skip to main |
skip to sidebar
That's it. This football season is done for me. The Patriots are out.
Yes, I am a fan of the New England Patriots. No I'm not a bandwagoner. I've been a fan since the 90's when they weren't winning as much games. And i don't care if the team gets a lot of hate like both Brady and Belichick are the devil incarnate. And yes I know all about Spygate. In fact I know enough about it to realize that it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Haters can continue hating. I still love this team.
But why did i get myself so invested in a football team? It's been two days and i still feel so depressed. i definitely do not need an additional source of stress! WHY AM I FEELING THIS WAY??? It's not like their loss would affect my life drastically. LOL. Sports fans are a funny bunch.
I try to rationalize. Considering all the injuries and all the new faces in this season's roster, it's amazing that we even got this far.Would have been amazing if we managed to win the Superbowl. That would have been one heck of a Cinderella story. Everyone was counting us out from the get go--- that's one reason why this season was such a roller coaster ride and every game was so much fun to watch. But I guess it's about time the predictions of those so called experts came through. And I would definitely feel worse if they managed to reach the Superbowl and lose. With the present roster, there's no way they can beat the Seahawks. i guess that's the bright side. Besides, few things can be more satisfying than someone getting to shut Sherman up.The Broncos seem to be more capable of doing that than the Patriots, so good luck to them. At least a team i don't hate managed to reach the Superbowl.
To the players, thank you for such an amazing season, it was one hell of a run. As for us Patriots fans, there's always next season. There's no way our team won't get better.
I guess it's about time i resurrected this long dormant blog. Nope, contrary to popular belief, i have not committed suicide. So to that person who posted that comment, this should be proof enough. I'm still alive and very much kicking thank you very much. Well yeah, i have booze and drugs to thank for that, something i'm not proud of... but those things keep me sane during those times that I'm about to lose my sanity. Because of those things i manage to remain functional. As long as I use them in moderation, they keep me stable instead of going on a downward spiral.
Well what do you know, i had no blog entry for the year 2013. It's not as if nothing much happened that year--- far from it. It's just that I've grown quite lazy. Before this blog was one of my outlets to let out the things I kept inside. I guess coke and weed were enough, there was no need to let all those things out in a blog. Aside from being the year when i've grown quite fond of May Jane and her ilk, 2013 was also the year i've rediscovered love. Sure i've been in quite a few relationships, but this was only the second time i've fallen real hard over someone. And to this day i'm not really quite sure why and how. i didn't even like her at first, but the was just so damn persistent that she managed to crack me open. And when she managed to do that, it's as if the floodgates had been opened. She gave me a totally different experience and i couldn't get enough of it. After that happy phase, I was treated horribly, once she got what she wanted i was discarded like some piece of trash, and i still didn't get the message. i was fucking used and i still didn't feel angry. How the heck could i have fallen so hard for someone who was so selfish and undeserving? How could i have stupid for so long that i couldn't even see the signs? maybe it was because that was the first time i couldn't get what i really wanted. Maybe because it had been a long long time since I have experienced rejection, everything was just so unreal. I kept throwing myself at her, and that only pushed her farther away. I mean, putting myself in her shoes, i would find the way I behaved back then extremely annoying. And like a pathetic fool i kept hoping that she would have me back, especially when i saw that my "replacement" was so much of a downgrade. But love is inherently blind i guess--- Because i was blinded as well. I refer to that first quarter of last year as my crazy phase. How else would i explain falling so hard for a person who was clearly beneath me in every possible way. Definitely, that was a case of temporary insanity. I'm so glad I was able to recover.
Love is a funny thing. Around that same time, one of that person's friends became my confidante. It's but natural i guess, to seek comfort in one of her friends to gain some sort of understanding. Who else could help me understand her? Unexpectedly, this best friend of hers fell in love with me, i don't even know why. She keeps telling me i'm perfect, that i'm all this and i'm all that, and it only made me feel very uncomfortable... and quite guilty because even though it was unintentional, i guess i led her on because i always kept her company. Here was a person who was throwing herself at me, yet i kept longing for that person who didn't love me anymore. Again, love is a funny thing. It's a pratical joke the Gods play on us as they watch our daily affairs from the comfort of the heavens.
