities. I made a lot of calls, referrals and such. As expected I was accused of deliberately turning my phone off--- something I chose not to dwell on, else I might be ranting about it again, sounding like a broken record for the nth time. So I only heard the news when I got home... how everyone thought she was not going to make it, how my dad was panicking and made a huge commotion at the emergency room, how final plans have been made in the event that the unfortunate should happen... That afternoon I went straight to the hospital and found her at the ICU, still unconscious.

She has been moved since to the telemetry unit. Her heartbeat is still erratic, so they couldn't just transfer her to a regular room. Her attending physician told us that the definitive cure would be mitral valve replacement--- but that's not really an option. At her age, most likely she wouldn't survive the procedure. It's to in fro the hospital from here on out. Palliative treatment until the fateful day comes.

For the past few days, hospital visits have become increasingly sentimental. She still can't stand on he own, she still can't sit on her own... I wonder if she could ever be the same again, back to the way she once was. She's quite delirious at times, often restless. Making us promise to take her to this miraculous pilgrimage site so that she would be well again... all that catholic fanaticism makes me cringe deep inside. She makes us promise to do many other things, for the family, for others, to preserve a legacy... and during mellow moments, there's all these talk about the past... about how she was so happy the day that I was born--- the first born grandchild always seems to be the favorite of grandparents. How on the first day of school they found me crying under a tree after class because I thought they left me behind. A number of other anecdotes, selected chapters from the book of my life. The last one being how proud she was when I finally became a doctor.

Then it hit me. She has known me all my life. She remembers things that i couldn't even remember. I lived with her all my life, yet i barely know her. I don't know what her childhood was like, how her parents are, what her brothers and sisters were like... all I know is that presently, they have all passed away. I know she wanted to be a doctor, and that she had to let go of their dreams because it was impossible to hold on to your dreams during world war II... all that danger they had to face everyday, problems regarding finances and resources... but beyond that, I'm not aware of the details to fully empathize with all the hardships she had to go through. It's hard to appreciate all the things she has done for us, so that we wouldn't have to go through the same things, if I couldn't relate to those things, if I feel so detached from everything. It's hard to show my sentimental side when it's a side of me that i often choose to hide... especially when there are other family members in the room with us, but maybe, hopefully, when I've put all that pride and unfounded shame aside... little by little, in the coming days, I could finally start getting to know her. I know that if i wait to long, I may never get the opportunity.

Before I left, I gave her something sweet, and something salty, all things i know that she shouldn't be eating, but what the heck. Those simple things are what she has been craving. The smile that i saw on her face as she took several bites was a smile that i haven't seen on her in a long time. It was a childlike smile, the type of smile that conveys happiness that we find harder to encounter as we grow older. And knowing that I may not see her smile like that several years, or even months from now, i had to fight back my tears because I didn't want to show her that side of me, my weak side. Looking at her like that, i couldn't help but cry.

Not A Mere Curiosity

Man, what a beautiful film.

From the subtle yet breathtaking visuals, to the simple yet incredibly poignant story. The acting, though subdued, seems natural and fitting. There's this persistent melancholia throughout the film, with an underlying bittersweet sentiment--- anyone who has ever fully lived through life or thought about the significance of their lives would be deeply affected. And herein lies the problem.

It's easy to nitpick when you fail to fully appreciate a work of art. Lapses in special effects. Several insignificant scenes. A number of boring chapters. Saying it's all just anecdotes and it fails to tell a coherent story. Saying that the whole film basically tries to captivate the audience by showering us with all that eye candy to cover up its lack of emotion. I guess that's movie magic at work. What may seem dull and detached for one person may be a one of a kind experience for another.

Yes, the movie is arguably flawed, but it's still one of the finest films I've seen in recent memory. Some may find it incredibly boring, some may find it awe inspiring. It's because this is the type of movie that you'd learn to appreciate more as you grow older, as you acquire more wisdom, as you experience more of the failures and triumphs, the joys and pains that life has to offer. I'd probably love this film even more if I get to view it again several years from now. This movie is not just a mere curiosity. Even with all its flaws, the sum of its parts is nothing short of a masterpiece.