Here's a side note. I lost one of my closest friends two months ago. No he didn't die, but yeah he's dead to me now. See he's gay. But i don't really care about his sexuality, what he does is his own business. But i accidentally discovered that he was planning something nasty towards me on a soon to be drunken night... one that gladly didn't happen. One doesn't think of doing stuff like that to a close friend. Close friends are like brothers. When i confronted him about it, In defense he blurted out that the loves me. Jesus, what exactly did he think that would do? that doesn't justify the things he was planning. Did he think i would forgive him just because he said he's madly in love with me? well that didn't happen. It only grossed me out in addition to being angry. Good riddance. i do not need friends like that. Love is a funny thing.
Don't shed tears for me though. During the latter half of the year, i met someone. I could honestly say i love her as well, but for some reason it wasn't as great as the feelings i've felt toward that lesser person. This woman was better in all aspects but i can't seem to love her more. And evidently she is so in love with me, i can feel it in her every action and see it every time she stares at me.She says she loves me more and more each day, and me--- it's quite the opposite. Yeah i fall in love, but to me love has an expiration date. i hate it, it makes me an asshole, but that's just the way i am. There would come a point, after a few months or a few years, when it would all start to just be routine. A point would come when there would be no more spark, no more romantic feelings. If we don't end up hating each other, all that would remain would just be friendship, and instead of manning up i would continue with the charade and hope that her feelings would eventually dissipate as well. I never had the guts to end a relationship. passive aggressive behavior is the way to go for me. It always worked before but it doesn't seem to be working now. To be fair, i did try to end it last month when it became clear that nothing i could do could push her away. i said it out loud. But the moment i saw those tears in her eyes my heart broke. It was incredibly hard for me to hurt her because at that time she had already become my best friend, and i couldn't bear to hurt that one person in this world that i absolutely treasure. So now I'm stuck in a relationship i don't want for the sake of friendship, and yeah i guess for the sake of pity as well. Again, love is a funny thing. To those people who are madly in love it is an incredible gift. But to many people, it's nothing but a curse.
Well that felt like a huge slap on my face. the fact that it came from someone i hardly know made it even more painful. serves me right for trying to reach out. what came back at me was a little more than i can handle.
Truth is, i can see that she's nice. but i never really liked my brother's ex fiance for some weird reason. i dunno, i guess she just had a lot of eccentricities that push me the wrong way. but when my brother bailed on her four days before the wedding, i guess i felt her pain. no one deserves to be treated that way. a few days after that i sent her a short message, and when she replied... wow, that was overwhelming. basically, she read me right, she saw right through me. and i thought i was good at hiding my true feelings. She knows that the indifferent and happy go lucky, drunkard persona was just a front, and she could see all the angst i keep hidden inside. and she could tell that i was lonely, that i find it hard to talk to anyone in my family because i don't feel any sense of attachment to any of them, and she could tell that i've turned from bad to worse ever since my grandma died. Shit like that i don't even like to hear from my closest friends, and i most definitely do not want to hear crap like that from a person i only encounter casually. The truth hurts and that's why i often try to avoid it. I don't like it when people become all confrontational and shove the truth right at my face.
But these past few weeks i have been coping. after that horrible news last march, remarkably i'm doing fine. the weekly drinking sprees help me keep my mind of things like they've always had. smoking a joint every now and then soothes my nerves too. but the thing that helps me most these days is rugby. that's right, after so many years i've started playing a sport again, and a contact sport at that. tackling people helps me relieve stress. hurting people for the sake of the sport soothes my nerves, and the fact that everyone is okay with it makes it a whole lot better. but i have to admit part of the fun lies in me getting hurt. i smile each time i get a new bruise, every time i bleed, every time my body aches. the masochist in me still rears its ugly head. i like getting hurt, because deep inside, a part of me still wants to be punished. a part of me wants to feel pain to pay for all the mistakes i have made, to pay for all the troubles i have caused on others. if i get stabbed or shot i would probably be smiling as i watch my reflection on the blood pooling on the pavement. staring at my reflection as my sight slowly grows dim, as everything around me slowly fades away. only then will i find true redemption.
my life right now may not be ideal, but i can honestly say that i'm okay with it. for the first time in years, i do not hate my routine. what i earn is more than enough for myself, and i have a lot of free time for leisure. even though i hate my job, all that free time makes it easier to compensate. as long as i do not trouble myself with the future, as long as i do not look ahead and just keep on looking at the present, i feel fine. problem is, i don't know how long this will last. sooner or later i would get tired of playing rugby, the same way i got tired of my favorite distractions in the past. sooner or later i'll be back to that destructive lifestyle wherein i have to get hammered and wasted everyday just to drown all the sorrows and anger away. for now, i am content with the present. who cares about what the future holds. as long as it remains dim, avoiding looking at it is the only way to keep myself from being insane. for now i can turn a blind eye so that my present would not be clouded by the dark visions of my future. for now i can pretend that everything is okay. though it has been proven that i may not be as great at pretending like i thought i was, for now i can still fool myself that i still am. what other choice do i have anyway.
I hate days when i have to pretend to be thankful, when i have to pretend to be happy, when i have to pretend that everything is okay. Yup it's my birthday once again, and i'm hating every minute of it.
I hate it when people greet me a happy birthday. I know that they have the best intentions and that they mean no harm. it's customary to greet people on their birthday, it just sucks that i'm not most people and therefore they would not get the usual reaction from me. I hate because i have to respond with a half hearted thank you. I'm certainly not happy, so the exchange of greetings turn out to be so fake.
Why should i be thankful that i have reached another year in this life? nothing seems to turn out the way i planned it. Nothing seems to turn out the way that i would have wanted. To whom should i be thankful for? To my parents, for that unprotected intercourse they did eons ago which resulted to an unwanted pregnancy? should i be thankful to my mom for not going through an abortion even though the thought did go through her mind? frankly i wouldn't have mind if she went through with it. Then i wouldn't have to experience living through this stupid little life.
To whom should i be thankful for? Should i give thanks to god almighty, creator of heaven and earth? that is so laughable. Thank you for never giving me what i want. Back when i was such a devout catholic up to the point when my faith was starting to falter, you never listened. Now that i don't believe in you at all, nothing has changed. I still feel as if i'm talking to a brick wall. Back when i was so religious, i believed all the bullshit saying that you're just giving me trials to make me stronger, and you never give people trials that they can not overcome. now i know that's all hogwash. People say there is a god because of the unexplained order in the universe. My response? what fucking order???? if you know shit about science, most particles would not jive with each other, that's why chaos is more often seen in occurrence rather than order.... but if you mix particles the right way--- they would adhere to one another. there's that slim chance out of all the randomness. mix all the particles the right way, and it can create life, or create an environment conducive to life. you don't need the hand of a superior being for that. shit like that just happens by chance, not because some superior being planned it. wow, you're saying that out of nowhere, some superior being suddenly decided to create life, just snapped his fingers and voila, particles just started coming together in the right way. you guys must give me some of that shit you're smoking. that stuff must be pretty dank.
when good things happen to us, it's god's blessings and we should thank him. if bad things happen to us, hey it's just god giving us trials, and no matter how bad it is, even if our whole family were massacred, even if a nuclear bomb was dropped on out country, hey God never gives us trials we can't overcome. these trials would make us stronger! if bad things happen to good people, those are trials. If bad things happen to bad people, god is punishing them. if good things happen to good people, they are rewarded. if good things happen to bad people.... well, just wait a while. karma's a bitch and they'll never know what hit them. whatever happens, basically it's god's will. those religious nutjobs are basically saying that we can't control anything because everything that happens to us is god's will. can't they see the randomness of it all? where's the order in that? I know an overly religious woman who lost her family in a natural calamity. and i know of this corrupt politician who has lived a sweet life all his life, and he continues to do so. when will this people get what's rightfully due to them? in the fucking afterlife? the afterlife that every religion has a different interpretation of? You have got to be kidding me.
I'm not getting matched to a residency position because i fucked up on my exams. I was overconfident, i didn't study hard, simple as that. It's not because it's god's will, it's not because he's just giving me trials. I fucked up, and it was my fault. I'm the one whose to blame. And if by some miracle that i matched to a position, it's because of the help of my friends and not because God wanted it. All of the religious undertones that some people put in everything just pisses me off. So i wish all those people would shut up when they say that God has other plans for me. There is no fucking God. Whatever shit i find myself in, it's all my fault. if it's not, then it's because of pure dumb luck. something random, it's not something that some divine entity planned. So who do i have to thank for this stupid little life? I only have myself to thank for it, thank you fucking much. I know some people have it worse than me, but the point is, i'm not living the life i want. because i fucked up, that's why i can't. Some would say i should be thankful for what i have, because a lot of people have close to nothing. a lot of people would love to trade places with me. But why would they? because they're not living the life they want right? We may be living different lives, experiencing different hardships, but we still all feel the same way.
Happy fucking birthday to me. Here's to another shitty year. More of the same crap, recycled over and over again. I wonder if i'll ever see the day when i would be truly be happy on this fucking day. With my dumb luck, that seems highly unlikely. It really fucking sucks to be me.
Friends--- they come and go. Although i can name several people that i am really close to, several people that i have poured my heart and soul a couple of times before, i never really felt that need for constant companionship with them. I could go on for months, heck probably even several years without any form of communication with them and i won't even miss them. truth is, they're the ones who keep the flow of communication going, saying hi every now and then, whenever weeks or months have passed by without talking. I may feel the need to reach out to a fellow human being, but i don't need to keep the people i reach out to constant--- why would i, when there are people practically anywhere. and most certainly i would eventually get to have a couple of new friends. maybe the relationships that i would form with those new people wouldn't be as deep as the relationships i've formed before... but so what? i'm not looking for anything complex or deep. a superficial relationship, one that involves just hanging out and doing stupid, funny stuff would suffice for me. i'm not really fond of pouring my heart out to other people anyway. I'm more comfortable in keeping such thoughts to myself, or just ranting in an anonymous blog like this one whenever i feel the need to put my thoughts into words. I'd much rather be alone with my thoughts and let all those feelings pass, instead of pulling another individual into the abyss that i'm in. people already have a lot of things to deal with, they don't need to worry about my problems. and besides, the thoughts going through my head are too dark and complex anyway. most people wouldn't really understand.
Yes, to me friends are easily disposable. no matter how long i've known them, no matter how much i've shared with them, no matter how strong the bond that we had was... i can easily set them aside. yeah that makes me a prick. that makes me some sort of an asshole. but what the heck can i do? that's how i am, it's not how i chose to be. about two months ago i've decided to keep away form certain friends. my gay friends, including those that i'm only suspecting to be gay. I chose to avoid them, like a plague. just like that, all of a sudden, no apparent reason. i don't think they realize that i'm avoiding them. it's easy to make excuses that i'm busy with work because i do have work--- i've been doing more work lately compared to the past couple of years. and it's easy to say i already have plans because i am seeing someone regularly. it's not a relationship, i'm just going through the motions, but it does offer a convenient excuse. one person though seemed to have realized something was wrong, because we used to hang out a lot often, now it's been months since we've last seen each other. three of those gay folks are my closest friends. i know, how the heck could a guy like me have so many gay friends. and i'm not even counting those gay friends that i am not close to. i dunno, it just happened. the fact that the medical field seems to attract a lot of people whose sexual orientations are questionable doesn't seem to be helping. truth be told, i haven't met many straight guy friends in med school. a lot of em profess they're straight, but they act so effeminate and they like too many girly stuff, i have to keep myself from laughing out loud every time they talk about girls and shit. the fact that we found a few of them keeping gay porn materials wouldn't be of much help to their cause, but hey i'm friends with them. whenever people ask if they're gay or whenever they ask me why do i hang out with such people, i tell them my friends aren't gay even if i know they are. and jesus, it's not like one can actively screen the people they become friends with can they? friendship is like love. you don't choose whom you fall in love with. it's something that just happens.
People have ask me a lot of time why i hang out with them. i don't find the term fag stag endearing. and i have accepted the fact that people would assume i'm gay as well when i keep hanging out with them. i've just learned to ignore that through the years. i know i can't hook up with someone when i'm with them, and there's no use making a move on anyone. i'm with them just to hang out, i'm not looking to get laid, so why should i care what other people think? especially people i don't even know? that's my way of thinking for the past couple of years. that's why i don't really know what happened. why the sudden change? i'm sure as hell not embarrassed when people see me with them. until now, i still don't care what other people think. what changed is something inside me. the fact that they talk about a lot of things that i couldn't relate to is one thing. i've been annoyed by that fact ever since. whenever they talk about boys or put the gay speak on overdrive, i feel like i'm being shut out. and frankly, i find some of the stuff they talk about downright disgusting, i just choose to be quiet about em. the fact that some of them could be wanting more than friendship isn't even an issue. as long as they keep their hands off then it's a none issue. if something happened due to alcohol intoxication, if they have been really good friends i could also get over that after a couple of months. heck, i've done a lot of stupid things when i'm drunk, i can't possibly hold other people accountable for their actions when they are under the influence without sounding like a hypocrite.... so that's also a non issue. maybe it's the fact that i've been hanging out with alpha male types for the past couple of months have something to do with it. we have conversations where i never feel shut out. I feel really part of the group, i never feel like an outsider. we share the same interests, and i can talk to them about things only straight males can understand. after such a long time, I feel like being part of a pack again. I feel like such an ass for feeling this way, but as of this moment, i don't really feel the need to reach out to my gay friends ever again. maybe this is only temporary, i don't really know. I can't just throw all those years of friendship away of course. i can still go out with them, i can still talk to them. I would still call them friends. but it can't be more than that. it can no longer have any deeper meaning. maybe i'm just not meant to hang out with people like them because they are so different. i can get along with them, but it could only remain on a superficial level. instinctively, we seek out people who think the same way we do, and it just took me years to realize that. or maybe and more probably, as i have concluded earlier, i am just basically nothing more than an ass.
The problem with being optimistic? well i guess i would feel worse when things don't go exactly as planned. But that's still a few weeks from now. For now, i'd continue to live my life, smiling as the world around me watches me passing by. I just hope that several weeks from now, i wouldn't have to turn to you for comfort again.... and the longer i stay silent, the more you should be happy for me. We have shared great times together, you and I.... but in all those times, i was at my worst, and i'd hate to see myself in those situations again. But if ever i find myself wallowing in desperation again, i know you'll be here at this exact same place. I can trust you, i can depend on you. And in some fucked up way, you're the only one who truly understands. That's why you're the one who'll be with me until the very end.
So my right eye is still swollen, and my left cheek still hurts a bit. Man, it's been a long time since i got into a fight. How i wish i was totally prepared for it, so that the stupid asshole would've known exactly who he was dealing with. I've been wishing for an actual fist fight for months, and when it came unexpectedly, i was totally unprepared. fuck. my. life.
It was a real fun night. Just hanging out, we just kept on drinking and drinking. nothing special, but we were having fun. At least i was. And when i called my close friend a bitch--- a word that i meant as a term of endearment when i said it, some asshole suddenly punched me in the face. Partly because i was already tipsy, mostly because i was totally caught by surprise, i wasn't able to react quickly. I fell, then another punch to the side of my head. I wasn't feeling any pain. Maybe i was numb from all the alcohol. Or maybe that asshole just throws weak punches. And oddly enough, i was calm. I just asked him why the fuck did he punch me. and then there goes another punch. The way i reacted was kinda funny, now that i think about it. it's just not the proper reaction when someone punches you in the face. and it's definitely not the reaction one would expect from me--- after all, rage has been bubbling underneath my skin for months now, threatening to break free without any warning. But i'm happy when i'm drinking. I guess that's why i was calm, i guess that's why i had self control. The fact that those weren't very strong punches made it easy for me to brush everything off. And yeah, though my friend's denying it, it does appear that they are in a relationship. subconsciously, i guess i was also thinking about her. And i was a lot older than that asshole, so the mature path was mine to take. By the time we were on our way home, i was already laughing about it. I was just gonna chalk it up to experience and move along. another story from my colorful little life that we can talk about on some other drunken night.
But god, when i woke up with a swollen eye and a painful jaw, all that rage started to pour in. The calming effect of the alcohol was gone, and i was back to my normal, spiteful self. I wanted nothing more than to get back at that asshole. On my normal state, i have made guys bigger than him fall, and i can definitely make him pay for what he did. yeah, i called our friend a bitch, but is he aware of the state of our friendship for him to decide if i offended her or not? We've been friends for twelve years, and we call each other names in jest--- all the time. And even if he wasn't aware of it, any sane person can tell with the way i spoke that i didn't call her that in a derogatory manner. He took the word for its literal meaning without analyzing the context of how i said it. god, how stupid is he? and let's say i did mean calling people names, can't we have a discussion on it first? he goes ahead and just throw punches as he pleases? yeah i admit i curse a lot, but that's the way i am, that's how i speak, that's my normal vocabulary. he has no right to tell me how to speak to people, especially when i only say those words casually and in a friendly, non provoking manner. it's not like i have a motive to continually offend people. if people get offended, bring it up with me and i'll try to control the words coming out of my mouth. no one has a right to force me to cleanse my language, and no one has the right to go ahead and use force instead of discussing such issues with me first. I'm no hypocrite, i admit i have a very short temper, but i don't go around just punching people just to make them conform to what i think is proper. i don't go around hitting people without having some sort of discussion first. and i don't go around throwing punches unless someone is undeniably provoking me first.
You bet i'm gonna get back at him. there's just no way i'm not. but this bitch that i used to call my friend just wouldn't tell me where i can find that stupid lameass boytoy of hers. i'm gonna find out sooner or later, and when that day comes, he's gonna regret ever messing with me. it's not about my male ego, it's about being fair. it's about being just. it's about teaching a very irrational person a thing or two about life. If he can't adapt to different people, if he can't tolerate how different i am from him, then he might as well live in an asylum or something. Or he might as well drop dead. if i could find i way to get away with murder, then i would. That dumbass needs to pay. And the world would be a better place with less assholes like him, i'd be doing this shitty world a small favor. Again i'm not being a hypocrite. He's the one who started this, i'm only gonna finish it. because clearly, he's not strong enough to finish this whole mess himself.
Though i don't really care about religion, i've always been tolerant and respectful of other people's beliefs. I may silently mock them, but I never say all those thoughts out loud. It also never occurred to me to try and sway people from their beliefs. I know having faith in something can have some benefits, especially when people have nothing else to turn to. It gives people that false sense of security and comfort, and during times of duress, a false sense of comfort is better than no sense of comfort at all. but religion has this tendency to make people throw the very basics of common sense out the window. Many times, i just find myself shaking my head.
For months our mother has been pestering us to have a pilgrimage of sort--- the whole family, simply because it's better if the whole family went. we will receive more blessings. it's not very far, just a five hour drive... but to me, driving for five hours just to visit some "special" church just seems so trivial... and unnecessary. it had to be postponed several times due to conflicts with out schedules--- hey, we all have different lives, and it can be a daunting task to fix out schedules so that we can have one similar day off from work. then she finally put her put down. we had to do it this month because if we postponed it any further, something bas will happen. whatever that was exactly, i didn't even bother to ask. her answer will probably be some more superstitious religious nonsense, and that would piss me off even more. but to days before that trip, i came down with the flu. i told them i'd rather not go with them, but both of my parents gave me that look they gave me whenever they felt the need to start one of their tirades, so i knew better that to argue. even with a fucking cold, even if i had a fever, even if i hadn't even slept yet, i went with them. I was blowing my nose during that whole trip, but gives a shit. we were headed toward sacred grounds, and once we get there everything will be all right.
By the time we arrived, i just walked around. So this was that special church, which looked no different from all the churches i've seen. well, it was more dilapidated than most, i wonder if that's what makes it so special. No use kneeling down someplace and pretend to pray. there were probably more than a hundred people kneeling, praying aloud, some even crying. a lot of people were rubbing their handkerchiefs on some statues, as if those statues were their gods or something. oh what a sight to see. i just took pictures of the different sights, trying to take artistic shots of anything i laid my eyes on. then suddenly, someone familiar was standing a few feet away from me, looking directly at me, smiling.... it was the lord Jesus Christ himself... okay i'm just kidding. it was my aunt, who's an even bigger religious freak than my mom. she was all giddy as she was walking toward me.
She said she was so happy to see me there, unexpectedly. truly the lord works in mysterious ways blah blah blah. she asked me who i was with, and when i told her she exclaimed more religious nonsense. when i brought her back to where my parents were, she told them that we should all go to this blessed well a few miles away, because when you bathe yourself with the water coming out of that well, all of your ailments will go away. that's how her arthritis disappeared she said. her daughter's psoriasis was also cured after she bathed herself with the water from that well, and all her doctors were completely baffled. and then there was this guy who had cancer and he was cured miraculously a few days after bathing in the well. oh please. ever heard of coincidences? ever heard of remissions? ever heard of the natural course of psoriasis, and how it comes and goes? she knew that my mom was developing arthritis, so she told us that we should definitely go. and then she noticed me sneezing and blowing my nose, and she told me once i washed my face with the water coming out of the well, my cold would go away in an instant. i felt like telling her that i was probably just allergic to bullshit, because i've been hearing a lot of that these past few days, but like a good nephew, i just chose to smile and stay silent. so to make a long story short, we went to that fucking well. my mom washed her hands, my dad even took off his shirt and washed his whole body. my sisters washed their faces. to my surprise, my aunt drank some of the water. she told me to drink some too, so that my cough would go away.... ehhh... ever heard of microbial organisms, a lot of which thrive in rural wells? but what the heck, i washed my nose, washed my neck, and because the heat was already getting to me, i played along and washed my hair and torso. for a minute my cold was gone, and i though--- shit. miracles do happen. I was wrong, the lord is real, i should repent! repent! ... then i sneezed again. and i had to blow my nose. i looked at my aunt and i guess she knew what i was thinking. miracles don't happen immediately she said. the faithful knows how to wait. like i said. bullshit.
i'm cynical. Yeah i may be stubborn at times. but i'm also fucking objective. if you want me to have faith in something or someone, then show me something concrete to hold on to, something that could justify my faith in him or in it. I'm sorry to say this, but blind faith is for morons. it's not just ridiculous, it's also fucking stupid. just look at the things some people do for religion, and look at the things religion does to them. worshipping statues. drinking from a dirty well. believing in a whole lot of superstitious nonsense. and look at the most extreme cases, suicide bombers all in the name of the goes that they worship. these people are too gullible or just simply stupid. no wonder they have so much faith in their religion. Religion should be used to guide you, people should use it make better persons of themselves. Instead of guiding people, religion just shows other people how stupid some people can get. Nothing can be more ridiculous than that.
